The Journey; My Blog

A new year, a new blog

2010-12-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

It's funny when life starts to point you in a direction if you're paying attention and that's exactly what's been happening to me. Just over a week ago, I was hanging out with Tricia and we decided that life continues to send us messages that we need to move forward. It's a feeling that's been building in me for a while, but it suddenly felt very clear that it was my time to start to move forward with life. With that decision made, the next question came. How exactly do I go about doing that?

I spent the weekend contemplating that question and not coming up with any great answers. Then last week I got a call from the Calgary Herald. They let me know that I'd been selected for 2011 as one of their top 20 Compelling Calgarians and would be featured in their January 1st issue. Still to this day I feel like they must have the wrong person and am waiting for the call to tell me that. But they did an interview, followed up with photos and so I think it is true. Whatever I have done to be compelling in the past year, maybe I could use this opportunity to spread this even further. But again, how do I do that?

What I came up with is that I don't have all the answers yet, but I have some ideas on how to figure it out. This will be the last post for this blog site. It has been the place where I first shared my cancer diagnosis, and then my second one, Ryan's battle and Talyn and my life over the past year. Although I have learned a lot from all of this, it's time for a fresh start that doesn't have anything to do with the "c" word.

The word "re-create" keeps popping into my mind and so I decided to start a new blog where I will do exactly that. In a much more upbeat way, try to re-create my life. I don't know exactly what that will entail, but I am excited at the idea of it all. I plan to launch this in January, 2011 and it will be found at http://tashawesterman.blogspot.com/ if you're interested in coming along for the ride.

I thank you all for coming along for these last few years and supporting us all on our journey.

Much love, Tasha & Talyn

With uncertainty comes hope

2010-12-16T21:34:00.006-07:00

Last Thursday was a bad day. I woke up to find an email saying that a family friend - Rob (my best friend's brother) had had an accident and had just come out of his first of 2 surgeries. One week later, he's still in a coma but hanging on. Another lesson that no one needed about how precious life is and that everything can literally change in the blink of an eye.

Later that day I went for my 3 month check up to find out that I needed some further tests to determine if my world was changing. I have been having some increasing pain around my ribs and so went for an ultrasound the next day and then a full body bone scan this week. The good news is that the ultrasound was fine and the bone scan didn't show anything of concern where my pain was. It did show some "uptake" (from the radioactive stuff they put into my bloodstream) on my left 2nd anterior rib. So the doctor called to discuss if I'd been in a car accident or had any other trauma to the area that might explain what they thought was a fracture. Which I hadn't, so off to x-ray.

Today they called to let me know that the x-ray was "unremarkable". In cancer terms, this is good. Although my brother quickly reminded me that I am very remarkable....what a smart a**. It's still unknown why this little rib is lighting up, so they will repeat the bone scan in 3 months to see if it has changed.

So the last week has been a bit draining. It actually feels like a month has passed and it's not until I go to sleep at night that I realize how draining carrying stress around with you actually is. I know that the news I got is good, but there's still that glimmer of uncertainty which continues to follow me around. Just enough to remind me that life is short and unpredictable, so make sure to live the life I want. It's time for me to figure out what that is and take some action towards it.

What has finally sunk in from Rob and my recent scare is that we don't have a whole lot of control over the big things in life. So we just have to try and enjoy the ride - whatever it is. But at least with uncertainty ... there is still hope. And hope is what keeps us all holding on at the end of the day - isn't it?

Big Events and Lots of People

2010-11-29T14:32:00.007-07:00

The biggest event was Ryan's first birthday without him. This might have been the hardest day yet. I feel like I keep saying that, which is a bit scary, but it was a very empty day. All of the other "big" days we've been able to try to focus on the event as well, on Talyn and on our family's rituals that will always continue. But this day has always been and will always be all about Ryan - so it was hard to try and create anything new. But we did anyhow.

Last year, a couple of days before Ryan moved into the hospice, we surprised him with a nice dinner out and some close friends. We all shared our favourite story of him and then he shared his favourite story of each of us. In Kevin's words - it was truly a magical evening. So for his birthday, we tried to re-create this evening. But with him not there of course, this year I brought Talyn and asked everyone to share their favourite stories of Ryan with him.

We all shared some laughs and some tears, as Talyn asked everyone to put their hands up if they had a story about his daddy. Then he would choose the next person to share their story. Everyone was really good about trying to talk right to Talyn and "edit" the story where necessary. So Ryan wasn't really "drunk" in any of them...just really excited! It was another magical evening and it made the day seem full.

The Rethink Romp was another huge success. Because of the hard work by an amazing group of volunteers here, we raised $35,000 for support programs in Calgary! My work with Rethink is so fulfilling because we know that we are impacting people positively, while they are going through a terrible time. I strongly recommend some type of community involvement in everyone's lives, so that you too can feel the feeling.

In general, life feels a bit like it's slipping by. We have had some amazing huge moments, but most days I am happy to just make it through with a smile on my face. This single parenting thing is very busy (as some of you are knowingly smiling right now) and since my energy is still building again, I find that most days I get through the "need" to do's, some "nice" to do's for Talyn and rarely any "nice" to do's for me. I know that I need to put on my own oxygen mask before everyone else's, but much easier said than done.

Then the next big event is obviously christmas. I'm sure this will be another huge punch in our guts, as Ryan was a BIG christmas guy. For the last 10 years, I've watched him absolutely light up (even more than usual) during this time. Then when we had Talyn, the joy morphed again. We are planning to try and keep things as "familiar" as possible since the biggest part of it all has changed.

For the last several years, we've spent the holidays in our home together as a family, with visitors passing through and my family here with us. I feel it's important for kids to experience Santa coming to their house and somehow I feel closer to Ryan in our home filled with all of our memories. There is no way to get through this that will be easy, but I think this way will be the most comfortable for us this year.

At a time when everyone is busy shopping for gifts and preparing for the holidays, my mind always goes to those that don't have much. At work we are adopting a family for christmas and I'm sure someone on my list will be getting some amazing gifts offered through the World Vision catalogue (www.worldvision.ca/gifts). If you're struggling on what to get someone that really doesn't "need" anything, please consider making someone else's christmas dreams come true somehow!

Thinking of others who are clearly going through a much more difficult time than we are really helps me turn my thinking around again. I know what Ryan would say - it's okay to be sad, but please live life because you know I would have! Cheers to that everyone.

Stuck in the "in-between"

2010-10-30T10:12:00.002-06:00

Lately I have felt like I know I need to move forward and start to re-create my life and who I am now, but haven't been able to. Most weeks go by and I feel like I've gotten Talyn to school and sports, gotten to work and done the other things I do, but we're not really moving ahead. Because I know that's the next step and I am a planner, it's frustrating that I can't seem to get going already. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I'm stuck in sludge. My feet are moving, but I am not.

It wasn't until I watched last week's "brothers and sisters" - an excellent show, that I realized why. Calista Flockhart's character has crazy similarities to my life. She battled cancer, has a son and now has lost her husband. In last week's show she met someone and was having a hard time moving forward (that part I don't have a similarity too though). Her mother sat her down and said that she wasn't yet ready to let go of the life she was supposed to have. The life she planned with her husband and child, the dreams they had together and the life they wanted. Until she was ready to say goodbye to this life that wasn't going to be a reality anymore, she couldn't possibly move forward with creating a new one.

That was a huge AHA moment as Oprah would say. I am not ready to say goodbye to the life Ryan and I had planned, the dreams we shared and the things we wanted to do together, so how could I possibly start thinking about what was next? This has actually made me feel comfortable with the in-between that I am in and given me some peace to just "be".

I know that whatever comes next, whenever that is, will be great. But for now, I am still happy just knowing that I am doing the best I can for Talyn and I. Even if it is the "in-between".

A Rough Patch

2010-10-12T21:33:00.002-06:00

Life over the past month has been a blur. It's been nice to get back into a routine. School and sports for Talyn and work and Rethink volunteering for me. But now it's the middle of October and I wonder how 6 months could have passed since Ryan was here. It’s hard to describe where we are, but I think we’ve been through the shock, the sad, some mad and now as life starts to melt into what some may call "normal", most days it seems fairly overwhelming.

Because we are typically so busy, I don't let myself stop to feel much of anything. But then sometimes life just makes you stop - doesn't it? It started with Talyn having to go to the Children’s Hospital on Friday night at our family doc’s request for some ongoing stomach pains with no related symptoms. Talyn is fine physically now but it really stirred up some things in us both. The following day he was so hard to handle that I felt like walking out. Now I wouldn't have actually ever done that, but I just felt like I needed a break so bad and knowing I wasn't getting one made it even worse.

Sunday morning I woke up and started to feel those familiar feelings of anxiety. Doubting whether I could actually do this single parenting gig. I called my parents and although I tried to put on a brave front, parents always know. 8 hours later, they were at my doorstep - to the rescue. That night my mom was giving Talyn a bath and asked him what was on his arm. He told her the marks were from the IV they put in his arm at the hospital. She told him that must have been scary and he said "did you know my dad had an IV? and then he died".

How could I have not figured that out? When my mom told me what Talyn had said, it was so clear - of course that would have triggered some awful things in him. But at the time, I was so burnt out, that I didn't see it. My parents stayed for a couple of days and that gave me some time to not be the primary caregiver and allowed me to recharge a bit.

Underneath alll of the sadness that is still a big part of me and the tiredness that I feel all of the time from all of the things I am now the only person to do, I know there are questions. Before Ryan, I was fairly clear on who I was. With Ryan, I was fairly clear on who we were. But now, who am I? BIG questions are buried underneath me right now and most days I don't have the energy to go through the process to figure it out.

But what always seems to get me through in a moment of real struggle, is a sign always appears. Somethier small or something fairly significant, but whatever it is, it leads me down a path. Ryan was always there for me to talk to about work, Talyn, friends, family, all of the things that fill your head. But now those thoughts just feel stuck in my head, going around and around.

Just last week I was feeling very overwhelmed with a parenting decision and I actually said out loud "ryan if you are listening and you can, please give me some kind of sign to help me decide what to do". Later that day, one of the options that I was considering gave me that sign. The person I needed to talk to, if I wanted to go ahead was named Ryan.

Thanksgiving came at a really good time to bring me some more perspective on what life is really about. Yes we've had a rough year and yes we wish more than anything we could bring Ryan back to help fill the loneliness. But the rest of our life is pretty great. There are so many people that live much different lives, who struggle every day in so many ways. Thanks so much to everyone who makes our lives so much better than they could be! For all of you....we give thanks.

Opening my eyes to the weather and the good in things

2010-08-30T21:26:00.004-06:00

Things are maybe starting to get a bit better...whatever that means. I don't well up in tears as often when I talk about Ryan or am reminded of something. Instead I typically smile as I remember all of the happy memories we had. This time has really allowed me to reflect on a lot of things and made me so very grateful for everything that happened. If there was any way Ryan could have stayed with us, of course I would have wanted that. But knowing that wasn't an option, I am so lucky for what did happen.

As Talyn continues to grow up, he is creating new memories of his own. We talk about daddy all the time, but I also worry that he will slowly forget the times they spent together. But because we had advance notice of Ryan's future, we had the time to put a bunch of pieces in place so that as Talyn grows older I will have many things to show him. The videos that Ryan did for us and his book are really the best legacy someone could hope to leave. Talyn will be able to hear his daddy's voice and see his maneurisms and learn more about who he was.

Ryan and I had time to discuss my future without him and what was important to him, as I continued to raise Talyn. We were able to say "I love you" to each other about 500 extra times and I know that if he has any control over his new life now, he is staying close to us and making sure we are okay.

This week Talyn starts Kindergarten. He is so proud of going to full day school and the structure that will bring our lives is really coming at the perfect time. Although we've really needed to have little structure for the last while, now it's time to create some again and find new ways to bring meaning and purpose to our lives.

We also had some time away in Regina and at the cottage. For Talyn that time gave him some one on one attention that he's been craving and for me, the world stopped and I was left with nothing but the loneliness. We used to go on this vacation together every summer and going without Ryan was very different. It used to be the chance we had to reconnect and start planning again for the next year. Now those plans were all erased.

One day when I was having a hard time, Talyn told me that daddy talks to him every day. I have learned to not act surprised by anything anymore and asked him to tell me more. But he said it was a secret between him and daddy. I asked him if daddy was there and if he could please ask him something for me. I said "ask daddy if there's anything he wants to tell me". That was my sure fire way of finding out whether something I wanted to be true so badly was or not. Talyn said "oh yes he does and it's very important!". "Great", I said, "what is it?". It was a beautiful sunny day and the forecast was all sun too, we were on our way to the exhibition for a day outside of rides and games. "daddy says check the weather". "what?" I said, "no, I asked if there's anything he wants to tell me. surely something very important is not that". "Yes", Talyn said, "he says check the clouds".

So that was the end of my hope that something in this was true. If Ryan had the chance to tell me something, it would certainly be how much he loved me, missed me, anything - but not "check the weather". We spent the next couple of hours enjoying the exhibition with friends and then talyn pointed up to the sky and said "look at the dark clouds mommy, that must have been what daddy was talking about". Sure enough, on a beautiful sunny day, the dark clouds that weren't forecasted came rolling in.

At the time, I was speechless. Wondering if I was going crazy, if Talyn was a jedi-meteorologist or if somehow Ryan was telling us that he was still with us. Before he died, Kevin and I used to tell him that if he was able to send us some signs from his next life, to please do so. I choose to believe that this was my sign.

Coming back to Calgary was really nice. I think the time away made me stop and spend some time alone with my feelings. There was no laundry to do, no chores around the house or emails to send....only time and thoughts. Although that was incredibly hard, I needed to get some of that out and I did. Being back allowed me to feel differently about things here. Instead of focusing on what was lost, I felt grateful for what we had and how lucky we were for how things happened. I challenge you all to take a look at your lives and its challenges through different eyes and see how it feels. I think you'll agree that we are all very lucky.

Dragons are very dangerous!

2010-07-11T14:10:00.006-06:00

Friday marked the first annual Ryan Westerman Open, golf tournament. Can you imagine? Ryan would have been over the moon at the idea of a golf tournament in his name. Investors Group, where he worked, pulled this amazing idea together. It had 32 golfers and then there was a BBQ after at the Colbourne's house. They put together a raffle with a bunch of prizes and a big grand prize - a trip to Arizona. The money they raised went to us - but really will go into Talyn's sports fund.

After they presented us with the money they put together, I just stood there rather stunned. But then Talyn turned to me and asked if he could talk. They quickly got him a chair and up he stood in front of about 50 people assembled, waiting for him to speak. He took a deep breath and then started...

"Dragons are very dangerous. If you ever see one, you should stop what you're doing, look around and run away." It was hilarious. I think he might have been referring in his own way to the book - stop, drop and smile - but maybe he was just being a 5 year old and talking about dragons.

I went over to him and whispered that maybe we should say something about daddy, but he just shook his head and so I took over. I started to say a few words of thanks to them all and then Talyn decided again he did want to talk.

"You all know that my daddy is dead and that means that none of you will ever be able to see him again. But he will always be with my mommy and me...in our hearts and in his box." Tears welled up and because I knew exactly what he meant, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Talyn and I both got keepsake hearts with a few of ryan's ashes in them that we will keep forever and we keep them in a beautiful wood box we received as a gift. So Talyn meant that daddy will always be with us...in his box.

The night ended with the organizer approaching me to tell me about all of the plans he already had for next year and we quickly brainstormed what it could be. And so another piece of Ryan's legacy has been put into place, as we continue to try and fill the big hole he left behind.

MANY THANKS to everyone at IG that attended and helped with this.

Trying to find the joy

2010-07-05T11:49:00.000-06:00

So much has happened over the past month, but overall the feelings for both of us are still about the same. Life with cancer was filled with very high - high's and very low - low's. But lately things have just felt numb. Although I do still laugh and smile, it's not the same. I feel like the mountain peaks I used to climb and fall from are more like prairies now. There aren't many high's and not many low's either - until I got literally dropped back down.

Talyn and I have been trying to catch up on our normal lives - doctor and dentist appointments. So when we went for our annual physicals (about 2 years late), I thought - so this is what normal life is like. Until we noticed an area of thickening near my recurrence. Quickly all the pieces went into motion and I was in for an ultrasound and to see my surgeon just days later. Luckily, it all turned out to be just change in scar tissue - but it did rattle me a bit. It rattled the anger that hasn't really come around.

Then over the past couple of weeks, Tricia has been having her own health issues. One thing has led to a couple of others and last week there was a period of time where we were all fairly certain that her leukemia was making a come back. Just when I was feeling like I was starting to get more back into a few things in my life and BOOM - out of nowhere, we were all dropped into the valley. Over those days, I felt that anger come out more strongly and in that moment, I completely understood why Kevin decided to train for a marathon over the past year. I had all of this anger building up inside of me and couldn't figure out how to get it out. But running for me has always been a way of getting the build up of crap out.

But you will have noticed I used the past tense above, because we found out Wednesday that whatever has been going on with Tricia, it has not been due to the Leukemia. In the moments when we found that out, I was shot back up to the mountain peak - in fact we all were. I felt like we had both again been handed back our precious lives and at the same time, the subtle reminder to treat it with respect.

I continue to increase my hours at work and am trying to find the same connection with it that I used to and with time, that is definitely coming back. The struggle that I am having is that my filter is gone. The little things build up inside of me and I have a hard time keeping them in. When I feel that people aren't remembering to focus on the good things - I can't help but remind them.

The hardest day for me so far has been Father's Day. For that entire day, there was just a big hole that existed that was impossible to ignore. But throughout the day we did see many two dotted ladybugs to remind us that Ryan wasn't far away. We have now been seeing these two dotted ladybugs since Ryan's last month in the hospice, when it was winter outside, so I know they are a sign for us.

Our friends have been forcing us out, to do things we haven't done in a very long time - hiking and trips to the mountains, edmonton to visit Jill and family and it all really helps!

Talyn continues to talk about Ryan, it's now just his story. On two occasions, he has just added it into conversation with strangers. Once at Zoe's (Jill's daughter) kindergarten class, where he was asked to tell them a bit about him. He said "my name is Talyn, I am 5 years old, I live in Calgary in a red house, next door to my best friend Andy, Zoe has been to calgary a lot to visit me, cause my dad just died." It absolutely blows them away, they usually tear up and look to me in disbelief, but all I can do in nod in agreement, as he continues to answer their questions. It doesn't make him sad, it's just his story. And I am just happy he continues to talk about it.

After the shock to reality that we had with Tricia's health scare last week, I feel a push to start to do more. I was thinking about what places I have always wanted to travel to and wondered why I hadn't planned for a trip to one of the list in the next year? I was thinking about all of the things I have always wanted to do with Talyn and wondered what I am waiting for? I was also trying to think about what things make me happy and wondered why I don't do them more often?

Although I don't yet have any good answers, I hope to get some soon. I also truly hope that our lives will make you ask yourselves some of these same questions and that you come up with some good answers soon too.

A Whole New World

2010-05-27T11:53:00.007-06:00

When I was growing up - I loved the movie The Little Mermaid. The story of a girl who overcomes everything. It was filled with fun music that Tricia and I were known to belt out on many occasions. There was something about it that was hopeful, even though it was all new. And that is how I am trying to look at our new life.

Our trip to Disneyworld with the Crowes was great. It was jam-packed, fitting in 2 visits to Magic Kingdom, 1 to Animal Kingdom, Sea World and 2 Water Parks in just 7 days. I am so thankful that we went and that we were with the Crowes. Kevin did a great job of playing double duty dad to the boys and Hannah provided me with an outlet that I needed, when I needed it. We mostly laughed, but had some tears too, as we wished that Ryan could have made the trip with us. Talyn even said..." why couldn't daddy have died after this trip?".

I started attending a Young Widow Support Group last week. Who knew there were enough people affected by this that were younger...but as my life takes another turn, I again am faced with another need in our community. So maybe down the road I will channel some of my energy towards that, but for now I am just relieved to meet with some other people who really "get" where I am right now.

This week I started a very gradual return to work. It is one of the many pieces that I am trying to fit into my new puzzle. It was better than I thought in some ways and harder in others. But channeling my energy to somewhere that I feel such fulfillment from will be good.

What is giving me a lot of positive energy these days is some fun things for Ryan. Our friends Nathan and Christina are hosting a fundraiser in his honour on June 5th and it will be nice to have a day for him and give back to Rosedale Hospice for all they did for our family. As well we are within a day or so of launching his website and then the sale of his book. My next posting will no doubt be all about that.

Tayn continues to do well, but is filled with many questions that bring me back to the place that is so raw. Can we turn the ashes back into daddy's body? What do you think daddy is doing up there right now? Can you please get me a new daddy cause mine died? How old will I be when I die? I struggle to continue to come up with answers for all of them and mostly it just breaks my heart that I can't make it all better for him. That's what mom's are supposed to do!

We went to go see the new Shrek movie last weekend and popped into Lululemon afterwards for my niece to take a look around. There was a guy riding a bike to raise funds for the upcoming Ride to Conquer Cancer. Talyn asked why he was riding a bike and I explained that it was for medicine for people with cancer. "Can they get medicine up to daddy too so that we can get him back?" he asked. But then he said he wanted to go talk to the guy riding. When we got up there, Talyn got shy and the rider just asked me what time it was. "7:15, I said. What time are you riding until?" "9, don't know if I can make it", he said. Then Talyn said to him "My daddy just died from cancer.". The rider looked shocked and looked to me for confirmation. "Yes, just 6 weeks ago" I said. "Thanks for riding so that no one else dies from cancer" Talyn said" The rider got tears in his eyes and said "Thanks buddy, I will have no problems making it to 9 now".

So our lives continue to be filled with firsts - our first plane ride without the ex-pilot, our first vacation, and many more weekly. In that moment my eyes fill with tears as I wish desperately that we could make daddy's ashes back into his body or that they could get the medicine up to him and then we could get him back. But for now it's a whole new world for us, one that we are trying to enjoy and keep smiling in for Ryan.

Smiles for Ryan Event - June 5

2010-05-24T16:23:00.002-06:00

Family Photography Fundraiser

Smiles for Ryan is a benefit in the memory of Ryan, to raise funds for the Rosedale Hospice, where Ryan spent the last months of his life. As you know, Ryan was known for his infectious smile, and his ability to brighten the day of those around him.

The Rosedale Hospice relies on donations from the community. So, on Saturday, June 5th, 2010, Christina (plus) Nathan Photography will be taking family photographs for a minimum donation of $100 to Rosedale Hospice.

For complete details and to book your session, please contact Nathan at: cplusnphoto@gmail.com

For portfolio examples, visit us on the web at christinaplusnathan.com

On June 5th, bring your smile and help us support this invaluable resource for families in need!

My "person" is gone

2010-04-29T19:10:00.004-06:00

I still mostly feel like I'm in a dream. Because Ryan had moved into the pad at the end of January, we had some time to adjust to our house without Ryan in it and so most times I can trick myself into thinking we just haven't seen him in a while. But then I remember the reality of things.

The hardest time of day for me is the morning. Waking up to a new day, sun shining in and turning over and remembering that he's not there. It feels really lonely and that will take a very long time to get used to. Some people have asked me what is the biggest change and I know exactly what it is.

You know when someone cuts you off in traffic and you need to tell someone? You know when something hilarious happens and you know exactly who you're going to call first? You know the person that makes you feel better when you're sick? Well that one person that I had in my life is now gone. That is the biggest change for me.

Talyn has been doing okay. Both at preschool and his dayhome, they are noticing some anger coming out. This is unfortunately normal for what he's dealing with, but breaks my heart. He spent the first two weeks after Ryan died trying to figure out how we could get him back and why he wouldn't just come back? But now he's mostly accepted that isn't going to happen and spends his time trying to figure out how we can get to daddy.

Sometimes he wishes we could both die so that we can be a family again together in heaven. And sometimes he wishes he were a giant, so he would be as tall as the clouds and then he could reach daddy to give him a big hug. I just wish I could make it all better for him, but I can't and that brings tears to my eyes to even write.

We are coming up on what might be a very hard "first". Talyn turns five next week and his birthday party is this weekend. Although he is excited about the party, he chose a Star Wars theme for daddy and we chose to have it at home in case daddy could be with us. I am sure the day will be hectic and with much distraction, but I am also sure that we will feel a big hole.

Then next week on the actual day we go into his preschool and talk about the years of his life. Last year Tricia helped us create a beautiful collage and Ryan, Talyn and I got to talk about it to his class. This year he asked if Kevin and Tricia could come because Ryan can't...I think I might be the one trying to hold it together that day! For his present, I am suprising him with a trip to DisneyWorld with the Crowes. I figure we could all use some of the happiest place in the world in our lives these days.

We continue to see signs of Ryan scattered throughout our lives and I am not ready to change that. I also continue to feel a true "pit in my stomach" sadness at the loss I feel every day. The life that Ryan helped us build was full of laughter, smiles and hugs, so we are trying to keep those things a big part of what we do. I feel like I have slowed down a bit and am more reflective about wanting to live a really great life today and be genuinely good to other people. I don't know yet exactly how I have changed, but know that I have and will continue to do so as we continue through this new journey.

The hardest 2 weeks of my life

2010-04-17T18:59:00.002-06:00

Good Friday things started to turn for Ryan and we knew that the end was near. His breathing made a distinct change that afternoon and his headaches were getting worse. He put his hand to his head (the signal we had learned as his speech had lessened) and we called the nurse for some more drugs. After Carol gave him a top up and came back in to ask him "how's the headache Ryan...are the drugs helping?", he answered his last word "AWESOME!" - typical Ryan. That evening he entered a comatose state and we didn't really see him again.

I stayed on the cot at the foot of his bed that night and listened to the steady 3 breaths and the long pause that happened after that - and wondered whether more breaths would start or not. The nurses came in every 30 minutes to check on him. His heart rate was climbing steadily, but otherwise he was sleeping and non responsive. In the early hours of the morning, I texted Kevin to give him an update and he came up to be with us. From 5 to 7 am that morning, Kevin and I stood around Ryan's bed and told him all of the funny memories we had of him. We both laughed and Ryan raised his eyebrows a couple of times to show that he was listening.

Saturday some of Ryan's family and mine arrived and everyone came in to see him. In the mid-afternoon, the AMAZING pad doctor also came to see him - on her day off. By that time his breathing had changed again and the rhythm was more like a gasp for air coming from his stomach followed by a pause. Although he was in a comatose state, it was really hard for all of us to be around him and listen to his laboured breathing - wondering if his pain was really under control and if he was struggling for air or not.

When his colour in his face started changing rapidly, the doctor told everyone to say what they needed to as he probably wouldn't be there one hour later. Everyone rushed in to say some things to him and gave him one last kiss and one last "I love you". But that was around 3:30 Saturday afternoon and you all know when things actually went down...Ryan the ultimate fighter! An hour or so later some colour came back to his face and his breathing remained unchanged. So we all waited.

Ryan had been clear that when he passed he wanted me on his left side holding his hand and Talyn on his right. But of course with the laboured breathing and the sounds that go along with that, Talyn wasn't really comfortable staying in the room for long. So he would run in and out throughout the day. And it was a long day and everyone was getting tired, so in the later evening everyone left to go home for a bit. They thought that he would likely still be there in the morning, so said their goodbyes for now. But Ryan had his plan...

Before they left, Tricia did the most amazing thing. She got Talyn to lie on the cot at the foot of Ryan's bed and tickled him to sleep there. That is where he slept soundly for the entire night. And then it was just me left laying on Ryan's left side holding his hand, Talyn at the foot of the bed sleeping and my brother and Kevin on the second floor sleeping and waiting with us.

The nurses were in every 15 minutes with a flashlight looking for all the signs of a change, but our superman kept up the fight. I spent the night laying beside Ryan for an hour and then went to lay with Talyn for the next hour. At about 3:15 I woke up with Talyn and noticed that Ryan's breathing had definitely changed again. The nurses came in and confirmed that things were slowing down. They went downstairs to get Kevin and Chad.

Ryan's breathing was then just one very shallow breath with a fairly long pause after it. Every pause we all waited to see if another breath would follow or not. This continued until just before 4 am, when I said to Kevin....what is the date today? He said...I think it's the 4th. Just then I realized...it was the 4th month, the 4th day and he stopped breathing at 4 am. It was at that time that he took his last breath and in the long pause that followed...no other breath came. A week prior to this, Talyn had come running into the house holding a ladybug but said "momma, it's a ladybug - but why does this one have 4 spots?" - we didn't know at the time...but now do.

The last 2 weeks have been the hardest in my life. The first week was filled with preparations for the amazing celebration of his life. He had done all the planning in advance to ensure it was an upbeat celebration full of laughter and it was! Talyn even got up and spoke about his daddy and how he told really funny jokes...I was so proud of him and thought Ryan must have been standing up there with him, because Talyn had no fear.

Then last Sunday everyone went home. Talyn and I have been alone this week and he has gotten back into his daily routine - which I am also so proud of him for. I have been busy with the big lists of things to do and that has been good for me. But as the people have left and the list has decreased, we are only left with the sad loss of Ryan.

Today was the hardest day yet. Our first weekend day of loneliness and heartache for our daddy and husband. I know that with time this should get easier, but right now it just feels grey and empty. Ryan left a huge void to fill and we were so lucky to have the time we did! We miss you like crazy...love Talyn and Tasha

Small moments of Ryan

2010-03-31T11:37:00.003-06:00

Every time I want to write an update on Ryan, I for a second wonder if I'm jinxing myself. If by writing something, another change will come right away. I know that's ridiculous, but I've always been a bit superstitious and this experience has made me more on edge all the time.

Since last week, Ryan's left side has seen a bit of weakening and that has made it hard for him to get around much at all anymore. He spends most of his days sleeping and is up for about 1 hour every day (if you put all of the time together). But in that time, he is mostly quiet or is trying to communicate something that you can't quite understand. It reminds me of when Tricia was in ICU. They are trying so hard to tell you something, but it's not coming out the way it should. So it's like the hardest game of charades you've ever played and if you don't figure out the answer very quickly, they will get frustratatd and just go back to sleep.

Ryan still tries to get up to go to the bathroom, probably mostly from his amazing fighting and stubborn nature and partly his memory forgetting that he can't, so Kevin, Jo-Ann and I are doing a sleeping rotation in his room. We have a little cot set up so that if and when he tries to get up, we are right there to help him. Then on the other nights I am either at home with Talyn or offer him the option of staying here with me in the guest room.

Talyn is still up and down. Some moments are better than others and he still asks why the doctors can't just cut into daddy's head and get the tumour out! When I told him that it would be too dangerous and would hurt daddy more, he said that he wanted to be a doctor so that he could help fix people. Wouldn't it be interesting if that is the good he gets from this situation? The motivation to study to be a doctor and try to "fix people".

I am trying to manage my energy and be here with Ryan as much as I can to try and get that little bit of Ryan time every day. We all still struggle with watching him within this body that is failing him now and his mind that is mostly foggy, knowing that he wouldn't want to be here. But then we see a couple of moments a day that show us that Ryan is still there - a head nod with a half smirk or a sassy word and we try to take it in and cherish it for the days when there won't be anymore of those.

Walking the Line

2010-03-25T10:41:00.003-06:00

These days have seemed to just melt by and I have to think for a minute to remember what day of the week it even is. I am spending most of my time at the hospice with Ryan now and still struggling with the balance of time with Talyn too. It's something that I have always struggled with throughout my life and now the balance between them both and my own needs is very tricky at best.

Ryan's family is here to be with him and my mom is here to be with Talyn. That allows me to be whereever I want at any moment - which is mostly at the hospice. I always think that if it was me who was confused, sleepy and in a new place alone, I would want him with me - so I am trying to do the same. I can tell he wants me here too because when he does quickly open his eyes every hour or so, he scans the room and then when we meet eyes, he gives me a big smile.

Last night I stayed at home with Talyn and Ryan's brother stayed up here so that I could try and regain some energy. But my heart felt like it literally stopped when my cell rang at 12:30 am from the hospice and the lady at the other end introduced herself. In that moment I thought...."this is it - the call I've been dreading. I can't believe it happened on the night I am not there." Instead, Ryan was very confused and wanted to speak to me, so they called to try and calm him down. Once I explained where I was and that it was the middle of the night and he'd see me tomorrow, he settled down a bit.

Ryan is continuing to battle an increasing headache and is on some heavy pain medications to keep him comfortable. But he says it's always there a bit. His days are spent sleeping more and more and his words are very mixed up. Most of the time, we just try to assure him we understand and that everything is okay and he settles down to sleep again.

In my readings about people that are near death, there is often talk about unfinished business and experiences of crossing over and coming back. We've seen lots of interesting things with Ryan that continue to signal the time is near. He wakes frustrated about something that he needs to get done - unpluggling cords or talking to someone. Once he even told Kevin that he had to go somewhere soon and that he didn't know where it was, but that it would be really good. He will also think that his right hand is moving again and then realize it actually isn't. Are you getting goose bumps yet?

There are many hard parts to what is happening right now. But the worst is watching his body continue to fail him and knowing that if he knew this was happening, that he would want to go. But we can't just snap our fingers and make that happen. On days where I feel strong, I say out loud to someone that I hope he goes soon, because I know that this isn't the life that he wants to live. But then I instantly feel my heart breaking and think that isn't what I want at all. I just want him to stay with us forever.

Yesterday I went to Talyn's school to see what work he's been doing lately. After he finished one exercise he told me that now it was time to make a wish. He wished that we could be a family that allowed guns in our house (we are trying not to allow toy guns in our house - even though he still makes them out of anything he can find) and that his daddy wouldn't die and he could stay alive with us. I told him that I wished that no matter what happened, daddy wouldn't be in pain and that the two of us would be okay.

Thanks so much for all of your kind words that continue to lift us up and bring us some much needed strength as we walk the line.

My Ladybug

2010-03-18T12:59:00.003-06:00

If you've read Ryan's blog, you know that we are seeing some more changes. He has been having some headaches which he is rating a 7 out of 10. But he has quite the pain tolerance after all he's been through, so I am fairly certain it would be off the charts for any of us. Over the last day, they have worked hard to minimize the pain and gotten it down to his "2 out of 10" (our 5 I'm sure). He is now on a steady dose of morphine and that seems to be helping.

He has also been very sleepy most of the time. Both the headaches and the sleepiness are common symptoms for the location of his tumour. They are taking very good care of him here at the pad and the doc will see him again on Saturday to try and assess how quickly things are going. For those of us close to him, it's heartbreaking to watch this all happen - but we just don't want to see him in pain, so are thankful that is being minimized.

Talyn has been having some emotional problems with all of this and it has been expressed as panic attacks when we come to the pad. So we are trying to reduce his visits in half and that seems to have helped. Thank goodness for Skype he can still see daddy when he wants.

And me? Well I am just keeping going. I am keeping myself busy with watching Ryan sleep and doing tasks, but what else can I do? Inside my heart is breaking in two, but I don't want to spend my time with Ryan now upset. I already know that his biggest regret in leaving so soon is leaving Talyn and I alone. If I just cried all of the time when I was with him that would make it harder on him. So I am continuing to find out how strong I am and wait for the fall that will surely come. My comfort is knowing all of the people that are there to catch me.

Over the past 2 months, I have been seeing a cute little 2 dotted ladybug. Some of you are reading this thinking - okay, get this girl some sleep - she is losing it! But I have always been with someone else when these sightings happen - Talyn, Ryan or Jo-Ann. And every time we get the little guy moved to a nearby plant. When I mentioned this to "the coolest spiritual person you'll ever meet" Shane, he wasn't surprised and told me to look up "ladybug" and "totem" on the internet.

What I found is that the ladybug is a symbol of many things and whenever I am having an especially hard time or discussion, they seem to appear. For me they signify a time of change and metamorphisis. They remind me that we've been fortunate to have Ryan in as good of health as he has been for as long as we have - and certainly for the first 5 crucial developmental years of Talyn's life. And they also tell me that although there is 3, soon there will be 2 - Talyn and I and we will be okay.

Love to you all....

A legacy of smiles

2010-03-07T19:57:00.004-07:00

We have seen a few changes with Ryan physically this past week and that continues to break my heart. He has double vision now for most things, wakes up most days with new weakness on the right side and lacks much of the energy he had only weeks ago. This all continues to be hard on him mentally and I really don't know how he does it most days.

With all of these changes, my mind has started to wander to the dark side. In earlier relationships, I was always the girl that completely lost myself in them. But with Ryan, I lost some of who I was and became who we are now. As I think about the potential future that awaits me, I worry about how to find my way in that new life. How do I try to rediscover who I am again at 35?

My eye is almost back to normal. That was one of the scariest things that ever happened to me and also one of the quickest healing things that I have ever experienced. Phew!

We have also had more visitors over the past couple of weekends. It's a very tricky balance. For me it's good to have company and keep my mind on today. It's also necessary for Ryan, as he has a much harder time every week getting up and down our stairs. But we also miss the time we used to have with just our family. In what seems like a life time ago, we had almost too much time together - doing boring weekend errands and resting up from a busy week. Now we don't get much of that and it's hard to even remember what that was like.

The best thing that has happened in the past two weeks is that we have completed Ryan's book and it's going to the printer this week! What book you ask? Ryan has always wanted to write a book to try and help other people and to leave his legacy. With the help of a family friend, Susan, he did it.

They spent lots of time together over the past two months - him talking, her listening and her asking questions, him answering. Then Susan spent a lot of time writing (a true talent she has) and getting all of the other details organized and ta-da - the book should be ready soon. Initially we are printing 200 copies and see where it goes from there. This wouldn't have been possible without Susan - THANKS for helping this dream come true for Ryan!

Although we are experiencing what seems like the hardest of times we've ever had as a family, we still find time to laugh and live in the moment. We got Ryan to a Flames game on Friday night (thanks Don) and still appreciate the time Ryan gets at home with us. Through everything Ryan has been through, he still manages to smile. So when you're having a bad moment take a second to reflect on that and pull yourself out. If he can still smile, then I'm sure you can to!

You will be happy

2010-02-19T18:31:00.011-07:00

Initially when we heard the really bad news in early January, we had a period where we tried to adjust to it and then started putting some things in place. We hurried to get all of his legal documents current and had a lot of hard conversations. But since then Ryan hasn't had any big changes, so we've settled back into a new normal life. Most days I have some time with Ryan, he has a nap, someone else may visit and then Talyn, Ryan and I spend the evenings together at the pad. We eat dinner together, play a game and then Talyn and I go home to get him to bed.

On the weekends, we have been lucky enough to have him home for one or two nights too. Physically, his right arm continues to weaken, so he now has it in a sling to keep his shoulder and wrist supported. Some days he is very tired and others, surprisingly awake and alert.

At the end of last week, I caught a quick glimpse of another young brain cancer patient and his family, that we recognized from the Tom Baker Cancer Center. I told Ryan that he must be touring the hospice and we hurried outside to say hello. He is younger than Ryan, with a young wife and his parents were there too. It was at that moment that it struck me how unfair this all is. To us, we've always just accepted this as our life. But looking at a similar situation as an outsider, it seemed incredibly wrong. And that image stuck with me for many days afterwards.

Last weekend was a hard one mentally for us both. We had our hard time initially adjusting to the news in early Janaury and getting through the hard planning and conversations, but then we had some time to just be. But lately we've had another period where we have stopped and the reality of what is happening has hit us.

I have continued to try things to keep my energy up and reiki has been helpful. Our friends also arranged for me to have a hot stone massage - that was really helpful! Finally, I went to a work dinner and got to re-connect with a bunch of people that gave me a lot of positive energy, as they asked about Ryan and assured me that they are thinking of us and sending us lots of positive thoughts.

At that dinner, I had one conversation that really stuck with me. Someone pulled me aside to ask how things were going and in that moment, I let go a bit and told him that I didn't quite know where to keep my head these days. He said he didn't know either, but what he did know is that however things turned out ... "you will be happy". No one had said that to me yet, or if they did it hadn't hit me like this did. I actually breathed a sigh of relief and felt a bit lighter, with some new confidence that I could get through this and find happiness again some day.

In the last couple of days, we had another small challenge. Talyn accidentally poked me in the eye and when he did it, his fingernails sheared my cornea. I have been through a lot of different painful events in my life, but this one took the cake. I have never passed out from the pain and this time I came very close to that. I am on the mend now, after spending a couple of days looking like a "wanna be movie star" with sunglasses on at all times. One of my darkest thoughts has been "what if something really bad happens to me physically when I am home alone with Talyn? How can I handle that?". But the most important lesson I learned from all of this is that I can do this alone...if I need to.

Trying to hold my heart together

2010-02-10T09:29:00.004-07:00

It is incredibly heart breaking to watch this happen to someone so full of life. I try to comfort myself in the positives - I was lucky to have such an amazing husband for the time I did, it truly changed me for the better. He has taught me to slow down (still working on that one), let more things roll off my back, has given me an amazing son and really helped to make me who I am today.

For those of us around him, we know that things are progressing, but I try not to see it. When he comes home on the weekends, it is the clearest to me. I have to help him get around much more than the week before. Although he tries his best to do everything on his own, he does need more assistance now. His right hand is much weaker and doesn't do much he wants it to and he struggles more with walking - but I am still so proud that he is defying the odds as his mobility was supposed to be gone by now.

The last two days I have felt a tight ball in my heart. It just feels stuck and I don't know how to make it better. I went to acupuncture and my doctor told me that my emotions are really stagnated (which is shown in medical terms by my liver not moving like it should and not riding my body of the toxins it should). This is a real warning sign to me because that can lead to bigger problems if my body remembers the ugly cancer stuff it had before.

So, I started going back to the gym this week. Working out has always helped me work out the bad stuff before, I run like mad and feel better as I push my lungs and visualize me pounding on the ugly things in my life at the time. I am also going to Reiki and get some help pulling some emotions out of me. I don't feel like I'm trying to hold anything in, it's just stuck. So a good friend recommended this way to get someone else to help me pull it out.

Talyn continues to do fairly well, but has his moments where he is trying to figure everything out. He has even said some things this week that break my heart. He told me that he wished I would die and daddy could stay and be with him, but I realize they are out of anger. It still breaks my heart that I can't fix it all for him. He went to his weekly play therapy session last week and was really struggling with being there. He said he wanted to go and was having a bad day when she was asking him the hard questions. So we ended up finishing early and shortly after Talyn started vomiting. I took him home and spent the day cuddling him and watching G-Force.

The great thing that happened this week is that I got a ring made for my right hand ring finger. I realize that I will have to take off my wedding rings at some point and that will feel like Ryan is really gone. But with this ring, I can always wear it. I chose Ryan's birthstone - a blue topaz and it is held together by three small bands to represent the three of us together in our hearts forever. It is a reminder of all of the amazing things Ryan brings to my life and that whatever happens in the upcoming months, having him a part of my life for even this short time is not something I would change if I could.

My little protector

2010-02-01T07:09:00.003-07:00

Last night I was giving Talyn a bath at Ryan's new "pad" (that's what he wants us to call the Hospice) and he was asking some more of his really hard questions. Then he said "I know....you can wait until I get bigger and then I will marry you!". I started crying quietly and he said "isn't that a good idea momma?" and I said "you are the best my love". In his little word, he had something all figured out to try and fix this terrible, unfixable thing that is happening in our world.

Ryan moved into the hospice last Thursday and even though we were struggling with the timing of the move terribly, it was even better than we thought it was when we got there. The house and its staff are absolutely amazing. We had no idea it could be a good thing mentally as well, but it is. It's a place that allows me to relax because they can cook meals for all of us and has a great playroom for Talyn. So it's quickly turning into a family place for us that is safe and quiet.

Then we took Ryan home for a weekend pass. I was a bit nervous about that. After only a day in hospice, I was already worried about how I would manage. When we got home, Ryan was a bit nervous too - he missed his safety net and the convenience of everything in his room being so close for him. He got fairly tired moving around our house and was actually happy to be back at the pad last night.

I continue to be mostly "ok" - whatever that means. Last night when Talyn and I got home for the second night on our own, he quickly fell asleep and I watched Desperate Housewives - something Ryan and I always watched together. It was a good show, but something came over me at the end when Bree attended a 50th wedding anniverary. At that moment, the reality hit. Ryan and I likely wouldn't get that and I wanted it. But there's nothing I can do to change the future.

The company that I work for continues to amaze me too. They are giving me this time off to be with my family. I can't help but feel some guilt bubble up to the surface from time to time about that. But at the same time, things are so busy that I haven't yet found a way to fit some "me" time into my days. Hopefully this week I can find a way to work that all out.

Friends and family continue to swoop in where needed to help us out with the smallest day to day things and that is helping tremendously. It's hard to know what we need, but they seem to.

Now it's time to get up and get on with another day and hope that it's a good one. Our love and thanks to you all!

Some more perspective

2010-01-23T08:57:00.003-07:00

Last night Ryan and I had planned to put Talyn to bed and then watch a comedy together. But when we turned on the TV, we couldn't take our eyes off of the "Hope for Haiti Now" US broadcast. It was a breathtaking collection of people that had dropped whatever high paying job they had on the go, to come and use their talents to raise funds.

We have been mostly avoiding watching and reading the news lately, because it mostly seems to be bad and that might only bring us down. So although we knew about the devastation in Haiti, until we saw the images last night, we really had no idea.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone so suddenly in that disaster and especially to the kids that don't know if they have parents now and are walking the streets alone and scared. They need so much help and although this is a terrible thing to happen, it warms our hearts to see how something so awful brings people together.

This gave me a chance to be thankful for what we have. Yes, our situation isn't ideal and will likely get worse. But we have each other today and we have our own amazing collection of people that have come together to hold us up through this time.

As I woke up in my warm bed with Ryan breathing steadily beside me and Talyn poking me in the side to tell me the clock said "703", all I could feel was extreme gratitude.

Hard questions and some new "stability"

2010-01-22T07:13:00.006-07:00

First things first, Ryan is mostly stable still. He continues to defy all odds and I am amazed at how little time his mind spends in the bad cancer place. How does someone get up every morning and wonder whether everything is still the same? Can I still see? Walk? Talk? I couldn't imagine living with that every day, but he does.

I say "mostly stable" because he has had some very minor changes in the past 2 days. He may have a bit more weakness on his right arm, is having some problems finding words at times and has had more fatigue. But compared to what they expected, this is really minor stuff.

Home care has been amazing as they continue to call or visit daily and check in on him. They think a bed might be available at the only hospice we are comfortable with for Ryan next week, and then we will have to have a real discussion about pros and cons. At this point, we are managing well at home and it is so nice to wake up with him beside me each morning and have him around the comforts of home. But there are significant risks of a sudden change happening at any time and because of that, it is likely safer for him to be at a hospice. You can see my struggle.

As we have achieved some "stability" in this new world, I have been struggling with how to spend my time. Don't get me wrong, helping Ryan around, driving everyone and getting his new diet prepped is a lot of work, but for "me" time - what should that be? Should I engage in some work things because it makes me feel strong? Should I get things done around the house while I can? Should I be spending every waking minute staring at Ryan and driving him crazy?

One thing I do know is that I feel that I have done a good job of "sharing" him with all of the people that visit and spend time with him and now I am worried that other than doing things for him around the house, I haven't had my time with him. So we are planning a dinner date tomorrow night to get some quality time with just us.

Talyn is doing well and asking lots of really hard questions as he tries to piece together what death is and what life might be like without daddy. He started play therapy again and seems much more open to the questions we all have for him when we check in, so that's an improvement from last time. But overall, kids really do see things much simpler than we do. For him, he feels comfortable associating people that die as rocks. Which I think is a fine analogy for now.

We continue to be grateful for this extra time we have as a family and of course every once in a while catch ourselves hoping that we will have much more. Then reality kicks in and we try and live in the moment. It's a hard balance to keep, but this time has given us that chance to breathe that we have been hoping for.

Parties, More Tears and Breaks of Sunshine

2010-01-13T11:42:00.003-07:00

This past week has flown by. I am certainly still struggling with the news, but now have more "up" times than "down". The one question that keeps getting asked of me is "Do you feel strong?" and I am not feeling that way yet. I am moving in the right direction, but feel like my strength is still building. Proof of that is my body got the flu last night. I am in bed trying to rest it out and just made my way downstairs for some crackers and ginger ale.

Ryan is doing amazing. In the past week, his symptoms have remained the same. I almost worry about writing that since it might jinx it, but want to share the news. He is still on a waitlist for hospice, but we are hoping that he gets some more time at home first.

Mentally though he is even stronger than last week. One day after the news, he announced that he wanted to have a party to celebrate his life while he was still here. That alone, is amazing.

Our friends pulled together and made that happen for him in 48 hours! Friday night we had 60 close friends and family here to celebrate with him. We had a photographer to take photos so everyone would remember Ryan for who he is. And deep down, our hope is that we'll have this party ever year.

We had lots of family and friends fly in for the weekend and have been absorbed by love. But Monday we asked to have some time for just the three of us to spend together. I appreciate every morning that we wake up together and his body is warm and moving up and down from his breath.

Last week, our favorite photographer Michelle Wells came over to take some more amazing pictures for us. Check out her blog for some she posted http://michellewellsphotography.ca/theblog/.

We also had Global over to the house yesterday and they showed a spot on Ryan last night. Even with what he's dealing with, he wants to share his story so that other people might feel better about their situations. http://www.globaltvcalgary.com/video/index.html?releasePID=IcGEYfvLjBogaJuky0RriaOI56ey_rtd

In the past 2 weeks, we've had lots of moments of absolute despair. But we've also been again blessed with some breaks of sunshine - Ryan and I have felt renewed love in our marriage and a connection that is so deep, friends and family have come to help us out where we need it and we have had some great moments as a family. Appreciate those around you and what you have - you never know what tomorrow might bring.

Crying a River

2010-01-07T13:46:00.004-07:00

Lots has happened since the last post and unfortuanetely it's not what we had hoped. January 2 Ryan continued to develop more weakness on his right side and they did the MRI right away. We got the results within a few hours and were devastated to learn that it was the tumour progression that was causing the new symptoms. The difference in the December 21 to January 2 MRI's was significant and the biggest issue is that it's moved to his brains stem.

He was discharged from the hospital and we went home to figure out how to cope with the news. Tuesday we spent most of the day at the Tom Baker Cancer Center. Ryan's doctor had tears in his eyes when he told us that there's nothing else they can do for him now. That he has fought am amazing fight against this tumour for the past 12 and a half years, but now that it's entered his brain stem things could progress quickly.

It's now Thursday morning and I can't even remember what we're doing in the next hour. Ryan has been assessed by Home Care and now is on a waitlist for a hospice. It will be up to him whether he takes the bed when one comes up, but the doctor is strongly recommending he does. He then told him that if in a week he improves and can walk out of the hospice, he can come and punch him out. Ryan of course said - you're on!

Ryan has a cane to help him around because walking is getting more difficult. Stairs are the hardest for him, but he continues on with such determination, I am stunned at his strength.

Over the last week, the news has come fast and hasn't given us the time to adjust. We have cried pounds of tears and I feel like it could probably make a river. I don't know what to hope for at this point. That Ryan's end is near and he doesn't have to suffer any more physical challenges, or that it is far and we have him here longer.

We appreciate all of your love and support - we will continue to need it!

We need a whole lot of strength please

2010-01-01T08:51:00.003-07:00

We were at the ER for most of the day yesterday because ryan developed some new issues over the past couple of days. He started his CCNU chemo on Tuesday night and we were bracing for fatigue and nausea, but not anything else. Wednesday he had a nap and when he woke up, another quadrant of his vision was gone. He now doesn't have any vision in the right upper or lower quadrants. This of course devastated us as we grasped to come up with some solution other than tumour growth.

New Year's Eve morning, he woke up and felt off. He went to get dressed and fell right over on his side. He also noticed new weakness on the right side of his body. We emailed his doctors and even though all of them were on holidays, one responded right away asking me to take him to the ER. We spent most of the day there yesterday. They did a CT scan to assess the size of the tumour and luckily it looked the same. But then after other testing, they are fairly certain Ryan had a stroke.

He was admitted last night and will be here for several days so that they can run more tests. These are to try and confirm that it was a stroke and then find the cause. The tumor board will be using these findings to see if he can continue with ccnu or not or whether any other changes are needed to the plan.

His mom arrived last night and we also have friends who came from edmonton for a couple of days so they are home with Talyn now. Thank goodness!

We are both feeling pretty weak emotionally right now. Everytime we get some challenging news it is shocking right away and then we somehow find the strength to accept it and move on. This last few weeks though, the news keeps coming and we are finding it challenging to continue to stay strong.

What would be helpful to us is continuing to think positive thoughts for Ryan and sending us positive thoughts to help give us some strength. This is the hardest time we have had to deal with yet and we just hope that things slow down and give us a chance to catch our breath.

What a difference a day makes!

2009-12-23T21:19:00.004-07:00

My acupuncturist is always bugging me to try and get my emotions out more. He doesn't want me to "stay" there, but to get some of them out, then return back to today. My worry has always been that if I let them out, they might not be able to stop. That's how I felt the last day. Tired, frustrated, weighed down and grey.

Tonight after speaking with Ryan's doctors, I was lifted out of the grey and back into the light. We have a plan now and that feels a whole lot better. They have reviewed his case and agreed that more radiation is not an option, surgery is also likely a no (but will have confirmation in the next week), but they do have one chemotherapy drug left that they are willing to try. It is called CCNU and he did take it back in 1997.

We will meet with the doctors on Tuesday, get the new chemo pills and instructions and he will start that night. It is an oral drug that will be taken once every 6 weeks. It is so toxic that it takes 6 weeks for his body to recover enough to do another round. The doctors can't predict exactly how he'll react. Some patients are a bit tired and some very tired, so we'll have to see.

After the first round, they will do another MRI and check to see whether it's working. About 25% of patients respond to this treatment and those that do see their tumour hold for up to 6 months. Ryan has always done well, so we are hopeful that he will again with this treatment. However, we are still researching a plan B in case we need it, so please pass on any ideas you have.

Yesterday life felt hopeless and one day later, there is much more hope. Ryan is ready to fight and I am not willing to give up either. Cancer continues to challenge our world, but it will have to try harder - we are not giving up that easy!

Merry Christmas to you all and your families, take in what you have and be grateful.

Another down turn on the rollercoaster

2009-12-22T19:14:00.005-07:00

Today we received the news that Ryan's tumour is on the move again. It was shocking in some ways, as we'd finally decided to let our guards down and enjoy that things were going well. Remember two blogs ago - the planning???

The area is about double what is was in October and now it's showing signs of aggression again. They insert a contrast in him that picks up any really fast growing cells and lights them up, there was a polka dotted party going on in his tumour area that we didn't like!

Now what? We have ridden the wave that is cancer all day. One minute we are trying to accept that this ride might be over, the next we are trying to "stay positive" because he's always been the exception and then back down again. The doctors are reviewing his case in rounds tomorrow and then will call us at the end of the day to let us know their recommendation.

At this point it's likely that the last option available to Ryan from them will be another chemotherapy drug. In the meantime, we are researching eastern medicine options and clinical trials. It's time to consider anything and everything. The trick is how to choose an option that lets Ryan "live" instead of spending all of his time "fighting to live" - that's Tricia's wisdom!

Today is a day to absorb, tomorrow will be a day to plan and then the next few days will be time to enjoy our family and blessings over the holidays. We do truly want to thank each and every one of you for helping us throughout the past year and getting us to this point. Please count your blessings extra well this Christmas!

The Magic of Christmas

2009-12-19T06:22:00.002-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about all of the cards that say something like “the magic of Christmas” and wondering what exactly that means. What it means to me is that feeling you get when you smell your Christmas tree, turn on your lights for the first time, wake up on Christmas morning, see the kids eyes light up while they see whether Santa has eaten the treats they left and this year some more extreme generosity.

I continue to be completely blown away by the generosity of people at Long View and this year was no exception. Around the company, many groups decided to adopt a family. It's a great program that we have locally because you choose what you can afford then you get a list of your family and the kids wishes. Your responsibility is to shop for the gifts and then get wrapping paper. This, along with a gift card to a local grocery, is delivered to the family by the organization putting it all together. This way the parents know what they're giving the kids, they wrap the gifts and they can feel proud shopping for their own christmas dinner.

However, our sales team decided to adopt "one of their own families" in their words and put together contributions for us. This still brings tears to my eyes as I write this. We aren't a needy family by any means, we live in a nice house, I drive a nice car and have some expensive taste in clothes for sure! But on top of that life we are used to, Ryan's medical expenses still climb up. On top of the Avastin there are many other treatments he does and supplements he takes to keep healthy. We aren't sure which combination is the silver bullet, so he keeps doing all of them!

The contributions that were put together from Calgary families helped us for 16 treatments of Avastin and 9 monts of other alternative treatments and supplements for Ryan - absolutely amazing! When that fund came to a close, my boss stepped forward and said that he wasn't going to let Ryan stop this drug because we couldn't pay for it and he didn't want us to have to adjust our lifestyle completely to continue to pay for it. WOW! A GREAT man just doesn't say enough.

It has been a crazy year for our family and last year we honestly thought it might be our last together, but because of the amazing help of everyone around us - it wasn’t and won’t be for a very long time.

Happy holidays to you all, I hope you all get to experience the magic of Christmas in your own ways.

Life list checks and planning for the future

2009-12-10T11:06:00.004-07:00

Christmas sneeks up on me quicker and quicker each year. This past month I took advantage of everyone's good health and decided it was time to check some things off of my life list. Tricia and I finally got the chance to go to New York together. It was my first time there ever and I was most excited to finally see where Tricia lived, ate and hung out while she lived there. I was really surprised when I was there how much I felt a part of the "big lights" in New York and not like a tourist and also how safe I felt. We had a surprising number of celebrity spottings - mostly due to the fact that Tricia had us staying at and eating at the places where they were. I was only half a day in before I was already talking about us making this an annual trip.

Next the family went out to Kananaskis for the Long View christmas celebration. Talyn wanted to live in the pool, I wanted to casually stalk the actors staying there - only a first name is needed - Lenardo and Ryan got to relax and play some poker. We don't have any family that lives here in Calgary, but Long View has done a great job of filling that gap for us.

The following weekend, my mom, Talyn and I all flew to Toronto for Breast Fest Film Festival and for the premiere of the documentary I was in. Growing up, I always wanted to be famous and perhaps act in a movie - in that dream having breast cancer wasn't a part of it, but I'll take what I can get. One big check on the Life List!

Then Ryan, Talyn and I enjoyed a week in Mexico back at the resort we went to 2 year's ago. The resort continued to impress us and Talyn made some new friends there - as did we. It was funny but most of the people we hung out with were from Canada. The kids were so close that when they'd see each other at breakfast or lunch, they'd ask if the other was going to "THE club" later? That's what they called the Kids Club!

In Mexico I had some time to relax, re-charge and think about the past few years. One of the biggest things I realized is that ever since my first diagnosis in Fall 2006, our family has stopped planning for the future. It's as if we are living like the future isn't a good one for one or both of us and so there was nothing to plan for. It was a year ago today that I got the terrible call from the hospital that Ryan had had his seizures and our lives took a really hard turn.

In just one year, Ryan is doing so much better and although he gets MRI's every 2 months, they continue to be so good, that I feel that it's time to start planning again. That starts with Ryan getting his license back on Saturday. This is a huge step of confidence for us all with his medical condition and will give our family back a lot of independence.

My life these days is less and less about cancer and I really like that. I do work with Rethink to help others going through this tough time and want to use what I learned to help them, but want my body to forget that it ever had cancer. What this hard few years has given me is the opportunity to experience some really great things. It has pushed me to make my Life List an evolving one and one that I try to work on a bit every day.

A LOT of really good stuff!

2009-10-28T10:53:00.006-06:00

We got the results of Ryan's MRI yesterday and once again, it's all good. The MRI continues to show no change since April and although some people don't understand why that's good, that's likely the best news we can have right now. It means it's under control, continues to respond to the Avastin and we're on cloud 9 for another 2 months. It was actually sweet that one of Ryan's doctors said it was the first thing she did in the morning, was check to see the MRI and ensure it was good. How lucky are we to have her?

Last week was our annual Rethink Romp. Although the last minute preparation leading up the event always worries me, it turned out to be a huge hit. We had about 250 guests there, raised around $30,000 and will now have the funds to start the Support Saturday's program we want to. Click here to learn more about this program that is already running in Toronto http://www.rethinkbreastcancer.com/support_new_moms.html.

Then on Sunday, we had our monthly Live, Laugh & Learn gathering. The topic was the Fertility Factor, which had more questions than many others have before. When women go through chemotherapy at this young age, our chances of losing our fertility are about 50%. So the concern around options before and after are huge.

Monday morning, Talyn and I went to University Elementary School to speak to about 50 Grade 1 & 2 kids. They are raising money for Breast Cancer and wanted to hear from someone who had it about what it is and how I got through. We brought some visuals to help them understand and they were really interested. Talyn also wanted to go to tell them how it was for him to have a mom with Breast Cancer. They had a lot of hard questions..."Why do you get Breast Cancer?", "Can kids get Breast Cancer?" and lots more of "Why do you get Breast Cancer?".

Monday evening we went as a family to receive our H1N1 vaccines. Both of our oncologists recommended this and it was one of the only times where it was a true blessing to have cancer. The lines were 3-4 hours, but because Ryan has immunosuppression with his chemotherapy, we were able to go right through. The hardest part about it all was to try and explain to Talyn why he had to get another needle (having the seasonal flu vaccine 2 weeks ago). He kept saying "Mommy I promise that I won't get the swine flu...please no more needles!".

Tuesday morning I woke up feeling under the weather. Who knows why this happened, but my doctors have been waiting for my body to get sick. It's actually not a good thing if you never get sick and I really hadn't since before my diagnosis. So, I guess that means my body is recovering from the trauma of treatment it's been through...or at least I have to keep telling myself that as I sit in my bed. Probably a combination of a bunch of things - having lots on the go, getting the vaccine and having been around a lot of sick people at work.

It's Wednesday now and I am trying my best to rest and drink lots of fluids as I continue to recover. I do feel better than yesterday and have kicked the slight fever I had and now am juust focusing on getting this out of my body (lemon water, warm lemon water, lemon water).

I have been touched over the last week to be a part of so many positive things. I always say that we have to do our best to turn the bad things in our life into a good thing for others. This is the positive that I have tried to take from our cancer experiences. I am a very proud mommy to be able to take Talyn along for the ride too - what an amazing difference at even 4 years old that he can help make.

2 new babies and 1 big pill to swallow

2009-10-01T20:29:00.003-06:00

Our friends and family have been blessed with 2 new baby boys over the past 2 weeks. I have a new nephew, Cole Ryan Westerman. Ryan's oldest brother Sean and my amazing sister in law Michelle had him on September 21. They have been trying for much too long for a baby and now they finally have their little miracle. One of my best friends, Jill, also had a third baby on Sunday. This time a boy to add to her family, Levi Alan Gervais. Talyn is so happy to have two new boys to play with and can't wait until they get big enough to wrestle with him.

Even though I am so happy for both families, it also makes me a bit sad. I had always wanted to have 2 kids and it seems like there are a lot of people around me having a baby right now. I am of course thrilled for all of them, but deep down I am also a bit sad. It really hits home that we are not going to be able to have another baby. Writing that down is even hard. I am thrilled to have such an amazing son right now, but can't help but feel a bit saddened that he won't get a sibling. My cancer is fueled by estrogen, which gets increased with pregnancy. But more importantly with Ryan's delicate health, we need to focus on what we have, not what we want.

My Rethink work is continuing to amaze me. We are getting ready for the Romp on October 22 and hoping to raise enough funds to start our next support program in early 2010. I have been doing a small media outreach to get more awareness around the charity in Calgary and with time, it will come.

We went to see the Dalai Lama yesterday as well. He says everything that we already know and so simply. But when he says it, it truly resonates. Why can't this world be filled with peace? Why is the century that I grew up in going to be remembered for violence? Can the next generation change this to instead be remembered for peace? I know it sounds simplistic and there are many complexities in the world, but can't we create a dialogue to try and get past this all? Killing each other just can't be the answer.

We are also pursuing some other options with Ryan's treatments. Our application to get the cancer center to fund his continuing treatment got declined again. It is very frustrating that the treatment that is working so well for him, continues to be declined for coverage because it doesn't work for a greater proportion of people. Just because Avastin isn't something that works for the majority of people, doesn't mean that Ryan shouldn't be covered for it.

Something needs to change in our health care system to allow it to be more personalized. We can't continue to make decisions for drug coverage based on whether a large number of people are responding to it. If we didn't have assistance with paying for this until this point, Ryan might not be with us. How can this be right? And so, we continue to fight the fight that so many people are facing. Hopefully the media will help us.

We all face challenges in life. This last few weeks has continued to show me that we need to enjoy the high's and try not to dwell on the low's. We can each continue to make a difference to others. As the Dalai Lama says "start with self confidance, then you can have inner peace and only then can you show compassion to others".

If you ever ask yourself "How can one person make a difference"? He sure has.

The best medicine

2009-09-14T19:45:00.005-06:00

Over the past couple of weeks I have been feeling so much better. I have tried many different things, including: reiki, body talk, seeing my therapist, talking to friends, indulging myself in things I like and doing fun things. These all helped a bit, but what really gave me the push I needed? Hearing that Ryan's MRI was the same as the last one, except it was less agressive.

The doctors are putting together a plan to start to reduce him on all of his meds and even said that it's likely that he can drive again! Although it will be a while before we get to that, even knowing the possibility was there...that the doctors were thinking that far out was amazing.

Tomorrow we go see the doctors again for another check up. The only part of the last meeting that left us a little bit uncertain was when Ryan asked how long he would continue this treatment for. In all of our previous chemo experiences, we have known it would be for 4 rounds, 6 months or 9 months. But the answer they gave us was "until the tumour progresses".

Of course, why would they change something that is working? Especially when they don't seem to have a lot of other options up their sleeves. But it was almost daunting, like they expected that would happen at some point. So we'll talk to them more about that.

On the Rethink front, there are lots of exciting things going on. Our monthly support nights - Live, Laugh & Learn, continue to be really fulfilling. I love seeing new people out and hearing how needed this is for them in Calgary. Our second annual Rethink Romp is also coming up on Thursday, October 22. We just started selling tickets on the website and it's sure to be even better than last year.

So far we have Sephora doing the "eye's" of the fall for us, Salon Refresh glamming up our hair, mini manicures, massages, a photo lounge to remember your new look with your friends, cupcakes, chocolate, tempting silent auction items, great music and we're raffling off a Vespa! The tickets are only $45 for all of this fun stuff and it includes one of our signature drinks. We sold out before the event last year, so if you're interested get your tickets now...https://secure.reachout4rethink.org/order.aspx?CCID=54&L=2&MSP=663 .

What have I learned from this latest downturn and upswing? Life would be pretty boring if I hung out in the middle all of the time. Every once in a while we all need to be reminded of the down so that we can truly appreciate the up. Here's to everyone's "ups"!

Filling the "magical" reserve

2009-08-31T14:33:00.005-06:00

I haven't been online for a while. Every post that I do, I feel a need to be positive and help someone, but I haven't felt much like that lately. So now I've decided that being honest about how I'm feeling might help someone too.

Medically, we've both been doing well. Can you believe it will be September tomorrow? We've enjoyed catching up with many friends over the summer, made a trip to Regina and my parents cottage to see family and friends and then just got back from Vancouver for work and some family visits. Yesterday we took Talyn to the Lion King. I didn't know if he would sit still or not, but he had his mouth open with amazement the whole time. The whole family loved it.

In an hour, Ryan will go in for another MRI and we will get the results tomorrow morning. If you'd asked me 2 weeks ago how I thought it might go, I probably wouldn't have given you a very positive answer. He has been experiencing some intense anxiety, which we believe has been creating some seizure like symptoms. The good news is that since he went to see our amazing therapist, he hasn't had any further problems. So, I am feeling fairly positive about tomorrow but with a mild sense of normal nervousness.

Over the past month, I have felt those familiar feelings of anxiety building up again. It's weird, I have been really good since February, but lately I wake up and often feel that sense of "grey" all around and a feeling of anxiety building up inside of me. If I have somewhere to go and something to do, then I find the feeling goes back down when I leave the house or else I feel a sense of nausea for the morning, but by the afternoon I feel good again. Anxiety and the "grey" are really scary feelings, they come out of nowhere and feel like they could spiral out of control quickly.

I have just been getting through week after week and been happy that things have seemed to go away mildly, but deep down I know the situation has not been solved. Tricia has a way of making perfect sense of everything and when I told her about this, she did it again. She said that everyone has a magical reserve of energy that is used up in times of trauma. When you have cancer, it takes so much energy to get through the physical treatment, that those reserves are used up to deal with the emotional stuff going on underneath it all. For my family, we have been operating on very low reserves for some time and with each month that passes, we need more energy to deal with the ongoing stress of our life and keeping that happy attitude while we do it.

Since my last treatments one year ago, I might have been able to build up my reserves for 6 months at a time. But now my reserves are empty again so I need to find a better way to do this. Things with Ryan might be up and down for many years, so I need to build a reserve for 40 years, not 6 months.

So the question then is how do we all build up that reserve to ensure we have enough to get us through? One thing is to make sure we are doing enough of the things we love in life, that we feel a surge of energy from. Do you know what those things are for you? Think back to 10 years or to your childhood to give you some clues. Then find a way to incorporate some of those into your life. That is the hard part. We are already doing a great job of balancing so many things, that how can we add one more? The answer is that if we don't, they will all fall eventually. So, I am working on that.

That is my life these days. In the next while, I will try Reiki, more visits to my therapist, some homeopathy's to help me "release" my emotions from time to time and anything else that might help. I hope by the next post I will be telling you of what else I've learned to help me fill my reserve to last for 40 years!

My first chapter of the new book

2009-06-23T11:19:00.006-06:00

So far so good. This new book idea of Tricia's is really working out. In all of the updates from yesterday's post, I forgot to mention that I also had my last major reconstruction surgery over the past weeks. They did end up removing that area of concern they were watching and I have been waiting to find out what it was.

When we went into the Tom Baker to get Ryan's results today, I literally ran into my Plastic Surgeon. He had just returned from a week away and I asked him about my results. He said that if I had a minute he would go to his mailbox at the hospital and check if it was there. So we stood in the hospital lobby as he opened all of his mail, trying to find my results. About halfway through the pile we found them and I was overwhelmed with warmth to hear that the whole area he removed was "negative for malignancy"! What I wasn't so happy to hear was that it was "fatty tissue" - guess I have to start exercising on top of my implants. Just kidding. He did cut very deep above and below the remaining scar tissue from my last recurrence area and so the fact that it was all negative finally reassures me that the cancer I used to have is out of my body.

We then went onto get Ryan's results and the good news kept coming. His MRI is "unchanged" since April and the area that had exploded with growth and caused all of the concern in the fall has calmed down. They do part of the MRI with contrast and that would light up any fast growing parts, but all the parts on the picture were dark. With Jo-Ann going back home tomorrow, that was the perfect news we needed to help us rest assured that things will be fine.

So please celebrate life today! It is a good one. Cheers!

The last chapter

2009-06-22T12:02:00.009-06:00

Tricia and I sat on my front porch last week toasting many things - my birthday, her new place and life. I said, let's toast to starting a brand new chapter, out with the old and in with the new. She said, let's be done with our last book, it's actually time to start a whole new book. The last book was filled with adventure, but now let's forget about that and move on to new things. I agreed. And so I thought I would write this blog about what I've been up to and what I've learned lately about life and then start the next post about my new book!

There has been lots of celebrating over the past month. Tricia and I both turned 35, but her much before me (3 weeks to be exact). For her birthday we got a great makeup artist we know to come over to my house and show us how to apply makeup. As little girls, we all figure it out somehow, but I know that I learned a lot about how I'm supposed to do it! She also looked through our stuff and told us what to chuck (tasha - coral lipstick...no).

Ryan and I went away to Banff for 2 nights while Jo-Ann spent some time with Talyn. This was the first time we've both been away from him...ever! It was really nice to rest and recharge and I did come back feeling like I got some time to appreciate my 2 runs with cancer and bidding them a fond farewell.

We had our second Live, Laugh & Learn event (support night for Rethink Breast Cancer). It is hard to explain how rewarding it truly is to watch people's lives being moved in a more positive direction because of something you helped with. It gives you an energy like no other!

Ryan and I also spent some time with Talyn's play therapist learning about parenting for someone that has gone through as much trauma as he has. Firstly, we were really surprised to hear the therapist say that if he gathered 100 therapists and they all discussed children they had worked with and what they had gone through, Talyn would be at the top of the list. This was really surprising to both of us, because it's just our normal. But it also helped us to understand why it is so important to work more closely with Talyn right now and react differently to his anger because it isn't coming from a place of the now, but rather what he has experienced almost losing both of his parents a couple of times over now. Secondly, we learned some great parenting tips. It's funny how when you decide you want kids they just let you bring them home from the hospital and assume you know how to do it. There are lots of books you can read, but having someone sit down with you and go through concepts and scenarios has been truly priceless.

I was fortunate enough to be asked to speak at Calgary's Relay for Life event on Friday night. I told my story to the survivors and caregivers that attended the event. It's the first time I have actually sat down and put it all together. I could actually see the hope in people's expressions when I got to a promising part in the story and then the extreme disappointment when we got hit with another turn in the road. At the end, the people got to their feet and I got many hugs from survivors who could relate. It was really uplifting!

Saturday night the Fields came over for dinner. This is the generous family that gave Ryan $60,000 to fund his treatment costs. Although we have been in touch with them since December over phone and email, this was the first chance we had to get together with them in person. We also got to meet all of their kids, Mitch, Kyle and Hayley and spend the night with them all. Brad and Cheryl are such amazing, down to earth people that we had to keep pinching ourselves at how easy and enjoyable it all was. I truly hope they will remain friends with us forever!

Sunday started with Talyn and I serving Ryan coffee in bed and then going out to get the Calgary Sun and seeing them both on the cover. They ran a story about Ryan being so healthy for Father's Day and how much that meant to us all. It was another reminder of what we've been through and how far we've come. Tomorrow morning we go in to get the results of Ryan's second MRI since starting the Avastin treatments. We feel very hopeful because of how well he's doing, but also a bit nervous because that's just the way it is.

I will never forget all of the valuable lessons I have learned from cancer and the ones I continue to learn from people I am speaking to and living with. They have helped me bring new perspective to life and have offered me the opportunity to help others with their struggles. But now I am looking forward to starting my new book and see what that has to hold for me!

The Lessons of Life and Death

2009-05-07T09:23:00.006-06:00

Over the past week, our family has experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I sometimes think that this rollercoaster happens at such an accelerated pace for us that we don't even notice it anymore.

If you've read Ryan's blog lately, then you know that that MRI results we received last week were much better than we could have hoped! He has some pictures on his blog as well (link to his blog is to the right of this) which show the differences. Basically we want to see no white enhancements, as that is the tumour and inflammation. If you look closely, you can see that the reduction in that white area since November is large! He will have another MRI and we will keep hoping for more and more darkness in his pictures.

Right after this appointment, I went to go for my checkup. It started off really well and then we talked about a little area that I had noticed near my recurrence site. It was a small bump, but the doctor agreed that we better check it out. On Tuesday afternoon I went to get it looked at and the ultrasound confirmed that it's a 3 mm cyst that has no malignant properties. All good - small and doesn't look like cancer. But they still would like me to go review this with my surgeon. Probably for a very good reason, they are extra careful with me now.

Friday evening, a friend and fellow breast cancer fighter lost her fight to this awful disease. Heather was someone I met because we shared the same oncologist and would run into each other often at our appointments. What I really appreciated about her was her fighting attitude against all of the odds and her passion to continue to live life and do things that people didn't think she could. About 2 months ago, she is the one that wanted me to go to a deep water workout class with her! The girl was using a walker to get around, but was still working out in DEEP water. That is determination.

Ryan also heard word that a friend he knew lost his battle with brain cancer. To find out that two such amazing young people who were such fighters lost makes us both so mad at this disease. But it also continues to reinforce for us the lessons of living life and of course makes us more committed to helping find a cure.

Friday morning started a 5 day birthday celebration for Talyn. With many visitors and different parties for school, the dayhome and then at home he was definitely glad to be turning 4. We also had some friends over that had helped us through the past several months and it was nice to have everyone together. Thank goodness we had all the grandparents there to help with the large invite list and my mom cooked up a bunch of things to keep everyone fed.

Sunday evening was the launch of our Live, Laugh & Learn event for Rethink Breast Cancer. The reason I first started volunteering with them was the void that I saw in support for young women here in Calgary. So it was absolutely amazing to see it all come together and make a difference in people's lives.

This past week has been filled with many lessons that we continue to get thrown our way to enjoy life and give back. The rollercoaster continues for us but I wouldn't change it if I could. The lows are what make us appreciate the highs at such a greater level. Keep that in mind for the challenges you run into every day, if you didn't have those would you truly appreciate all of the good you also have?

Everything is Amplified

2009-04-22T22:00:00.005-06:00

It's weird to think how different or the same your life was 3 months ago. There were times in my life where I felt like nothing changed in a year and other times when so much went on that I thought it had to be 5 years that just passed. Lately it feels eerily like we're just getting back into a routine of life from several months ago. I feel healthier and more energetic than I have in a long time and we are doing normal things like planning Talyn's 4th birthday party.

Ryan is doing really well, but everything now seems really amplified. A few weeks ago he was doing better than he had been since October, 2008. He seemed really interested in what was going on in the world, was talking about work and was very engaged with Talyn. I had my guard up to it initially, but then I let it down and really enjoyed the old Ryan returning.

The doctors have been really happy with his progress and so have put him on a reduction plan for the steroids (the drugs that help with any inflammation around the tumour). Last week he went down another step and then he started having a few symptoms. Mild headaches, extreme fatigue and feeling really groggy and heavy headed most of the day. To anyone else, these symptoms might just indicate a flu coming on, but for us every little thing is amplified. So, the guard went quickly back up and I waited to see what else might come.

Monday night he had some mild seizures and I tried to manage the possibility of them becoming more. Because Jo-Ann is in Regina right now, while this was happening I had Ryan laying on the bed and I was watching every change in him very closely and Talyn was on the other side of me. He was trying to watch TV, but every few minutes he'd turn to Ryan with a very concerned look on his face and I would try to reassure him that daddy was ok.

Nothing more did happen, but Ryan went in to see his doctor's the next morning and they re-increased his steroids back up a level. Since then his symptoms have gone away and we have tried to return back to normal again. But of course the feeling of doubt sits on both of our shoulders most of the day anyhow. Ryan has his next MRI scheduled for Tuesday and we will get the results on Thursday morning. It was actually kind of funny because I am seeing my oncologist for a check up on Thursday morning too, so we had to try and align our appointments.

Throughout all of this, another close friend of mine who has been prone to seizures had another flare up. They ran some initial tests and they all came back normal, which is great. But it made us all ponder the question....would you rather know what is wrong, even if it's serious, and have a plan to treat it, or never know and just hope that it goes away? They are continuing to look into things for her, but I do hope they give her some answers soon, as I would definitely rather know and have a plan!

One of the most exciting things going on in my life is that we are launching our first support night for Rethink Breast Cancer on Sunday, May 3. When I first signed up to work with them, my goal was to create something great for young women dealing with breast cancer in Calgary and now we've done it! It feels really great to have done something so meaningful. If you know anyone that might benefit from this program, here is a link for more details http://www.rethinkbreastcancer.com/live_laugh_learn.html.

In the world around me, I have some friends that are doing many things to support cancer research - walks & crazy long rides! I thank you all for doing what you can to end this thing once and for all, too many great people have lost their lives to cancer.

Where is my time best spent?

2009-03-23T20:21:00.004-06:00

This is a question that everyone asks all the time, but I have been asking myself it a lot lately. I have been thinking back to when the last time in my life was that I didn't feel pulled. I think it was before we had Talyn. Before that, there were two ideas of what to do in any given moment, but now it seems like there are several competing priorities all of the time.

I talk to my mommy friends about mommy guilt, but now I feel like it's amplified. Talyn has been experiencing some problems as a result of all of the trauma he has had in his life since he was one. So, he is attending play therapy and it has been really eye opening for Ryan and I. Not only are we learning how much our cancer has affected Talyn, but we're also seeing how our parenting skills have been less than perfect throughout.

Ryan's MRI showed that he is responding to the Avastin, so they will continue to look every 2 months at its progress. Although the news was really great, I still can't shake the doubt over the long term success. I guess that is what happens once you've been dealing with the ups and downs for so long. He has been able to reduce some of his medications and that has brought the old ryan back again. His only real side effects are his growing fatigue and his short term memory (which they say should get better after the full affects of radiotherapy are through).

But perspective really is everything in life isn't it? I have a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time of my original diagnosis and she has been fighting an extremely hard battle. But unfortunately her cancer was much more agressive than mine and her life has been fairly challenging lately. She needs help walking and gets dizzy quite easily, but last week told me that she was attending a deep water workout class and asked if I wanted to go!

With the world economy continuing to be so volatile, friends of mine are also losing their jobs. Some of them, the breadwinner of the family. So, although my life has its challenges and I'm sure yours does to, there's always a dose of perspective to bring us back to reality. Everyone has ups and downs, so spend your time wisely on things that make you feel strong, happy and fulfilled!

The sun will come out tomorrow!

2009-02-18T14:36:00.004-07:00

Can you guess from the title that I went to see Annie last night? Tricia's grandma treated us to a night out in Calgary, to re-live Tricia's childhood of producing and directing the play for her block. Although we thought we knew the story pretty well, it gave us both a little reminder of something we can all use...no matter what we're going through, just hang on till tomorrow.

For me the dark is my worst enemy. At night when I wake up to my thoughts or in the early morning hours before the sun comes out, it seems that my mind runs wild with 'what ifs'. At first when I wake up, for a moment I believe that life is perfect and normal and I breathe in a sigh of relief. But then I quickly remember what life is like these days and the anxiety sets in. I just need to make it through until the sun comes out and it literally feels like a much easier day. So that's what I focus on is one day at a time and the fact that I can't control what is happening right now, so I just have to do my best and hang on till tomorrow...come what may (is anyone else humming Annie right now?).

All in all though, we are in a much better place than we were even 3 weeks ago. My mom really helped us through a tough time and now Jo-Ann has moved in and we are getting her more setttled. Having someone here all of the time to help with everything is really the best relief I can get right now.

But, there are some other little angels in our life that have also helped brighten our days. The Powells bring us a delivery every week of organic dishes to help us get through the week with less cooking. It is so nice to open your fridge and see dinner just waiting for you to dish up! Some of our friends also just surprised us with a gift card to the Fairmont Hotels. Once Ryan's doctors give us the clearance to take a little trip, we plan to use this to recharge and relax. We have also been continuing to receive financial help for the Avastin treatment and get little surprises from unexpected acquaintanaces. More proof that people really are amazing.

We went for Ryan's check up yesterday and although he is experiencing his fair share of expected side effects, he continues to do really well. So well that they are slightly reducing his steroids over the next 2 weeks. This is a big relief to us all as they are creating some of the worst side effects. Ryan has his next MRI March 4 and then they will take another look at what's going on inside. From that scan, we hope they see a reduction in mass, so they can continue with the Avastin and decreasing the steroids.

So although we've seen our fair share of dark days, we have also experienced a huge upswing over the past few weeks. If you are having a dark day, just remember....the sun will come out, tomorrow...so you better hang on til tomorrow, come what may! Sorry if you now have that in your head for the rest of the day, but maybe it's a good reminder that dark days are often followed by sun.

Coming out of the valley and taking in the view from the top of the mountain

2009-02-04T16:32:00.004-07:00

You often hear that people look at life changing experiences, like having cancer, as a gift. It often takes people some time to get to that conclusion, but from those that I've talked to about it, it often goes like this. Before life just went on day by day, it had it ups (finding a parking spot right in the front of the store you wanted to go into) and its downs (a parking ticket), but overall everything was fine. But once you experience something that changes the way you live life and look at life, then those smaller things just don't really matter.

Now the ups are getting a clear CT Scan to know that your cancer hasn't spread and turned incurable and the downs are spending 12 hours laying on your bathroom floor because you don't have the energy to walk back and forth to your bed in between being sick from the last round of chemo. Once your life changes like this, the old life you used to have seems like you were living in the prairies.

Now, on days like yesterday when the doctor tells your husband that his CT scan looks the same as it did on December 12 and they have a "plan" to proceed with the chemo and avastin right away, the view from on top of the mountain is pretty sweet! Looking back on December 12, when Ryan was paralyzed on his right side, couldn't speak and would look right through you, you remember the deep valley that you were in and appreciate the beautiful view even more.

We left the cancer center in shock. Ryan started his daily chemotherapy pill last night and was in today for his first infusion of Avastin. Everything went really smoothly and he is already scheduled to go back in 2 weeks for a quick check up with the doctor and another infusion. Tomorrow I go in to see my oncologist for my 3 month check up and injection and then we get a much needed break from that place for 2 weeks.

They gave us the list of potential side effects and now we just wait and see how Ryan responds. We know the odds are still 50/50 of whether this will work, but a 50% chance for someone as strong as Ryan is pretty good. We are enjoying the beautiful weather today from on top of this mountain and breathing in some relief for now.

Coming out of the fog

2009-02-01T17:43:00.004-07:00

I can't count the number of times I've heard people say things like "you're so strong" over the past 2 and a half years of cancer crisis'. And for the most part, I have been. I haven't been putting on a front at all, I have felt like I could handle it all. But finally last week the walls came down.

We had been fortunate enough to have Ryan's mom or my mom staying with us since Ryan's seizures on December 12th and it wasn't until we were left all alone last Saturday that I felt completely overwhelmed by the pressure of it all. How was I going to be able to be a wife, mother, nurse, psychologist, full time chaffeur, medication auditor, doctor liaison, cook and EMT all at once? The answer simply was that I wasn't.

I went to go see my doctor because I saw where my mood was headed. She said that I had reactive depression and anxiety. The anxiety part was easy enough to see now that I was alone. The negative thoughts spiralled quickly (especially in the mornings) and my chest felt like it had a million butterflies fluttering around inside of it. Reactive depression was new to me though. It basically means that over the past few years, I have been hit with major stressor after major stressor. Tricia's relapse and stint in the ICU, my cancer diagnosis, Ryan's tumour starting to grow, my relapse, Tricia's transplant and now Ryan's tumour turning very aggressive. Can you believe that has all happened since the summer of 2006? My body hasn't had time to deal with the events before it is hit with another and it has finally caught up with me.

So, she prescribed some medication to help with both of those things. The good news is that this type of condition is usually resolved quite quickly, but because the stress in my life is not over yet, she wanted something to bridge me until it is. I am fairly "anti-drugs" in general, especially because I am trying to clean my body out from all of the cancer stuff it has been fed, but in this case I need to be as strong as I can be and quickly.

One week later, I am feeling much more like my old self. Tricia and Kevin really stepped up to help our family out while we were without a mom. But the best medication that I got was my mom flew in to help us out until Jo-Ann can come back. We realized quickly after she left, that we truly do need another full time person around our house to help out with everything and who better than a mom? While Jo-Ann is adjusting her life to make this temporary move to Calgary happen, my mom is here to fill the gap and help us out!

Ryan had a CT scan last Thursday to take a peek into his head and see what's happening. We will go to meet with his doctors on Tuesday to talk about that and the next steps for his treatment. We are trying to stay positive, but cancer can tend to throw a couple of curve balls your way, so we are also bracing ourselves for what is to come.

I learned an important lesson this past week. You should never be afraid to ask for help. I needed help in a bunch of ways and was hesitant to say anything. But I am so happy I went to see my doctor and dealt with things quickly and that I asked my mom to please come and help us out. I am in a much better position today because of it and it will make me much stronger for whatever next steps there are.

don't cry mommy and don't give up

2009-01-17T11:35:00.003-07:00

Those were the words that Talyn said to me yesterday morning when he found me feeling completely overwhelmed and crying. Let me back up. This past week I have felt like emotionally my fight is leaving my body. I felt tired and heavy and not like myself at all. At that same time, physically I have been having some episodes of vertigo, lightheadedness and even slurred speech. When I went to see my doctor about it, she ordered something that didn't make me feel too good...an urgent CT for my head, chest and abdomen.

Since September I have been focusing on Ryan, but also keeping in my mind that I have to take care of myself to ensure that my cancer does not return. Having just finished the big treatment stuff in August, my body hadn't had a chance to return to normal before we entered the ring to fight again.

I have been eating very well, exercising, seeing my psychologist to deal with the emotions and seeing some great eastern medicine doctors to keep my immune system increasing. But it's the stress that is the hardest thing to really control and is one of the things that I know my cancer feeds off of. So when my doctor ordered that test and urgently, I started feeling like my world was spinning out of control and I couldn't make it slow down.

Thanks to the amazing support of some very special people, they ensured that I got to the tests I needed to go to and that they were done quickly - thanks Lori, Sheri and Don! When I arrived at the diagnostics place, Rick and Lynne recognized me from Ryan's story and knew that I needed the results yesterday. So, literally 5 minutes after my CT scan was finished, I found out that it was clear! I felt like I had once again been given my life back, but this time it came with some conditions.

Firstly, always put on my own oxygen mask before anyone else's - I can't be much help to Ryan or Talyn if I am not well. Secondly, I need to slow down in some aspects of my life and so Ryan and I have discussed some ways to do this. Thirdly, I need to start seeing my psychologist weekly. Obviously the stress of this all is affecting me more than I realize. Lastly, every time I fall, great friends and complete strangers are right there to help pick me up again and get my fight back.

This morning I woke up feeling energized and ready to give Ryan's fight everything I have...in a way that's not too much for me :). We just returned from Firehall #8. The guys there had seen Ryan's story and made a very nice donation. But the best part was that they offered us all a tour of their station.

They gave Talyn his own fire helmet, let him "drive" all of their trucks, taught him how to play ping pong and even had some treats waiting for us afterwards. Needless to say, Talyn now wants to be a firefighter when he grows up and I have even more faith in the goodness of complete strangers in our world. We didn't know these guys going in, but now I feel like we have some new friends right behind us.

What a week it has been. Yesterday morning I felt like my world was out of my control and then when Talyn caught me at my lowest and told me "don't cry mommy and don't give up", it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. ENOUGH! It's time to take back control and get my fight back. Thanks so much to everyone who has helped to pick me up this week - Lori, Sheri, Don and our new friends at Firehall #8. With support like this, I won't give up.

Riding the wave

2009-01-13T10:09:00.002-07:00

This past week I feel like our family is finally starting to come down from the adrenaline rush of the hospital stay and the exciting media blitz. It is now that the emotion of the past month is starting to hit us both. How serious Ryan's seizures were, how fortunate we are that he was able to recover physically and how the possibility of Ryan's fight not being enough are coming to light.

We have really been on a wave of emotion since the news that Ryan's tumour had broken out a bit on September 11, 2008. Whenever some news hits we are upset initially as we try to deal with the latest blow, then we accept it and get back to reality and live in today. But then we are knocked off the wave again temporarily with a new piece of information.

We know that it's completely normal to feel this way and we are fortunate enough to be able to quickly get back on the wave and keep riding, but it does seem to be getting harder each time. Each new piece of information makes it easier for the negatives to creep into our minds and keep us there for a bit.

Ryan has had a few blips on the radar lately and we are trying to keep our focus on today. We continue to appreciate all of the support from friends, family and strangers as we navigate through these rough waters.

Every one of us has struggles like these in our lives and all it takes is a little bit of perspective to get us back to the today and to get back up on the wave and here's what did it for us:

http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html

Use this as your reminder of what a true struggle is really like...

Coming back down and then up again...but in a good way!

2008-12-22T14:58:00.017-07:00

We have been trying to settle back down into a routine ever since Ryan's hospital adventure, but we can't quite seem to get there. Ryan was scheduled to start back on daily radiotherapy treatments last Wednesday, but when we got there we found out that for the first time ever they could not treat patients. A virus had gotten into their servers and they sent everyone home. At least it provided Ryan with a little warm up to going back to that place and he of course made me take him by the room where they called the code on him (for those of you that know Ryan well, you can laugh now at some random memory of him showing you every place he ever lived, worked or went to school).

He has now had 5 more treatments (a total of 13 now) which gets him closer to the goal of 28 in total. We are still playing with his medications to try and get them just right. Everyone is of course concerned about this same scenario happening again, especially with the potential aggravation of the tumour once it is zapped some more, so we are watching him carefully. In fact Ryan can't really even daydream anymore, because once he stands and stares at something for more than 20 seconds, I am right by his side asking him..."are you feeling ok?".

He is on a combination of 2 types of anti-seizures medications and a steroid to try and control the inflammation. Every time he gets a little "ceiling fan" as he calls it (literally a small ceiling fan pops into his right peripheral vision for about a minute), we have to increase some of his anti-seizure medications. The doctors say this is a minor seizure and if left to its own devices, it could turn more serious. Ryan's ego of course gets in the way for a few minutes after I tell him that we have to increase his meds again, but then he quickly backs down when I remind him that we're doing it so that he doesn't have to eat hospital food for 5 days again!

So that's the "how's Ryan doing physically" news, which is really only a small part of the story these days. The day after Ryan got home, we gave the okay to an amazing group of women to release a Press Release story about us in Calgary. This group of friends had met the afternoon that Ryan was in the ER (which had been planned as their first meeting for some time) to discuss how to raise the funds Ryan needed to do the treatment of Avasting at $10K/month. When they heard the news during their meeting, it brought even more urgency to the cause. They felt that issuing this release to the press before xmas might be a way to raise a bit of money into the account they created and we did it to communicate our message of perspective on what the holidays are really about.

A few hours after the news release, Tricia (our seasoned media contact), got some calls. Over the last week we have gotten the opportunity to communicate our message on CTV, Global, through the Calgary Sun and Herald and on two radio shows (some links are on Ryan's blog). We also knew that we might have had some people generously donate some extra xmas funds to Ryan's fundraising initiatives, but had no idea about what was about to happen.

A local businessman Brad Field, a husband & father of 3, arrived at our house with his wife Sheryl and daughter Haley to give us an early gift. He said that he had seen our story in the Sun and wanted to help out. They presented us with a card and inside was a cheque. Ryan was holding it and I do need glasses for details far away and at first I thought the cheque said $6,000. I couldn't believe my eyes...a complete stranger wanted to give us enough money to pay for close to 1 treatment - how could that be? I said thank you and then I glanced down to confirm this amazing contribution and my jaw dropped open. The cheque was not for $6,000, but for $60,0000!!!! This man and his family had dropped by to provide us with the ultimate gift....payment for 6 months of treatment for Ryan and really, giving us the comfort of knowing that he can go ahead with his best shot to live!

After that happened, we spent the next day in shock. We kept looking at each other to confirm that it wasn't a dream and that the night before had actually happened. Earlier that day, I had talked to the drug company and they agreed to cover 20% of the costs of the drugs throughout. So in the matter of one day, we had received $84,000! It's hard to verbalize exactly what this meant to me, but it has really given me a sense of peace in knowing that Ryan is now able to do everything possible to fight this and the rest is really out of our hands. We had some thoughts go through our heads that this still might be Ryan's last christmas with us, but only a very small amount compared to what could have been.

So now there is much less worry that goes on in my head each day about the future and I am much better able to stay in the present. My mom is here to help and we are just ensuring that Ryan gets the rest he needs. The doctors told us that seizures are most often brought on by fatigue, so please help us in ensuring that Ryan doesn't spend too much time chatting with you on the phone and that he gets only 1 visitor a day. You know that he loves to socialize!

I hope that the holidays were good to you all and that if you did see our story anywhere, you took from it what we had hoped. Live each day to the fullest, don't worry about the past or the future, just be thankful for today! I hope the new year brings you all health and peace in knowing that this world is a beautiful place. If you ever wanted to believe in miracles, now with Brad Field's amazing contribution to Ryan's future, you can!

The Comeback Kid

2008-12-16T06:35:00.003-07:00

It is hard to describe the person Ryan was after having 3 serious seizures in a row. The best word that I can come up with is hollow. The nurse in the trauma area said that it was like the lights were on, but no one was home. How could my husband go from his big grinned self to that in a matter of two hours? But it happened.

The amazing part of it all is that yesterday morning when I went up to the hospital, I could tell right away that he was back. The smile he gave me when I walked in the door and the speed of his speech were telltale signs. The doctors will likely let him out today and we will bring him home to rest here. Then he will restart his radiotherapy treatments on Wednesday and go from there.

He will continue on the steroids to prevent future inflammation again, but it is a continued risk and one we now know much too well. To be honest, I feel much more scared now than I did when I ever heard those risks the first time.

The last few days have blurred into what seems like weeks and I can't believe that we are one week away from Christmas. Our family will be continuing to make some adjustments to life where we don't want Ryan left alone and where I will likely be driving him to his daily treatments so he never has to worry about not being able to say the words "call my wife" again.

Ryan's mom is still in town until things settle down a bit and my mom is flying in today to offer Talyn a constant through this all. I will continue to take deep breaths to keep my perspective on the today and continue to ask you all for your positive thoughts and prayers to help Ryan through the remainder of his treatments safely. He has done amazing things so far, so why can't he continue to be at the far end of the bell curve?

Ryan's Fight

2008-12-14T06:09:00.005-07:00

Ryan started radiotherapy on December 2. But the day before that, he had a mild seizure. This was the first day for us that reality started to hit us right in the face. Ryan has only ever had one grand mal seizure and that was in 1997 and before they ever found the tumour. So, although the doctors had told us about the significant progression, we were able to dismiss their news because Ryan was doing so well.

On the evening of December 1, Talyn and I were sleeping and Ryan was in the basement watching a show he likes. He describes a sensation of tingling all over his body and then knew he had to get to me. He got himself up the stairs and turned on the light to our room and by that time he had lost the ability to speak and fell to his knees to get ready for more. For the next 5 minutes his vision got fuzzy, he couldn't speak and we just waited for more. After 5 minutes he started to return to normal and we were hit with a cold dose of reality.

The doctors checked him out the next day and increased his anti-seizure medication, but seemed pretty relaxed about everything so he continued on with his treatments. He immediately felt much fatigue, but otherwise continued to feel well.

On Friday, December 12 in the morning, Ryan had a very similar mild seizure and after 5 minutes he returned to normal. So, after we knew he was okay, I drove Talyn to school and went back to my other life. Someone from Ryan's office drove him to his treatment that morning, but when he got there he felt off.

He went to go find his radiation therapists but by the time he got to them he couldn't speak. He then started to seize for 9 minutes. They called a Code 66 on him (a code the we listened to many times for others at the hospital) and the ER doctors rushed over to get to him. However by the time they got there, he had had a second seizure. They administered some meds to try and stop them and he seized a third time. I arrived to the hospital shortly after that and they took him to the ER.

There were many scary things about this. One was that there was 3 seizures in a row, but more concerning was that he wasn't able to regain all of his functions completely before another one came. He was rendered paralyzed on the right side and could not speak. They ran a CT Scan of his head and found inflammation, which can be a side effect of radiation. So they started to give him some steroids.

Throughout the last 2 days, we have watched Ryan regain most of his speech and all of his right side strength. He does continue to have some problems with language and vision, but they think that as the steroids continue to attack the inflammation, that should all return. He has spent the last 2 days in the ER while they wait for a bed and last night he was finally moved to the Neurology Unit.

I continue to be amazed at how alone I felt when this happened, but how in the background everyone worked around us to create a plan for Talyn and to make sure we were okay. So many people have helped us get through the last couple of days and I want to send a huge thank you to you all! We hope that Ryan will be let out of the hospital tomorrow and then we will chat with his Cancer docs to see if this changes the plan.

So many times before in my life I have seen mugs, magnets or books with various sayings like "live like there is no tomorrow", but I continue to find out exactly what that means. Life is a gift, continue to cherish it and those around you.

Searching for a cure...

2008-11-28T06:10:00.004-07:00

It really makes me mad that right now there are so many people around the world that are in the same situation we are. The western doctors are not as hopeful as you want them to be, every eastern doctor we meet is sure they can cure Ryan completely and we are stuck in the middle trying to figure out which way to go. It just doesn't make sense that in a time where your mind is not as clear as you need it, you are forced to act like a doctor and decide which is the best treatment to go with.

Through the past week I have transitioned nicely through the many stages of grief. The day after the news I went to a work meeting and everyone kept asking me why I was there - Denial. Then I started to feel really mad at why we should have to deal with cancer as a couple for the 6th time! I have always said that it was better it was us than a child or an elderly person, but that's because I was always totally confident we could get through it. But this time I did finally get - Mad. The next step is supposed to be Bargaining, where I will promise to whatever god or spirit you believe in to be better. I have always done this before, but this time have a hard time putting my head around any person that would give us this challenge again. On Tuesday of this week, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I couldn't get out of bed and cried very easily - Depression.

Now I am moving towards the fight - Acceptance. Reminding myself that Ryan has always been the exception and will continue to be so. The hardest part of this stage is that you have to let your mind go to the worst possible conclusion and go through how you would deal with that. Then you can bring yourself back to the today and deal with every day as it comes without going to that dark place again.

When someone gets this kind of news, the people around them don't know what to do or say. That is okay and normal. Just know that they would much rather you tell them that you're sorry they have to go through this and that you don't know what to say, then if you stay silent. They need to know that you are there to support them and help them out. Now they may not take you up on any of your offers to help, but the fact that you did makes them really know you care.

I am not saying all of this to get you to email me, but just to share with you what I experienced in terms of reactions when I was sick and what I am now seeing with Ryan. Live today like there is no tomorrow because none of us know what will happen today. Make Ryan your inspiration to tell someone you love them, forgive someone for something they've done or do something great that you keep putting off. Together we can make this a better place, but it's not going to happen if we all wait for that to happen.

Another Round in the Ring

2008-11-20T13:13:00.002-07:00

Usually when I don't write in my blog for a while, it's because everything is going so well that I don't think there's really anything interesting to note. That is the reason that you haven't seen anything from me for a while, but that is unfortunately why I am back online today.

Life in general has gone by without many bumps. Ryan did find out in September that his tumour started to grow a bit and that definitely got us worried, but we seemed to have settled into a world of him focusing on many eastern medicine remedies, taking time off of work and just living life. My health has continued to improve and that brings with it some ups and downs, but mostly I felt like we were really getting back on track.

Last Thursday I went in for my first 3 month check up at the Cancer Center and my oncologist noted that I looked perfect! I received another injection in my stomach to keep my ovaries temporarily shut down for the next 3 months and went on my way. But while I was seeing him, Ryan was down one floor getting an MRI to check on his tumour.

Of course there were 3 scenarios that Ryan and I had prepared for when we received the results on Tuesday. However, the news that we got wasn't one of them. Unfortunately his brain tumour that had started to grow a bit in September has literally exploded in growth over the past 2.5 months. For those of you that have seen Ryan recently probably are as stunned as we are. As one of his friends noted “he looks the healthiest that I’ve ever seen him!”. We were told that they would review his case at the Tumour Board (the weekly meeting with the top doctors from each different area of cancer care) and let us know what they came up with for options.

Last night the doctors called and told us the following:
· Surgery is still not an option. The risks are too great because they would be causing permanent damage to visual and speech fields and still may not get much of the area out.
· Radiotherapy (a more precise version of radiation) is still a go! He will start daily treatments as soon as they can get it planned. We are thinking in the next week or two.
· Chemotherapy is still an option post radiotherapy if Ryan wants it. This one is tricky….there are 2 drugs they want to use and 1 of them is very experimental for brain cancer. It comes with it some fairly significant unknowns and risks and some potential benefits as well, so we will entertain this option in a couple of months. The other problem is that it isn’t covered in Alberta yet because it is so experimental, so we will be working hard on many angles over the next 2 months to see what we can do to change that.

Although the situation is still really uncertain and scary, we are in a much better place today than yesterday. Not having a “plan” and “options” is never good! Today will be a day of figuring out more about the plan because Ryan was also told some other news he wasn’t so thrilled with…he can’t drive for a while! So, we will be acquainting ourselves with local transit, trying to reshuffle his appointments and getting his bike winterized – thankfully we moved to the inner city a few months back.

Life continues to throw challenges our way and we keep wondering why. The good in this scenario is that I have had 2 months to regain my strength and Ryan has had the past while to get his system ready to fight again. We now just need to further develop our plan of attack for this latest development and then get our fighting gloves on again.

The Rethink Romp!

2008-10-24T21:04:00.004-06:00

I can't believe it's been one month since I've last written in my blog. I think it's because every time I go to write in it, I hope there is more to Ryan's news to report, but there isn't.

The doctors continue to plan for him to start radiotherapy in a few weeks. He has had a simulation session and they have made his face mask for his treatments. The last step will be one final MRI. The results of this will be used for two things. One - for final treatment planning and two - for Ryan to make his final decision.

If the tumour has shown any progression since the last MRI he had in September, he will go ahead with the radiotherapy right away. However, if it shows any shrinkage, then he will continue on with all of the more natural therapies he has been doing and do another check in a couple of months. The problem will come if it shows neither. That is when Ryan has to roll the dice and decide if he should take a chance with the large risks of this treatment for hope that it stops future growth or wait and hope that it will continue to stop growing.

So, on that side of our lives, no real news to report right now, but stay tuned!

In my life, things have flown on by. Over the past week we have continued with hurried preparations for the Rethink Romp. The event finally happened last night and it definitely surpassed everyone's expectations. We sold out the event before it even started and we raised about $25,000 for Rethink Breast Cancer! This means that we can now fund some amazing and much needed education and support initiatives right here in Calgary. As well, people had so much fun that they forgot that all of the money went to a good cause. I couldn't have pulled it off without the amazing committee that I had been working with for the past many months and I can't wait to see what we can do from here.

The Results Are In...

2008-09-26T18:50:00.004-06:00

And my CT Scan was clear!!! Although I just had my CT on Wednesday afternoon, I put in a call yesterday to my amazing care team at the Tom Baker Cancer Center to see if there was any way I could get the results quickly. They all know Ryan and I well and because of the stress we are under dealing with Ryan's situation, my oncologist gave me a call back within an hour of my request!

When Dr. Webster called me back he first told me that it looked perfect. But when he said the word "perfect", of course my cell phone cut out, so I asked him to repeat it. Once he did, I had a hard time listening to anything else he said. He tried to make a joke with me by saying that my head was clear and they didn't even see a brain, but I was still trying to absorb the word perfect and didn't get it. To say that I feel a sense of relief is a HUGE understatement.

I feel like after 2 years of jail time, I finally have been let out for good behaviour. I learned my lesson about taking my life for granted and have made many changes to reinforce a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my years. I also have Ryan as a daily reminder of how quickly life can change in case I ever choose to forget.

Next week we should meet with Ryan's doctors to discuss next steps for him, but until then my family gets to breathe a sigh of relief and just enjoy life!

Taking Back Control!

2008-09-24T20:03:00.003-06:00

Getting dealt some less than pleasant cancer news feels like your life is literally being sucked out of you. When we got Ryan's news, it hit us both like an unforeseen tornado in our calming skies. For the few days after the news, we let the news hit us in various waves and told the story again and again to family and friends. Eventually, our emotions were sucked out of us and it was time to take action!

With the help of our acupuncturist, Dr. Johal, we developed a plan of attack to put the control back where it should be - with us! Over the past week we have travelled to Edmonton and Vancouver to visit some eastern medicine doctors. They all had fairly positive things to say. In general, they feel that Ryan's situation is not as bad as the doctors are telling us and that he will get through it. For me, they feel that I will also get through all of this but that my immune system is so weak after 2 years of treatments that my focus needs to be on rebuilding it, or the cancer will continue to return. We left with a nutrition and Chi Gong program to follow, along with a plan to have minimal stress in our crazy rollercoaster of a life.

We arrived back in Calgary this morning exhausted from the travel, but mentally so much stronger. This afternoon I had my CT Scan and tomorow Ryan will get a PET Scan and also get the results from the MRI he had last week. Next week will be a big week for results for us both!

It is amazing how much a terrible cancer diagnosis can play with your mind. All it takes is a doctor to say that there's not many options left or that they can't cure you to make you feel defeated. But I truly believe that the mind is a VERY powerful tool. If used properly, it can help you surpass all doctors expectations! Never forget that you ultimately hold the control over what you tell your body to do or not to do. Ryan and I are here to prove that a positive attitude will help us both surpass this cancer thing for good.

Just when we thought life was going back to normal

2008-09-06T20:01:00.005-06:00

Life had been pretty uneventful over the past weeks and I almost let myself drift into a sense of relief. Although I had ongoing anxiety over my upcoming CT scan, the real possibility that it could be clear and we could get on with normal life kept bubbling up. Talyn started at his preschool and Ryan and I were back at work and loving life.

But then our family got struck with another blow this morning. Ryan's latest MRI shows some growth from his tumour and unfortunately this has happened quite quickly over the past two months. Although Ryan's brain tumour has always behaved quite passively over the 11 years he has had it, we knew that there was a possibility that it could turn aggressive at some point. The doctors think this might be what has happened.

The next couple of weeks will be filled with more scans and tests to determine exactly how much of the area of concern is tumour and what the real growth amount has been. Throughout this time, they will be planning in the background for the next likely event of a new form of radiation. These details are all still very new to us, but it is different than the last kind of radiation he had and although there are more risks this time, they feel it could be promising for him.

He will do this for 30 days and then the likely next step will be a very aggressive and new drug for chemotherapy. The oncologist kept saying that we are in tiger territory. It took me a couple of times to understand what he meant, but he was saying that we need to be aggressive, quick and that this is new territory for everyone. Ryan's case is definitely unique. For someone his age to have been dealing with a brain tumour for 11 years and to continue to function so well with all the treatment he has had, is truly an exception.

This is all really new news to digest and we are all trying to get our heads around the latest names of new drugs we've never heard before, new scans and what they will tell us and all the while trying to keep our heads up for Talyn and the new fight we are about to embark on. But don't worry, we are both very strong fighters and come tomorrow morning when we wake up, we will be ready to enter the boxing ring again and this time for the fight of our lives! Get ready to be defeated once and for all cancer...

A Sense of Gratefulness

2008-08-22T21:13:00.004-06:00

The only moments that I can recall in my life feeling a real sense of gratefulness have been after a big event - a wedding, a new baby, a car crash and getting through cancer ... again. These moments forced me to quickly reflect on what I have and how grateful I am.

Yesterday when I went into see Dr. Webster for a check up, I found out that I don't need to return to see him again for 3 months. Having completed the radiation, I am moving onto the "maintenance" side of things. Although I will still have the hormone treatments for the next year or two, it will definitely be more on the side lines of my life.

Getting through everything the first time was amazing too, but I didn't really get to finish before my cancer recurred. So in some ways this time is different. I feel like the first time was hard to get through, but this time was truly the ironman. Many people think that cancer is a physical game and it is. But the really tricky part is the mental game you're in. It's all about keeping up your strength to get through the fight while keeping your spirit in tact.

So, that may help you better understand why I really need to know if I'm out of the game or not. To this end, I convinced Dr. Webster to run another CT Scan on my chest and abdomen to ensure there are no new spots there. When my cancer recurred in January, there was a great risk that it was no longer confined to the breast area. We ran a CT Scan there and were elated to find out that it wasn't showing up anywhere else. I need to know for certain once again that I am clear and then, I can get out of the game mentally and get onto living my life again.

But all in all, I am feeling more mentally clear and physically stronger than I have in several months. I started back at work part time this past week and it was great to feel like I am truly in the right job there. Ryan and I also celebrated our 5 year anniversary and reminisced on how quickly time has gone and how much we have been through together so far. Talyn started at a new dayhome in preparation to start pre-school in September. All of these things feel distantly familiar to me. They remind me of a pre-cancer time when all there was to worry about was day to day things.

And so I left the Tom Baker Center yesterday, feeling a deep sense of warmth in my belly, which can only be a true sense of gratefulness for life. We are all so lucky to have what we do and I realize that more than ever after getting through this battle a second time. Although I won't get the true "all clear" for a couple of months after my CT Scan, I feel a large victory has been won already.

What is the new normal?

2008-08-01T07:46:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I said goodbye to radiation and Unit #1. I told them that I hope to see them again, just not for treatment. They said that even though my treatment is done, to continue to rest and take care of the treated area because my symptoms should peak in about a week. What that means is that my cottage vacation includes no swimming or sitting out in the sun. Oh well, at least I'm done!

The second injection to shut down my ovaries last week went much better than the first. I have had no major reactions to it, only a big increase in hot flashes. Last night I woke up about 10 times because of it, so I will talk to my oncologist about anything to help that out. The changes that I can pinpoint from my first injection include some time off of work to rest my body and starting acupunture again. Although resting is a hard prescription for me to follow, I have seen the results of it directly in the past couple of weeks.

This afternoon I complete my 18th and last treatment of Herceptin. My body has had mixed reactions to this drug, so I am still a bit nervous about it, but will be very greatful to be done with this one (as will my veins). The pre-drugs they give me for this make me very drowsy for the better part of 24 hours afterwards, so I plan to pack up this morning and then just sleep any effects off.

It will take me a while to adjust my mindset to a maintenance mode for my cancer treatment. The good side of this is much more time for my body to heal, less visits to the cancer center and therefore more time for everything else in my life. The bad side of this might be that the anxiety of another recurrence will hit me harder than ever.

It is fairly normal for cancer survivors to be hit fairly hard mentally once they're out of the major treatments. While they are going through treatments, their mind is focused on survival and the next appointment, but afterwards it can all come crashing down. My knowing this in advance will definitely help me deal with it if it happens.

Tomorrow we leave for our vacation at my parents place and then we return to figure out what our new normal life will look like. I look at it like an exciting new opportunity to focus on the things in life that matter to me - my family, my job and my volunteer work, which all give me the opportunity to positively touch people's lives.

Use this chance to live through my learning and for the next few weeks take some time to figure out what is important to you and whether you are spending enough time on it. The fall is a great time for a fresh start!

Getting back on track

2008-07-24T20:12:00.002-06:00

I am now 75% done radiation (5 more treatments to go) and so far it's been going really good. I have no new fatigue as a result of the radiation and in fact I feel more energetic and like myself than I have in over a month. The only real symptom that I am experiencing is some skin redness. Apparently my symptoms will continue compounding and should peak about 10 days after I'm all done. But so far my experience with radiation has been much more tolerable than anything else!

Today I had a visit with my oncologist where we reviewed everything again. In general, things are really turning around. My heart functioning is staying strong even through all of these drugs and my body is getting stronger. I had another injection of zolodex today (the one that temporarily shuts down my ovaries). These will continue monthly until it actually does what it is supposed to. Because of my crazy reaction the last time, I was a bit nervous about introducing it again to my body - but so far I am feeling fine.

I have been getting more involved with my Rethink efforts and things for our October event in Calgary are really shaping up! As well we have started to discuss our first education event, which is really where the value of our hard work pays off. Because of my connection to them, I have been talking to a certain national magazine that will remain nameless for now. It is likely that I will be profiled in their October issue. I have already been interviewed and will be photographed next week, but until it's actualy in print, I won't believe it's real.

In general, I am really starting to look forward to less visits to the Cancer Center and a more predictable life. I have the feeling that things are really starting to get back on track! Next week I will be finishing radiation & herceptin and saying goodbye to the "big" stuff. For someone who thought I was saying goodbye to them once before, I am a bit superstitious to get too ahead of myself, but I certainly am feeling a sense of change in the air!

6 pokes and Ina is in!

2008-07-12T11:41:00.004-06:00

I have now completed 7 radiation treatments and have 13 left to go. After my treatment on Wednesday, I will officially be 50% done. I am still feeling fairly tired, but overall I feel a bit stronger each day. They say that the fatigue as a result of the radiation should kick in by the end of this week. I am also lathering on the Glaxal (greasiest cream ever) onto the radiated area 4 times a day. This is my best chance at avoiding some major skin concerns. All in all, so far so good on the radiation front.

Yesterday I went in for my second last herceptin treatment. Considering the fiasco that happened 3 weeks ago, I was really nervous. The difference this time was that they were going to give me all of the drugs they pushed through after my body went crazy, at the very beginning. This way, they were hoping to pro-actively stop another reaction from occurring.

But apparently I was nervous for the wrong reason. The real problems started when they couldn't find a vein to start an IV. Typically the rule is that each nurse gets to try 2 times and then they get someone else. They will only try 6 times and then you're done being a human pin cushion. After 4 unsuccessful tries, they called in Ina. She is the nurse that can always find a vein when others can't. Although her first try (#5 in total) was unsuccessful, #6 finally proved successful! They actually found veins 3 of the 6 times, but when they started the IV, the veins blew. So, my arms will surely be nice and bruised up in a day or two.

Once they started pushing through the pre-medications, I fell asleep. They also took longer to push in the Herceptin and that seemed to work. I slept for the 2 hours that they ran meds through my body, only waking up briefly to feel that familiar sensation of light headedness and not really being there, but then I would fall back asleep and the reaction would go away. When I got home I slept for the rest of the day.

Yesterday evening we went to a BBQ at a friends house. There were 5 boys, so you can imagine the fun they all had. I was only half awake, but we still had a great time and it was nice to be in a normal setting for a few hours.

The next week holds lots of exciting things. My 50% mark of completion for radiation, we are picking up the new car we purchased which will make our road trip to Regina much quicker, some friends from Edmonton are coming for a visit and I hope to go into a work planning session. It really helps to focus on all of the great things going on in life to take our attention away from everything else. Everyone goes through hard things, so just keep focusing on the good to get you through.

Tattoo's, Hot Flashes & Resilience

2008-07-05T06:58:00.010-06:00

I really need to start blogging more often because each time I sit down to do it, I can't believe how much has happened! We attended Talyn's orientation at his new preschool and he was one of 3 kids getting a 10 minute tour of the classroom. He found it extremely difficult to hear about all of these great things and not play with them, so we had to redirect him back to making a good impression on his new teacher a couple of times. At the end of the tour she said that Talyn seems very outgoing. Which must be the new polite way of saying "I will have to watch him closely!".

Last Wednesday I attended my radiation simulation appointment. It was a room exactly like the real one I will be using, but the green beams it projects aren't radiation. They got me to lie in a bunch of different positions and took pictures once they got the angles right so they could mimic it the following week. When we were all done, they said "ok, we just need to bring in the tattoo lady and then we'll be done". I naively asked what she was needed for and I got the response "oh, didn't anyone tell you about the tattoo's?". So, 15 minutes later, I now feel much edgier than the old Tasha with 4 blue freckle like permanent tattoo's that they use as markers for my positioning.

I met with Dr. Webster on Thursday to review the latest episodes I had experienced and again review why this might be happening. His theories, which usually prove to be right, are that these are either because my second type of chemotherapy is again trying to put me into menopause and the drastic change in hormones is hard on me or that my body is just really tired.

After radiation, I am going to be taking a daily drug to stop the hormone production in my body so that my specific cancer that likes hormones, won't latch onto them. Because the drug they normally give pre-menopausal women didn't work on me the first time, they are now trying their second weapon which requires that I am post-menopausal. To do this, they inject me every few months with a needle in my stomach of Lupron. It acts to temporarily shut down my ovaries - science is definitely advanced in some areas!

The goal is that I go without a period for 4-6 weeks following this injection and then we start the drug. I of course asked what happened if I still got my period. Dr. Webster said that this is unlikely and we would cross that bridge if we came to it.

Later that night, the lupron injection created a reaction of its own that included hot flashes, dizziness and an internal infection. I started on antibiotics later that evening and started to feel better within a couple of days. But my Canada Day was mainly spent in bed and I have been off of work this week, letting my body recover from the latest of its reactions. With my body continually sending me signals that it needs a break, I was very anxious to start radiation!

On July 3rd, Ryan took my to my first radiation appointment. I was quiet and Ryan kept asking me what was wrong, but I was concentrating on "staying calm" and not thinking about what adding another component to my weak body was going to do to me. The appointment went way better than expected! It was very quick and the ladies on my unit - Unit #1, are really sweet. They cranked the music when they left the room to help keep me calm.

I am now 2 down, 18 to go and it has been going well. My body has actually been feeling a bit stronger for the past couple of days and I couldn't figure out how that could be. Until last night when my ovaries decided that they really wanted to be the exception and cross that bridge that Dr. Webster said was unlikely. My body was clearly not going into menopause and that's why all of the symptoms had ended. In one way, that part was a nice break, but why do I always have to be the exception? So, next week I will call into Dr. Webster and find out what's on the other side of the bridge.

The energy from the past few days is exactly what I needed to feel some mental strength to push through the remaining 18 treatments. Although my body is fighting everything that is foreign to it right now, maybe that means that is is more resilient after 2 years of treatment. If the cancer does decide to strike back again, this time my body will know exactly what to do! Fight, Fight, Fight!!!

how much resting can one girl take?

2008-06-24T13:22:00.004-06:00

I forgot to let you all know that my ultrasound was all clear. They actually couldn't find the lump the doctor had felt, so they said not to worry about it. Easy to say...maybe not so much so to do!

In the past few months, my mind has been filled with much anxiety over my cancer spreading. Why is it so easy for us to focus on the worst case scenario and not on living each day? Every new pain or feeling I have makes me automatically drift to the idea of my cancer growing in another area of my body. Dr. Webster continues to assure me that we are hopeful that we have killed all of the cancer now, but without the tests to prove it, I am having a hard time believing in hope these days.

So, I enlisted the help of a professional! I have been seeing a wonderful counsellor at the Cancer Center and she has helped me talk through this all. Although I'm not yet where I want to be, most days I can keep my mind focused on the now and not the worst case.

What is helping me stay up is Tricia. You have all heard me talk on and on about what a walking miracle she is, but seriously! Her journey through her third transplant has definitely had a few bumps and she's not completely out of the woods yet, but overall she is continuing to be an amazing inspiration of hope!

In my spare time, I have been enjoying being a celebrity. Investors Group chose Ryan to be one of 8 people across the country that they are doing a spotlight on. They flew a crew out to Calgary to spend the day with us last week and they literally followed us both around the city. It was crazy to be out in public and have a camera crew right there, I felt like I was in a reality TV show. Ryan's business continues to do very well and considering we both are fighting cancer right now, it's truly outstanding. The next day I had a brief phone interview with a freelance writer out of Toronto who is doing a story on the benefits of writing during illness. Although this was all very tiring, my hope is that it helps one person deal with something a little bit better and it will be worthwhile.

My radiation is officially starting next week and I am meeting with Dr. Webster later this week to go through our plan again. Unfortunately I suffered another "episode" last week, but this time it was while I was getting IV treatment at the cancer center. The fact that I was already in the place where I needed to be made the situation a lot better, but it still reinforces the fact that my body is struggling. It was again a terrifying experience where I wasn't sure if my body was going to recover or not, but after pushing through a bunch of IV drugs to counteract my reaction, my body started to calm down. I have now done up an excel sheet filled with each of my 7 episodes, the details of what happened and what drugs I was taking at the time. I will review this with Dr. Webster on thursday and hopefully come to a better understanding of why this keeps happening.

On the family side, life is mostly good. We are attending an orientation for Talyn's new preschool that he starts in the fall. He is pretty proud of going to school! We have also been lucky enough to have some family come to help us out lately. Talyn's Uncle Chad & Baba (Ryan's mom). So, Talyn has had the opportunity to try his "kung fu panda" moves on someone other than his mom and dad.

One question that the interviewer asked Ryan and I that caught us both off guard was "how do you do it all?". It was funny because it left us both speechless. You would think we would have a great answer, but really all I could say was "day by day". No one knows what tomorrow will bring and we all have enough going on today, so we just deal with what we have to today. I am still learning this with the help of my counsellor, but I think it's an important lesson for us all.

home for a rest

2008-06-10T10:50:00.003-06:00

When I was much younger and more energetic, the song home for a rest meant a chance to go and jump around on the dance floor of a bar. Today it means that my body has had it after 2 years of treatments and I am literally at home for a rest. After my exciting Banff hospital visit, I rested up and enjoyed an amazing showing of Sex & the City with Tricia and her mom. For those of you wondering, we viewed it at Eau Claire and it wasn't that busy.

Monday was another day of rest and then my oncologist said that I could restart my chemo drugs that night as long as I felt up to it. My competitive nature of course told me that I was up to it and I started again that night. After just two doses, the next morning I experienced another "episode" but this time I was at work. The people there were great, but I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.

No matter what is going on, there is just something comforting about being with your family and near home and I didn't have either of these then. The same type of symptoms cropped up and Ryan quickly arrived to take me to the cancer center to chek it all out. When we arrived, we found out that my oncologist and nurse were offsite for the day and instead they told us to go directly to emergency. For you Calgarians you know that means a minimum of an 8 hour wait with really sick people and that was not something this girl was going to do. So, I asked Ryan to take me home and I spent the day in bed.

The next days continued with new side effects as my body continued to tell me that it was struggling. I went to see my oncologist on Friday and he agreed that my body needed a rest and we were officially ending my chemotherapy. The plan had initially been to get me through at least 4 rounds and hopefullly 6. I got through 5 and again my competitive nature wasn't loving that, but I wasn't willing to risk more of these "episodes" so I gave in.

I have been spending the past week at home and will do the same this week. They have moved up my radiation to begin on July 3rd and then I will go daily until August 1st. I then plan to really go home for a rest...to my parents cottage for a couple of weeks (aka 24/7 babysitting service)!

Sitting still and resting is really not my thing. And the feeling that I'm letting people down because of it comes as a close second. I have struggled with this my whole life and this cancer thing really tests me! I know it will be a good lesson to learn and I will continue to practice.

Tricia has been responding well to the treatments she has had so far. So much so that she has continued to update her blog daily. So go ahead and visit it for the full update if you wish http://www.triciaantonini.blogspot.com/. I have had the chance to visit her a couple of times and will be going up again shortly. Although I am still bracing myself for whatever might come, so far we have all been pleasantly surprised.

What I continue to learn is that no matter how well you plan, life can continue to surprise you. Sometimes the things you learn aren't positive at first, but it's all in what you take out of them.

a few more blips on the radar

2008-06-01T15:16:00.006-06:00

My health has taken a bit of a beating in the last week. I went to see the doctors for my pre-round 6 appointment and I had a much longer list of "issues" from the past 3 weeks than ever before. They did a very thorough check of my body to try and figure out what might be going on and felt a new lump under my left armpit. This one feels very different than the other ones I've had and it is sitting right on top of a muscle. It actually might just be the muscle that is a bit inflamed or it might be a growth on top of the muscle. Even if it is a growth, it might not be a worrisome one, but still worth checking out.

I will go for an ultrasound this week and then if they feel it looks suspicious, they will biopsy it on the spot. Because this one feels different than the others, I feel much more positive about its outcome. But because of my bad luck with biopsies, I can't help but consider the alternate possibility.

What I was really looking forward to was my birthday weekend extravaganza with Tricia! We have always had our birthday's 3 weeks apart and in the past few years have tried to combine these events into something fun that we both do together. It usually involves a road trip and some random events that we don't plan for.

This weekend, we went up to Banff to spend the day touring around, the night watching the Sex & the City movie at a smaller (less germ infested) theatre and then the night at a fancy hotel. It was to be a super fun weekend for us both and allow us to get away from the upcoming events.

Everything started off fantastic. We met at the Farmer's Market for some amazing coffee and pastries and then bid adieu to Ryan & Talyn and started our road trip. We immediately put in some great tunes that my friend Mireille had made for me and started singing. On our way out of town, there was a car that was slowing down beside us. When I looked over it was 2 younger guys. They smiled at us and we smiled back. A few lights later, they came up beside us again and I could tell from my peripheral vision that they were holding up a sign. I told Tricia and asked her to glance over. They were holding up a sign at us that said "U R A 10". We burst out laughing and knew that the weekend was on the right foot for our usual road trips.

When we were close to arriving in Banff, I felt a flush of warmth over my body and knew that something wasn't right. I tried to pretend I was okay, but Tricia could tell that I wasn't. When we arrived in Banff things got worse quite quickly. So much so that I started to have that sensation again that my head was spinning out of control and I wasn't really there.

We decided to try and check into our hotel early and maybe if I laid down for a bit I would be better. But things kept getting worse and I was starting to get worried. Tricia strongly recommended that I call into the on-call oncologist and tell them what was going on. When I called in, luckily it was Dr. Webster that was on call. While I waited even a couple of more minutes for his call, things were continuing to go downhill.

We happened to be driving right by the Banff hospital and Tricia recommended we go in, I reluctantly agreed. The good thing about being in Banff was that there wasn't the long wait I would have experienced in Calgary. They took me right in and started to run some tests. Dr. Webster also called as they brought me in. He gave me his "best guess" of what was going on, but asked that they call him directly if they needed to.

Most of my blood counts came back normal, but there were some variances from the counts I got 2 days earlier. My red blood cells were lower than normal, as was my potassium. The good news is that my white counts were still strong, so no sign of infection. They filled me with a bunch of fluids and potassium and a few hours later, I was released. The sadest news of this of course was that we had to turn around and drive back to Calgary just a few hours after we had arrived.

I was planning to take Tricia for a great getaway to get her mind off of things and do the one thing she really wanted to before her hospital stay - see the Sex & the City movie. The concern was doing it in an area without a lot of potential germs and instead I take her to the hospital! For those of you concerned about this, I did make her stay outside most of the time and we just messengered each other "U R A 10" to keep our spirits up.

I am obviously on a break from my round 6 right now and will talk to Dr. Webster in the next few days about what could be going on. Until then I am resting a lot and keeping myself on a strict diet, in case it was some food that might have set this off. As well, Tricia's mom, Marie and I are taking Tricia to the movie in Calgary tonight. We tried to pick a theatre that would be more empty, so I can't tell you which one right now.

Tomorrow Tricia starts her journey of Transplant #3. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared to death, but I also know that she is mentally stronger than I have ever seen her. If anyone can make history and give the cancer community something to cheer about, it's definitely her!

Some Challenging Doses of Reality

2008-05-26T18:03:00.009-06:00

It's been a really hard couple of weeks. The sadest thing that happened was that I lost my first cancer friend. His name was Julian and we worked together. We both got diagnosed around the same time in Fall of 2006. He unfortunately had lung cancer, so right off the top his prognosis wasn't that good. We talked every few weeks and compared treatment and side effect notes. He was mostly sunny, but definitely had a harder time than me so I tried to pick him up a bit whenever I could.

In the last couple of months though he let me know that his cancer had spread to his liver and pancreas. I knew right away that wasn't a good sign, but he stayed really positive. He even had a line on some experimental drug from Europe that he was going to get for us to help reduce our tumours.

The last time I talked to him, he was going to start another round of radiation. The doctors felt there might be a chance this could help and he was still a fighter. I begged him to let myself and someone else that we worked with take him out for lunch. But he said that his appetite wasn't much these days. He said that once he was done this round of radiation we could come and take him for a coffee and I was really looking forward to that.

Shortly after I knew his radiation would be done, I called and left him a message. This was usually how it worked with us and then he would call me a couple of days later when he was feeling up to it. But this time he didn't call back. I tried again a couple of weeks later and still nothing. It was about 2 weeks after that that we got the call from his wife telling us that he had died.

This news was more devastating to me than I could have predicted. I have known many sick people, but this was the first person that I considered a friend that had lost his battle to cancer. It of course brought up a lot of questions for me that I had been keeping pushed deep down. Could my cancer actually kill me one day like him? Was a positive attitude going to make a difference with me if it hadn't with him? If my cancer does spread, the likely place is my lungs and I now know first hand how that might end up. What about the other cancer survivors that I hold near and dear to me?

With some time passing, it is getting easier to deal with. However it does keep the reality of what I am truly dealing with close at hand.

The other big challenge that is going on in my life is Tricia's situation. Today she had her central line inserted. I'm sure she will update the details of it all on her blog, but with everything that seems to happen to her, it wasn't easy.

I also spent some time this weekend with Tricia and her parents. She gave us the "orientation" to her upcoming protocol and what to expect over the next few months. It was another hard dose of reality about someone that I care about. She will be admitted on June 3rd and then I can only hope that everyone prays to whomever or whatever they believe in that she will come out a champion again.

My health has also started wavering a bit. Although I have been handling my chemo well so far, Round 5 really kicked my ass! I felt the familiar sense of extreme fatigue from my previous chemo cycles and that was another dose of reality.

Today I also started having some chest pains and heaviness which is new. Anything "new" is always a concern. I will see Dr. Webster on Thursday and find out what he says about all of this. My plan is to still get through one more round of chemo and then have a 4 week break to recover briefly before 4 weeks of radiation. So hopefully Dr. Webster agrees!

These past weeks did have a sunny side though. We spent Tricia's birthday with her and her family for a nice dinner - celebrating 34 years of life! I continue to be blessed to have her in my life and this past couple of weeks has given me another reminder of how precious our lives are. Hopefully the next few weeks will be sunnier.

Shiny Happy People!

2008-05-13T17:07:00.004-06:00

Nothing is ever dull in my world. In fact, I can't ever remember a feeling of being bored. The best news in my world has been that my bubbling up scar tissue has turned out to be only scar tissue - phew! As my boss at work said to me "you'll probably deal with a lot of these types of things in your future, but the important thing to note is that they got to it quickly!".

Breast Cancer may seem simple, but it's actually really complex with all of the attributes that it can have. Mine was lucky enough to have all of the ones they look for. It is accelerated by Estrogen & Progesterone in my body, giving me a positive ER/PR rating. As well, it has a strong positive HER-2 rating which means that my cancer is more agressive and has a greater likelihood of coming back...been there, done that!

What was interesting is that my recurrence came back being positive for ER/PR, but negative for HER-2. Initially, this was good news because it meant that my cancer might have been less agressive, but it also meant that it could have been a brand new cancer that grew. However, upon a second pathology review, I just found out that it was in fact HER-2 positive. They typically administer 1 year of Herceptin (via IV every 3 weeks) to fight HER-2, but when my cancer came back we stopped it short of 1 year by 4 treatments, assuming that it wasn't working. My HER-2 rating the second time was much less, so it looks like my cancer was responding to Herceptin. So, I started this up again to finish my last 4 treatments.

I also just got back my report from Best Doctors. A doctor out of an Illinois Cancer Center reviewed my case and commented on my treatment. He said that he mostly agreed with exactly what I'm doing with a couple of small suggestions. Dr. Webster and I will review them and see if we want to make any treatment modifications. This was really great to affirm. To know that I am being offered the best care for my case, regardless of our sometimes slow to react health care system.

On a personal note, Talyn had his big 3rd birthday and it was a huge hit. "Cars" the movie was the theme and that seems to still be his obsession a few weeks later. He sleeps with his favorite "Cars" characters and even had to wear his "Cars" PJ top to daycare today. When I went to pick him up and was greeted by 4 of his friends, all wearing "Cars" t-shirts, I understood. How quickly he is growing up!

We also moved into our new home last week. I am a person that needs complete order to feel moved in, but it is amazing how much we have been able to do in that short time. My mom flew in to help us out and she was an old pro, after moving my brother into his place the week before. It was perfect timing with Mothers Day to ensure she knew that we couldn't have gotten through our challenges over the past couple of years nearly as well without her support!

Unexpected niceties still continue to amaze me. Some of my friends have written me the sweetest cards lately to let me know how much I support them, which is crazy to me because they are all the true heroes in this story. I also got a sweet card from an old co-worker who lives in my area. He and his family wanted to welcome me, provide me their number for anything we needed and a gift card to a local restaurant they love. It is so comforting to know that in a world full of so much war and horrible natural disasters, that there are still such amazingly shiny people with the bright spirits that keep us uplifted. Take some time to thank all of those shiny people in your life and make sure they know how much they mean to you!

Just Breathe

2008-04-27T17:05:00.002-06:00

The last week has been a fury of positive momentum. Firstly, Ryan's tumour appears to be a bit smaller from his last MRI. This means that his tumour is responding as well as we could have hoped to the chemo! We now hope that the drugs continue to beat down the troublesome growth area and then it just gives up for good.

Secondly, Tricia's transplant got the official go ahead from Ottawa. Although the official date has slid back a bit to June 12th, all in all, this is amazing news. However, this also of course makes us all very anxious of the reality ahead. What I have recently reflected on is how she has made it through all life has thrown at her so far. The only reason I can come up with is her mental strength . This somehow got her through what many thought no one could and I know will get her through her challenges ahead as well. She just needs to be reminded of that from time to time.

And thirdly, our house was conditionally sold. The buyers are from outside of Canada and so require a pretty quick possession. We should hear by the middle of this week if the sale is finalized and then will plan to move the following week. Even though this seems undoable...it's us. This is nothing. Also, this will move us towards something we've been thinking about for a while, so we're very excited.

On my medical front, Best Doctors has all of my information and is currently going through the formal review. They actually have gotten all of the specimens previously removed in surgeries and are redoing the pathology to confirm the diagnosis first. I am interested to hear what they have to say in the next few weeks.

In other news, my scar from my last surgery has bubbled up a bit in one section. Although this is likely nothing, everyone on my team is very quick to find that out. So, I will go to an ultrasound tomorrow and get the results this Wednesday. If there is anything that looks suspicious they will just cut it out.

In one week, my baby is turning 3. It is a gathering of many important people in his life and will be a great opportunity to remind us what is truly important in this crazy life. Family, friends and having fun!

When everything seemed to be spinning much too quickly in my life right before I was first diagnosed, I would listed to an Anna Nalick song I heard once on Grey's Anatomy, "Breathe". I'm not sure what the song exactly means, but to me it means to just slow down and literally take a deep breath. I recently have been reminded of how well this works when your world is going too quickly. Just take a few deep breaths and gain some perspective. However you've gotten to today should be enough to prove that you can get to tomorrow.

Getting OUT There

2008-04-08T20:30:00.011-06:00

Life has continued to keep me really busy lately and I definitely know now that this is all intentional on my part. The more I thought about why this is, the more it came back to being a great escape from my cancer filled life and for the craving I have for feeling normal again.

I did experience one more scary episode, but the difference this time was that I knew it was coming on. After eating a few bites of lunch two weeks ago, I started feeling nautious and then my head started to spin again. I put my head down on my desk for a few minutes and then felt okay. But a few minutes later I felt as if I might pass out. So, I called Ryan quickly and told him that we needed to get home right away. Once I was home I started vomiting and got whatever was in my stomach out. After resting for a few hours, I started to feel more like myself again.

That week I went to visit Dr. Webster and I have somewhat stumped him here. He did ask me to avoid peanuts for the remainder of my chemo as there is a chance that I have experienced a side effect that causes a hypersensitivity to them now. But, he also told me to do the same thing I did before if this happened again. Call 911 and get to the hospital. He will be doing some reading to see if anything else pops up that could explain my symptoms.

One other thing that we discussed again is our differing opinions on my ongoing monitoring program. He still believes that it is standard protocol to not run any kinds of tests to see if the cancer has spread anywhere in my body. We should instead wait and if I happen to experience any symptoms that might point to this, then we would test. If it had spread there would be nothing that we could do differently no matter when we caught it, there wouldn't be a cure. This is where I refuse to buy into "standard protocol".

What I have done is sent my case to a group called "Best Doctors" that my employer has. They employ one of the best doctors in North America that deals with Breast Cancer to review my case, confirm my diagnosis, agree/disagree with my treatment protocol and then provide a recommendation of a monitoring program. Although I feel that Dr. Webster has my best interests at heart, I refuse to believe that I should just wait and see. So, this will hopefully support my opinion to do more and guide me on how to do this.

In my continued efforts to stay busy and not focus on the negative, I have been going to a lot of different events. I joined a mentoring program with the Women's Executive Network to try and rebuild my network of contacts in Calgary, I was the moderator for a panel of senior women executives at a learning session and I also joined an HR network of professionals here in Calgary. At the same time, my Rethink involvement is starting to take shape. We are planning a September Calgary event which will be amazing, trendy and fun. I will be sending you all details to come out and have a great time, while supporting a great cause!

All in all, the reality that I've come to is that I now need a bit of help in talking through everything that I'm dealing with. I am going to go see a counsellor for the first time since being diagnosed this week and get some guidance on how to do it all. This recent approach of "wait and see" combined with Tricia's impending transplant leaves me with a lot of anxiety about the future when I'm not consumed in everything else. I am mostly living in a world of positivity and exhuberance for life, but I just need a bit of help for when the negativity tries to creep in and ruin it all. Everybody needs a helping hand every once in a while, don't let anything stand in the way of a better you.

Life In The Fast Lane

2008-03-18T20:37:00.004-06:00

When I was little, my dad would always sing this song and quote it when we were busy as a family "life in the fast lane". I think I have been living in the fast lane lately. Following your life list is great, but I have to remember it's a "life" list, not a "week" list.

My new role with Rethink has been starting off a little bumpier than I had hoped. I don't know how I was assuming that it would be easy to get 8 women all on the same page within an hour, but I did. I have now learned that this is not possible. Our hope is to get a June event off the ground to raise awareness of what Rethink is in Calgary and get some real momentum happening within the committee. But since it's already mid-March, that leaves a lot of pressure on my shoulders to make it happen. We have another call this week and I'm hopeful that I can get everyone on the same page and working towards the same goal.

The house that we are living in now went on the market last week. Since then we've only had 2 showings and an open house. That's probably a lot, but I was really hoping that the first person that saw our house would love it as much as we do and make an offer that day. Again, another dose of reality for me to learn. Until that does happen, we are struggling to keep our house "show home ready" with a 2 year old.

Those of you that follow my blog would have heard me talk about the balance before. For some reason unknown to me, there seems to be a balance that exists between the health conditions of Ryan, Tricia and me. When one of us gets great news, another gets bad news. This balance unfortunately hit us again last week.

On Wednesday morning, I got a bright and sunny email from Tricia letting me know that her application to Health Canada to approve her transplant had finally been sent. This process has been ongoing since last fall and we were all growing very short in patience for its finalization. This transplant option brings real hope to Tricia's future and we were all holding our breath while all the lawyers and doctors involved worked on the application. We should hear within the next 4 weeks whether this gets approved and the wheels at the Tom Baker Cancer Center have already started turning to get ready for this to begin.

That day I was at an all day session with some of my peers at work. Following this day of planning, we went out for dinner at a very nice Calgary restaurant. Although I was feeling fine, shortly after dessert, I started to feel very dizzy, broke out in a cold sweat and fell over onto the bench I was sitting on. For the next 30 minutes or so, I laid there popping in and out of consciousness and assuring those nearby that I was alright and I just needed to rest. Inside I knew that something was really wrong with me, but I didn't want to draw any further attention to my already deathly embarassed state. Once Ryan arrived to drive me home he knew that something wasn't right and called for an ambulance to come and get me. At first assessment, my heart rate was about double my normal resting state and my blood pressure was really low. They took me to our all too familiar Foothills Hospital and there they assessed me for an immediate risk of an impending heart attack or a blood clot in my lungs caused by my medication. After 4 pokes for blood, some intravenous fluids and some heart tracing tests, they said that I was not in immediate danger and I could go home to rest.

Now almost a week later I am starting to feel more like myself. But that whole situation definitely took a lot out of me. Unfortunately they still don't really know what happened, but I will be talking in more detail with my oncologist about it next week. It was weird. In everything that I've been through over the past 2 years, that was one of the scariest moments that I can remember. I felt like my world could change for the much worse momentarily and there was nothing that I could do to stop that. I was very thankful that I was surrounded by people that I work with and trust so much, because they truly did take great care of me!

The next few weeks will continue to be life in the fast lane with everything I have going on, but I will also take some time to rest in between the many activities. This poke on my shoulder was another gentle reminder to slow down and keep my health at the top of my mind at all times. Even though I crave a normal life, I have to remember that the old normal has been replaced by a new normal and I am still trying to figure out what that means.

Everything Comes In 3's

2008-03-07T18:22:00.005-07:00

The last week has been a whirlwind, but in a very good way. Finally, some great news from me! We bought a house in one of the areas we've been wanting to live in for a long time. The stars seemed to align for us because after we did this, I got a promotion at work. Then I got asked to lead the calgary committee for Rethink Breast Cancer, the charity organization that I've been following for the past year. It is truly never boring in our world.

Our new house is a dream for us. It has just been completed, which is great for us "non-handy" people and it's in Richmond/Killarney. This gets us back into SW Calgary and only a 10-20 minute commute to work every day. The other great thing for us is that there are a few great schools that Talyn could go to within walking distance. We take possession as soon as we sell the house we're in now or as late as June 15th. So now my mind is swirling with what blinds we should choose, when we should book movers and how I should decorate Talyn's room.

My job is also going great. Although we rarely find ourselves with nothing to do, I have to stop myself every once in a while and realize how great we have it at Long View. The company really cares about everyone and the people there are all my other family.

Although some days I feel like I could fall into bed at 7 pm, I know that I can make a big difference getting Rethink going in Calgary. This organization targets awareness and research for younger women with Breast Cancer. When I went through my initial diagnosis, there really wasn't much for someone dealing with a young child and wanting to have another some day. This charity group does so much to help women affected by the disease who are under 40 and hosts crazy cool events for everyone to attend and the money funds promising medical research. So if you ever wanted to make a difference and didn't know how, just ask me how you can help us!

Yesterday I went for my first checkup with Dr. Webster after the new drugs. Round 1 is now over and I started Round 2 on Thursday night. All in all, it was a real cake walk. The only symptom I could mildly complain about was a bit of nausea towards the end of the second week. But compared to my last protocol for chemo drugs, that is NOTHING to complain about. Although I feel optimistic about finishing 6 rounds, Dr. Webster still says to be cautious and we'll see how we do in Round 2.

I also talked to him about my ongoing monitoring program. How are we going to watch my body to make sure that the cancer isn't spreading and creating some little spots anywhere else? The sad reality on this one is that it doesn't really matter if we catch those spots when they're little or a bit bigger and I start to have symptoms. If my cancer does decide to appear anywhere else in my body, we are playing a whole new game of ball. This was really hard to hear and although everything in the rest of my life is going to great, this kind of news really hits hard. The cancer already did come back once and while I was doing treatment, so I know it's not that nice.

So although I sometimes feel like I can't possibly do it all, I know that keeping my focus on so many great things right now keeps me positive and optimistic. We could all spend our days worried about what might come tomorrow, but the truth is that we need to focus on what we can do in our lives today. Do something great today, I know that I will be!

No News Is Good News

2008-02-25T20:28:00.002-07:00

Maintaining a blog is sometimes a large weight to carry around. I have to feel slightly inspired to create a post and right now I am definitely faking it!

Typically with me if you haven't heard from me in a while, you can assume that everything is going well. I am now halfway into my first round of chemo and I am worried about jinxing myself when I say that everything is going really well so far (please knock on wood right now). The list of "freakshow" side effects have not affected me yet, so I'm hopeful that they won't.

I tell people that I was really excited when my oncologist told me that although this chemo is more potent than my previous protocol, I wouldn't lose my hair and I would be able to continue to work throughout. So, I let all of the other weird side effects that he warned me about float right over my head. Once I got closer to starting the drugs though, I started laughing at the fact that all chemo seems to have some really ugly side effects!

Lots of other great things are happening in my life to keep me busy right now. Most importantly, Tricia now has a "tentative" date for her transplant. Although her paperwork is still not sent to Ottawa for final approval, everyone is very optimistic that it will all go through so they have booked her in for May 1. Although this is the great news that we've been talking about for more than 6 months, it also seems fairly daunting that this big day is approaching. She of course has a couple of great trips planned until then, as she reminds us all to live life every day!

I also attended an initial meeting to get Rethink Breast Cancer started up again in Calgary. It was very exciting to learn more about an organization that fits so well with my beliefs and desire for fun! The next couple of weeks should tell more about what my role will be with that.

As a family, the commute from the SE part of Calgary has been really tough. Although we rarely admit it, having both of us dealing with cancer at the same time is really stressful. So adding 1.5-2 hours in the car commuting each day really isn't helping. We are in the final stages of deciding what to do, but we will likely be moving to the inner city in the upcoming months and lising our house next week. We will really miss our beautiful flowering backyard and the pond that we back onto, but we need to start to simplify things piece by piece.

The past few weeks have been really good for getting one big thing checked off of my life list - finding a way that fits with me to give back to the cancer community. I found that it was a little bit too easy to just go back to my old life after my first fight with cancer, but that isn't happening again! Learn from me and take the time to work towards getting something checked off of your life list...what are you waiting for?

Onto The Next Phase

2008-02-13T18:33:00.004-07:00

I got a call from Dr. Webster bright and early this morning to confirm what I had hoped. My surgeon got clear margins and better yet, they found no more cancer in the portion they had removed. So, with that knowledge in my back pocket, I went to the cancer center to fill my prescription for my chemo drug.

My brother and my parents were a bit worried about me because they thought I should be much more thrilled with the news. I was of course thrilled, but I am also now reflecting on the next phase of my journey and what that will entail. My parents told me a story of when I was 2 years old and we travelled to visit my mom's family in Europe. We were at the airport in Spain leaving my uncle's place and when we were going up the escalator to catch our flight I said "I wonder what Mormor is doing?". Mormor means Grandma in Danish and we were on our way to Denmark next to visit her. So, ever since I was 2 I have easily dealt with one thing and then moved quickly onto the next.

I will start my new chemo drugs on Thursday night so that if I do have any immediate reactions, then I'm at home when it happens. The medication will be taken in the morning after breakfast (guess it's time to start eating that every day!) and then after dinner. You would think that they could get the whole dosage in one pill, but I will be taking 5 pills at every sitting. Then I will also have some anti-nausea medication on standby if needed.

The list of side effects is lengthy and unknown as to which of them might affect me. I should know within a couple of days whether I am being affected by some of these and then by the end of the first cycle for the remainder of them. The goal is to get me through at least 4 cycles (each cycle is 2 weeks of medication and 1 week break) and hopefully 6 cycles in total.

I feel much more optimistic about everything these days and am looking forward to many great things. My team at work moved into a great new space and my office is absolutely unbelievable - a view of the mountains and tons of natural light! Tricia and I are planning a trip to New York - I can't wait for her to show me everything she's told me about for all of these years! And...I am attending a meeting with the founder of Rethink Breast Cancer next Tuesday to get engaged with them - finally my chance to give back and share my story with others!

It's too bad that I had to get another round of cancer to once again remind me that life is to be lived and it is our responsibility to give back to others. So, I hope that this time I've got it for good!

Will it be Plan A or Plan B?

2008-02-07T19:13:00.001-07:00

My surgery last week feels like it was several months ago already. It all went as well as we could have hoped. My surgeon was happy with the amount of skin she was able to take out and she didn't cut my implant in the process. I had my surgery at 2 pm and was home by 7 pm that evening.

It took me until Sunday to start to feel more like myself and then I spent the day making cookies for Talyn and watching the SuperBowl. I have not had any pain at all (after 4 surgeries to the same area in 17 months, there just aren't any nerves there anymore). But, I have had a dull headache and some feelings of light headedness.

Today we went to visit with Dr. Webster and learned that although he remains confident that we'll get good news from the pathology, we have received no results yet. I will call his office on Monday to get the final results. What this means is that we created a Plan A and a Plan B to move forwards.

Plan A means that we hear that Dr. Mew was able to get deep, clear margins and we can assume that most or all of the cancer has been removed. I received a prescription today and once we have this news, I will fill it with my chemo drugs - capecitabine, to start next Friday, February 15th - Happy Valentine's Day to me!

This drug has the love it or hate it effect on its patients. In 1/3 of cases, patients have a really hard time tolerating this drug and they end up reducing the dosages and maybe stopping treatment. But, in 2/3 of cases, patients have no problems with it at all! Because of my anxious nature, I just wish there was some way to know which category I will fall into. I will take a pill each morning and each night for 2 weeks, then have a 1 week break and go back to see Dr. Webster for blood work and more drugs. Assuming all is well, I will start this cycle again and complete 6 cycles in total. Following this, I will do the radiation and hormone therapy that we had already discussed.

Plan B is very similar, but it will mean that we didn't get clear margins. So, I will go back for some more minor surgery to remove more skin and then proceed with chemo once we can get the clear margins we need.

This chemo drug, Capecitabine, is used for breast cancer patients that are dealing with recurrence or metastatic disease. Because we don't know whether my cancer has some cells elsewhere in my body, Dr. Webster feels that this drug is our best bet at attacking this very resilient cancer.

Although this plan seems solid, I left the Cancer Center today feeling a bit down. Surgery is easy, but chemo, radiation and a new hormone therapy all require me to be very strong physically and mentally. Because I didn't have a break to regroup my thoughts and get strong again, I don't feel that I'm quite where I need to be to start these new treatments again. But, just give me a couple of days to read everything I can find on what I'm getting into and I'm sure I'll be ready to fight again.

Some "Normalcy"

2008-01-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

I've had a busy last week. On Saturday night, Ryan and I had a night of "normalcy" and attended his year end party. I was in admiration and awe as he won 3 of 7 awards handed out. Imagine if only one of us had cancer this year what he could have done!!!

On Sunday I flew to Denver to visit the staff in the office. It was the first time that I was able to travel there in 3 years and it felt like a real milestone to be back. We went for dinner at the Brown Palace, which is where all the presidents stay when they are in Denver and the historian of the hotel gave us a ghost tour. There were enough stories to make you wonder how it could possibly be fabricated. What I was concerned about is that they don't tell people about these when they book into the "ghost" rooms...that doesn't seem to have a lot of integrity - does it?

I arrived back home late last night and spent the day today getting our house cleaned up and preparing for tomorrow. I found out that my surgery is scheduled for 1 pm, so if I wake up prior to 6 am...I can have a coffee! My parents got here today and my mom made her home made soup to remind me of the comfort of home and calm my anxieties.

Talyn has also been a bit too intuitive for my liking. He reminded me which of my breasts is "sick" and which one is "not sick" and then he did something that brought tears to my eyes. I must have been feeling a bit down one day and he asked me for some stickers. Once I gave them to him he went upstairs and asked me to stay downstairs. A while later, he came down and handed me the empty sheet and said "all done". When I asked him what he did with them, he just changed the subject. So, I put him to bed that night as usual and went to go to bed myself and noticed that my sheets had been pulled back. Talyn had placed a row of sparkly stickers right by my pillow to make me smile. I went into his room and thanked him for the stickers. He said "mommy all better now?" and I of course welled up with tears and said "yes, Talyn makes mommy all better."

I have had lots of apprehension around the surgery coming up, but only because I have had some severe reactions to the anasthetics in all of my past surgeries. But when I really think about my fears, I am not worried about the surgery at all, but the results meeting next Thursday. Every time that we have gotten pathology results, they have never been what we thought and even with me thinking about every possible scenario in advance, the results always seem to surprise me.

Ryan and Tricia will be making some calls after my surgery to confirm what we already know, that it will all go well. My parents will also be at our house for anyone who is curious and wants to call them. Around 1 pm tomorrow, please think positive, deep cutting and cancer retrieving thoughts for me! Although tomorrow makes me anxious, I know that it is only the first step in my new fight and it will be building me up for what's to come. And whenever my confidence wavers, I will remind myself of the sparkly stickers that Talyn gave me. Such a small gesture that made a huge difference.

Old Friends and New Curves In The Road

2008-01-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

After the stress of the past few weeks, it feels like life has temporarily gone back to normal. The difference this time is that I will never forget the feeling of getting my life back. I hope this feeling is something that I can draw on throughout my life to keep me in check with what I'm doing to ensure that I am focused on my family, doing what I love at work and sharing my journey and hope with other Cancer survivors.

This past week I visited my old friend Dr. Mew. She was there when I first got diagnosed and kept me focused and calm throughout those scary first few weeks in August, 2006. She was involved in 2 of my previous surgeries and more importantly, in assuring me that we would find a plan to "mop up the remaining cancer cells" after her great work in surgery. What blew me away is that this time when I found out the cancer was back and surgery would be our first line of defense, she was on vacation. After my initial panic, Dr. Webster assured me that we could wait until she got back. In speaking to her this week, she told me that Dr. Webster had actually tracked her down on her vacation with her family to discuss my recent diagnoses and their joint plan of attack. It was another affirmation that I have the right team behind me!

My surgery is still scheduled for this week on February 1. My parents are driving up the day before to be here for Ryan and I, but I think mostly for Talyn. This is always a huge help because Talyn gets so excited about them spending time with him, that he usually doesn't notice what's going on in the background. My surgery will involve a bit more than I had originally thought, mostly that they will need to put me under. Dr. Mew will be making an eclipse incision around the lump area that was recently removed. The problem is that once she gets in there, you can't clearly see where the cancer is. I know there's a lot of research going on currently to cure cancer, but can't someone make something that you can drink prior to surgery that attaches to the ugly cells and dies them black? That way, when a surgeon gets in there, they can see what to cut out!

Because she will be cutting deep to get everything she can out and there isn't lots there currently, the fear is that she may accidentally cut the implant. If that happens, she will need to remove it right away and she doesn't want that to all happen while I'm lying there awake and trying to stay calm (I told you she knows me well). The hope is that I'll be able to go home the same day, but because they never know what could happen, I might have to stay over one night.

Until my surgery, my normal life will continue. In many ways this is great, but it also sometimes catches me off guard when my mind drifts off to all of the other things we are currently dealing with. Tonight we are attending Ryan's year end party and then I will be traveling to our Denver office for the first time in 3 years.

The lesson that continues to be enforced in me throughout all of this is to always be prepared for something you haven't yet thought of. Sometimes this doesn't end up as you would have wanted it to, but it doesn't always end off badly either! So keep an open mind when dealing with new things and see where it takes you.

Life

2008-01-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

It's hard to describe what this past couple of weeks has been like. In some ways, I wish everyone could experience it so that you could feel how precious your life really is. I felt like someone or something was holding my life in the balance and deciding whether or not I could add enough value to keep it.

Tricia, Ryan and I went in to meet Dr. Webster on Thursday morning. He came bouncing in the room (he has tons of energy all the time) and told me that the CT Scan and Bone Scan that I had done looked "pristine". That was great news! This means that no tumours were found elsewhere on my body.

But...isn't there always a but? The issue is that on the lump they just removed, they know that the edges were covered in invasive cancer, so there is still some of this stuff inside of me. However, it didn't show up on any of the tests. So, we don't really know if my cancer is local or regional. Dr. Webster's best guess is that I only have a little bit of it left inside of me and it might have moved a bit from its original area.

He said that we're dealing with a grey area now. Recurrence for someone so quickly after the original diagnosis and while I'm still in treatment is fairly rare and the best treatments for this are still really experimental. Since I've had the pleasure of dealing with him for a while now, he knows me well. He knows that I want to throw everything he has at this cancer and get it gone for good. So he put together a plan that we hope will give us the best shot at doing that.

I will go ahead with a day surgery on February 1. My previous surgeon will be doing this again and she is really great. Then I will go back to meet with my oncologist on February 7th to review the pathology results. What we are hoping to find is that we have very deep clear margins (i.e. they got it all out).

The issue then is to deal with any cancer cells that might have moved already. So, I will do 4 months of chemo. The great news is that this chemo is fairly mild so I won't lose my hair again and I will be able to continue working and living a normal life. Next is 4 weeks of radiation to the right side to hit this cancer with another shot to the head. Finally, I will do up to 2 years of a different type of hormone therapy to give it the final blow before it's knocked to the ground.

In the range of ways that this could have ended up, I am mostly very happy! Although it could have been slightly better, it also could have been a whole lot worse. The feeling of getting my life back is the most energizing feeling that I have ever felt. It's really hard to describe, but I feel that I now have a renewed passion for living a great life and helping others.

Now it's time to go knock this cancer on its butt where it belongs!

Some Negative Assurance

2008-01-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

The last week has felt like a month in some ways. I needed 1 day to feel complete shock, 2 days to feel sorry for myself and then I finally woke up on Sunday morning feeling like I had some fight back in me. So, of course the first thing that I had to do was get organized. Tricia came with me and we scoured Calgary to find a new book to store all of my old and new cancer documents.

Although I am mostly feeling good, I do have the odd feeling of worry that creeps up when I start thinking about the range of possibilities ahead. The things that have kept me really up include the many nice emails and blog posts that I have received. Although many people don't know what to say, I encourage them all to say exactly that if they want! We also went for a nice dinner with Erin & Steve (our neighbours) which allowed us to feel normal for 2 whole hours.

Last week I had a mammogram and an ultrasound. They provided me with a document that stated that they had seen no abnormalities. Tricia calls this a "negative assurance". It just means that they didn't see anything worrisome. But since these tests can't see everything, we don't know for sure that there isn't anything there. Although it's not "for sure" news, it is something positive.

Today I had a bone scan and then a cat scan. These are the big tests! I have a follow up appointment to review these next thursday morning, but I asked that they call me if they get them any sooner. This will then tell me what I am dealing with and then we'll discuss treatment options.

To keep me inspired, I started reading Lance Armstrong's book. Throughout all of the reading that I have been doing on my situation, the statistics have shown that I have anywhere from a 25-80% chance of this not ending well. Lance had similar odds, but he beat it all and I need to understand how he did that. Right now I'm at the part when he just found out how bad things are and what his treatment options are. So, I'm hoping to quickly fast forward to the part when he finishes his treatments and kicks this cancer for good!

The next week will be really hard. I will be going to work and spending time with Tricia and my family as I always would, but will always have this lingering wonder in the back of my mind. What will the next few months hold for me? I am not the most patient person, so this will be another test for me.

The more time that passes, the more accepting I am of this new challenge. It has pushed me to want to do something more for cancer fighters everywhere. Once I finish my direct involvement with fighting this disease, I plan to use some of my time and energy to help others do the same. With a great support system like all of you, anything is possible!

A Delicate Balance

2008-01-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer in August 2006, there has been a delicate balance that exists between the health news of my husband Ryan, my best friend Tricia and myself. It has literally always been within a week's time that if one of us gets good news, we all brace ourselves for one of the remaining two to get bad news.

Ryan's brain tumour started to rear its ugly head again in September 2007 and he started a mild form of daily chemotherapy shortly afterwards. In December he had a follow up MRI and it showed no new growth. Of course we were thrilled by this news, but also worried of what was to come.

In November, I found a small lump near where my first invasive cancer tumour was originally. I told my oncologist about it and we thought that it was most likely surgical (3 surgeries in the past year can leave a lot of scar tissue). But, we went ahead with an ultrasound anyhow. Once they took a peek at it, they were concerned and wanted to biopsy it to check into things further. But, when I went for this procedure, they were unable to do a typical biopsy because they were worried of rupturing my implant. So, they took out a bit of tissue through a small needle, but the results were inconclusive.

My oncologist was still certain that it was surgical, so he scheduled me for another ultrasound on January 7th to check for any changes. On December 20th, I had a follow up appointment with my plastic surgeon and I decided to ask him, since he was the last surgeon in there. He wasn’t sure if it was surgical or not, so he wanted to find out for sure. He removed this lump the following day in minor surgery and sent it off to be reviewed.

Most of you remember that I had a bilateral mastectomy in May and was told that I had clear margins, so how can there even be a suspicious lump? Well, they told me that doing this surgery would reduce my future recurrence risk by 95%, but if there was any recurrence, it would be above my implant and right below the skin because they had to leave some skin.

I went in on Thursday morning to get the pathology results and was absolutely stunned to hear that it was Invasive Cancer, high grade and no clear margins. Not good. That means that I was relapsing, that the cancer was growing very aggressively only 6 months after my last surgery and while I’m still doing treatments and there was still more in me. In addition, invasive means that it can spread elsewhere in my body, so there were lots of risks to get my head around.

I went to see my oncologist on Thursday afternoon to discuss next steps. The first priority is to determine what we’re dealing with. We are all hopeful that it is still contained in my breast area, but because it is invasive there is a risk that it is not. So, the next week is filled with many diagnostic tests to give us this answer. Then they are also re-running the pathology to determine if it is the same cancer as before or whether this breast cancer has different characteristics. As long as it’s still contained, then I will have another surgery as the first step and they have already tentatively got me a date. Following this, I will do radiation. If this is unsuccessful, then I will be back through another session with Chemo, but with different drugs this time.

So, I have another big challenge in my way and the next 2 weeks will be really important to tell us what we’re dealing with. Once I have a plan in place to deal with it, I’m sure I’ll be feeling a whole lot better about things.

Toast To Life!!!

2007-06-02T13:44:00.000-06:00

My oncologist let me know that as far as he's concerned, I'm cancer free. This of course came as amazing news after 10 months of difficult treatments. He feels that our current treatment plan is still a good one and I will not require any more major treatments, such as radiation. So, as Tricia continues to remind me, that means that we're both coming out of driving through the mountains and now we're going to kick into cruise control while we get through the foothills.

The next 9 months will be filled with treatments of Herceptin every 3 weeks at the hospital and continuing on with further minor surgeries for my reconstruction. As well, I started the oral drug Tamoxifen today. I will take this daily for at least the next 2 years. But, all of these things are really nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I am starting to let myself get very excited about what the future holds. I plan on returning to work in July, we have some family vacations in the months ahead (yes, I get to leave Calgary to somewhere other than Regina) and continuing to get my body back to normal. My hair has started to sprout back through and the range of motion in my right arm is slowly getting better.

I now need to turn this blog post over to an oscar "thanks" of sorts. There have been so many people that have helped me get through this. I'm sure that anyone reading this has done something to make this easier for me and for that I will be forever grateful. I need to give extra thanks to certain people that really were my rocks for the past 10 months.

Obviously Ryan put up with a lot and was amazing, my mom who basically took the year off to come and help us many times and made sure that Talyn kept smiling and Tricia who listened to my every complaint and could provide real perspective on how she continues to marvel us all with her spirit. Chad, my internet researcher and general funny guy and my dad, who always took my call to listen to what I needed to say and Talyn's other grandparents were also great at providing any support they could. My great friends, Erin, Jill & Mireille, who knew how to cheer me up or just listen when I needed it. The many people at Long View, who are basically my second family, kept me grounded and helped me to see the light that I would get to, once I got through the tunnel. My boss Don especially had some great perspectives and always knew the thing that I needed to hear. I hope one day that I can learn this gift and help others. Finally, to everyone else that I didn't mention, you know who are. You made me smile when I really needed to and that has gotten me through to today.

Tricia has always used the term "Toast to Life" throughout her difficult journey and it has really taken me until today to completely understand what she means. Please use my rollercoaster as your momentum to continually Toast to Life. Don't wait until tomorrow - go on a great trip, eat the chocolate cake today or buy that amazing dress. I know that I will be!

Some Good News and Some More Uncertainty

2007-05-30T17:03:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Tricia for keeping you all in the loop!

My surgery went well and it's amazing how much better I continue to feel every day. I got out of the hospital on the Saturday following my surgery and life was a blur of pain and drugs after that. I have regained almost full range of motion on my left arm and my pain management is finally under control. On my right side, I asked my surgeon to cut extra deep to make sure she took all of the cancer out. I knew she did her job when I started getting feelings of electric shocks on my right side whenever I moved. This was apparently what nerve damage felt like. This additional piece was extremely painful and added to the pain medications I was taking.

Now, onto the good stuff. I went today to get my pathology results. I walked in thinking that I had thought of all of the possible scenarios in my mind - but they continue to surprise me! The good news is that my margins came back clear to at least 1 cm (this seems small, but is actually good). The left side contained no cancer, but the right side still contained 6 cm of agressive DCIS (a type of breast cancer).

What does this all mean in non medical terms? They are fairly certain that they got all of the cancer out of my body - YEAH! But, because there was still a large portion of cancer remaining after 6 months of chemo, they may want to add radiation to my current plan of action as a safety net. In my doctors words, that would ensure they "mop up any remaining cells".

This is of course great news. But, because of all of the turns I have been thrown so far along this path, I am pessimistic to start the celebration until I know whether I am done or not. My oncologist will be reviewing my pathology report tomorrow and then will make a decision on whether he wants a radiation oncologist to look at my case or not. I should find out at my treatment on Friday which way he is thinking of going.

Although I want to ensure that I do everything I can to get it all, I would really like to hear that I don't need radiation and that I can think about going back to a job I love, a life filled with fewer hospital visits and more time to spend with each of you!

Surgery complete - rest needed!

2007-05-17T22:18:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone - this is Tricia, Tasha's friend. I asked Tasha today at the hospital if she wanted me to post a little update and she agreed...

The surgery went as planned, according to her 2 surgeons. She had a lot of pain coming out of recovery, and it took a while to get that under control with the right dosage, etc. but by the end of Tuesday was talking a bit. Rest was her next challenge, with a roommate who snores REALLY loudly and watches TV until 2 am. She's not getting a lot of sleep and has had a lot of nausea. Yesterday and today were a bit better, although her pain management is still inconsistent and she needs more rest. Her surgeons were both by to see her and are quite happy with how everything looks, obviously pending the pathology report later this month. The hope is that she can get some more rest to help the healing process! She still expects to be able to go home in the next couple days, depending on what the doctors think.

Overall, Tasha has of course been amazing through the last few days. She continues to show strength that is inspiring and has shown her sense of humour even while in pain. If her roommate ever quiets down so she can get some rest, I expect that she'll be home to her own bed soon!

The End Of The Yellow Brick Road?

2007-05-06T09:32:00.000-06:00

We have been lucky enough to enjoy some celebrations over the past week. Talyn turned 2 and we had a nice little party to celebrate that with some close friends. Talyn was spoiled with many gifts and enjoyed a day of treats! We then traveled to Regina and he enjoyed another party that my parents had for him. His BaBa also turned 30/30 (60 to us) and there was a surprise party for her at Sean & Michelle's house (Ryan's brother and wife).

We are now back in Calgary and focused on what is next - the surgery. My parents are here which brings me some calm and my boys are always with me to keep my spirits high. This surgery will be about 4 hours long and if everything goes great, I should be out of the hospital in 3 to 5 days. Although I'm sure Ryan, my parents or Tricia will call some of you, please feel free to call our house if you haven't heard anything and are curious. I am very grateful to have so much support!

I was very saddened to hear that a friend of mine's doctor found a lump at a routine physical exam. She is going to go get it checked out and I'm sure that it will all be fine. But it's just another reminder at just how quickly life can take us for a turn we don't expect. Please be diligent about your health - without that, we won't be able to accomplish all of the great things we are here to do!

For the past 9 months, I have been following a winding path. Mostly, it has been brighter and sunnier than I was expecting, but I did get thrown a couple of unexpected twists along the way. With my surgery day hours away, I am not really sure what to expect - but am hoping that it will be my chance to click my heels 3 times and say "I want to be done, I want to be done, I want to be done". Can't wait to see you all soon!

Tests and Preparations

2007-04-26T15:28:00.000-06:00

In some ways a lot has been going on since my last post. I had a few tests last week - a Muga Scan to again check to see if my heart muscle is putting up with the drugs and a Mammogram. In my Muga test, the technicians had a bit of a hard time with my veins - they blew 3 of them. Hopefully this is a sign that some other people were having a bad day and not my veins. If my veins are weakening, the doctor may want me to put in a portacath. Although it's not anything complex, it would be a constant reminder of the big C word and right now I enjoy walking away from the hospital feeling relatively normal. The mammogram was the first one I've had since I've been diagnosed. I was a bit apprehensive to get the cancer moved around that way, but it was relatively pain free. My surgeon just wanted another peek at what she'll be dealing with before going in.

Last week I also had my last official support group session. They were a great group of girls who I learned a lot from and everyone was so positive at the end, which made me really proud of all of them! We will most likely keep meeting from time to time to see how everyone's progressing.

This week I have been at work for the first part and then will have my clinic day and pre-surgery bloodwork on Thursday. Friday is most importantly, Talyn's 2nd birthday and also my first day of getting just the Herceptin. I have not had any problems with it so far, so the doctor feels that I will be able to continue to get this for the next 9 months and be able to go right back to work afterwards.

My surgery date of May 15th is quickly approaching - 2 weeks from today. Although I am fairly busy leading up to that day, I am starting to feel a bit nervous about it all. What will they find? What if my margins aren't clear? It's really hard to keep these thoughts out of my head. But, somehow I still feel very optimistic and positive about it all.

I mentioned that I am walking in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer at the end of July. Most of you have already been so supportive of me on this - thank you! If you still want to donate, please go to www.endcancer.ca and then find my maiden name "Tasha Engel" under Participants. Every dollar that we can spare can help us make Cancer a thing of the past and we are so close!

Seeing so many people that I care about so much lately has been a real gift. It makes me look forward to getting back to "normal" life after my surgery and start working on my Life List. I hope that you are all doing the same!

The Look of Chemo

2007-04-16T20:56:00.000-06:00

I don't love pictures even when I think I look okay, but this was a real stretch for me. I thought it was important to post so that everyone could get a reality check on how important your health is. Chemo is definitely not fun. You become extremely pale, lose most of your hair and energy and deal with a lot of challenging side effects along the way. Although I got through it all, I often think about all of the people less fortunate than me that may struggle - especially the elderly and children. So, if you have any charitable donations to make this year, please consider sponsoring me in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer (which I will email you about seperately in the upcoming months). I don't believe that Breast Cancer deserves any more money than any other type of cancer, but I do believe that if we can find a real cure for any type of cancer, the rest will come in no time!

I finished my last round of chemo last week and although I was happy to be done, it wasn't as exciting as many people thought. I still have a big surgery on the horizon. Before that day comes, I will be resting to get my counts to where they need to be, doing a little bit of spa time with good friends and co-workers, celebrating Talyn's 2nd birthday and getting out in the sun. Of course that list will also include working on my lists of things "to do" before the surgery and the list of things to pack for the hospital (that part of me will never change).

To everyone reading this post, you have supported me in some way in the past months. This has undoubtedly made my life much easier, so please know that it means so much to me. You all doing something to help me, has made me much more positive and from that I have tried to help others going through this and make it easier for them. So if you ever think that you want to do more with your life and really help someone - you have.

Ups, Downs and Finally a Plan!

2007-04-07T15:25:00.000-06:00

The last little while has been a real test of my patience - or for those of you that know me well...have I really learned any? The biggest "up" was that my surgery date was finally booked. Although it was only 6 weeks after we finalized my paperwork, it felt like a lifetime to me. I guess it was fairly complicated to put together with 2 busy surgeons and an even busier operating room. But, my awesome booking assistants got it all together for the soonest it could have been - Tuesday, May 15th.

Then came a "down". My doctor's times changed and my final chemo was going to be 3 days later than I thought it would be. With a very quickly approaching surgery date, every day was needed to get all of my blood counts back up to normal, or they would delay the surgery. So, I called my doctor's amazing nurse, Linda, to explain the problem and she said that she would see what she could do. To my amazement in a very busy Cancer Center, they were able to change my days back to what they should have been and I now am back on schedule. My final chemo treatment will be on Tuesday, April 10th. Another "up"!

The final "down" was that this cycle made more fatigued than ever before. I went into work as I always do on week 3. But by the end of day 1, I was completely exhausted. So, I had to decide to put my health first and stay out of work the rest of the week. This was extremely hard on me. Everyone at my company has been more amazing than I could ever explain and I owe a great deal to each and every one of them. Although they might not look at it this way, I felt that I was letting them all down. My ever intuitive boss called me at home to ensure I was alright and instead of confirming what I thought, offered me even more support. This was the final "up" that I needed to get me through.

So now the plan is set. I am a bit anxious at putting that in writing, as the "set plan" has changed before. But, from what I know I have chemo next week on Tuesday, then bloodwork the week before my surgery and then the surgery on May 15th. Amongst these big events, I will continue to go to the cancer center every 3 weeks for my injection of Herceptin for the next year and will soon start the oral drug Tamoxifen.

The biggest event that I ask you to send me the positive energy for will be on May 30th. That will be the day that I meet with my surgeon to review the pathology results from my surgery. Was there any cancer left that was removed? Were these any tumours? How big were they? And finally, the most important one...are my margins clear? I don't really care how much cancer is left from what they remove, but I need my margins to be clear. That means that the outside margins of all of the tissue they remove are cancer free. This will be the final piece of news that I need to assure myself that I can kick into cruise control for the next while.

So, now that the sun is out, get outside, enjoy life and most importantly, enjoy some chocoate for Talyn and I! Each day is a gift and my healthy days are quickly approaching.

It's All In How You Look At It

2007-03-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

My second to last chemo treatment is happening next week. Although I am thrilled to be close to the end of this portion of things, it also raises the question of "what's next?". My surgery is still hanging in the balance, waiting for all of the pieces involved to come together and give me the date. Once my surgery is through, I need to wait for my pathology results to come back "clear" to ensure that I won't have further treatments. I am going to be getting Herceptin through IV every 3 weeks for the next year and will also start to take Tamoxifen orally every day for 5 years in the upcoming months. So, even though one piece of this journey is almost over, I feel that there is a still a ways to go.

Over the past few weeks, I got a call to be a part of a support group. The cancer society started this for young women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. They have found that there have been more diagnoses lately and there weren't many options for women our age to talk to. There are 8 of us and we all will likely have surgery and chemotherapy. Although many of them have already had a mastectomy, I am the furthest along on the chemo path. We have only had two sessions so far, but the most interesting thing that I have taken away to date has been that even with the same diagnosis - what you choose to do with that can vary dramatically.

People that I run into have often told me that they are amazed at how positive I am. I have never really felt that I am particularly positive...I just know that I'll get through this. However, it has not been until I started attending these sessions that I have seen the range of reactions that I may have had. I have stopped myself many times to be thankful for all of you being right along side me and making my journey SO much easier than it could have been! We are meeting for 8 weeks in total and although some nights I feel overwhelmed by the negativity in the room, I know that I am there to try and make someone's journey a bit better. So, I keep going because I know that my persistence and positivity will pay off in the end.

Somehow, the more time that passes, the more perspective that I seem to gain. I saw an episode on Oprah where they were interviewing a group of older women and asking them what things they know now that they wish they knew when they were younger. One of them said “I wish I used that special bath oil more often”. What she meant is that many of us choose to think about the things we want to do more often than actually doing them. How many of us have a candle that we don’t want to light until a special occasion or have some great bath bomb or oil that we’re saving? I know that I did.

In searching for more ways to live in the moment, I came across a great website to help you create your Life List. You might remember me talking about this a few posts ago. If you need some help in creating yours, please visit http://superviva.com/ and see if it can help you. Another thing I’ve done (at the suggestion of Tricia) is to start a Gratitude Journal. I try to write in it a couple of times a week and just write down 3 things that I am grateful for that happened recently. No matter how bad things seem at the time – you can always think of 3 things to be grateful for – try it!

Whatever situations that you might be going through right now, just know that you have a choice. You can choose to let it control you and your negativity or you can choose to put your boxing gloves on and take control of the situation yourself.

Here’s to you getting a knockout!

Only 2 More To Go

2007-02-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

I went to see my surgeon last Wednesday and I got a nice surprise! We filed my OR papers for much earlier than I thought we could - the week of May 14th. So, now the Foothills OR just has to find time they have availble and ensure my two surgeons are also available at that same time. So, it might be after May 14th, but knowing that it could be 2 months sooner than I thought is great. I hope to hear from the hospital in the next couple of weeks with a confirmed date. Then my mom is going to come out for the first 2 weeks to help and Ryan will take off the following two weeks.

My 6th round of chemo was yesterday. So, far I feel like each round keeps getting better and better! I told Ryan to go to work yesterday because it's his busiest time of the year, so he dropped me off and I got all settled in my hospital bed by 10 am. They dripped the same medications as last time and the only real change that I noticed was that they did not make me nearly as tired as the last time. So, this time when Tricia came to visit and brought me lunch, I could actually keep my eyes awake to visit for a while! My day was done around 4 pm and I've been feeling really good since then.

Now I just wait for any side effects that may surface. Day 3 is usually when the joint aches start, but this time my doctor gave me some codeine to help if needed. My numbness and tingling will probably start next week and will be a bit more intense than last time.My mom flies in tonight to help us out again - thanks mom!!! Then my dad arrives on Friday for a visit and they will leave on Sunday. I can't begin to explain how great it is that my parents have been so flexible with their schedules to come and help at the drop of a hat. No one can make you feel better like your mommy.

I hope you're all having a great week, I know that I am! Send me a quick note on my guestbook or an email if you're up to it - I'd love to hear what's new with you and yours.

Some Clarity

2007-02-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

Things are still going really well. I am amazed each day that I even had a chemo treatment just one week ago. Tricia said something that made me laugh the other day, she said "that's what chemo is supposed to feel like!". If that's true, the next 3 cycles are much less worrisome.

The one big difference that I have noticed with these set of drugs is that I have some mental clarity much quicker. With the last cycles, I found that even by the end of week 3, my brain felt fuzzy and things weren't coming out of my mouth as clearly as they were laid out in my head. But I have felt a mental energy that reminds me of how I used to feel before the treatments even started. Unfortunately I tend to get ahead of my physical energy and find myself in bed by about 2 pm each day to catch up.

My next set of treatments are already booked for the week of the 26th. I felt so good over the weekend that I told my mom I was going to call my nurse this week and get my next cycle moved up. But, as the fatigue has set in this week, I decided to not overdo it.

Next week I go to see my surgeon, Dr. Daphne Mew. She is really great and did a great job with my first surgery. We will discuss timing for my next surgery and the recovery from that. For those of you know that know me well - I already have my questions all prepared for her.

With the clarity that I'm starting to feel, it gives me more of a chance to reflect on this journey that I have been on so far. I believe that most things in life happen for a reason and it's up to us to figure out why. Many Breast Cancer survivors say that getting this disease was the best thing that ever happened to them. They all gained some type of clarity that they didn't have before.

With your life hanging in a delicate balance, you do tend to think about what things are important to you and what you want out of your life. It's actually too bad that we have to go through something so intense to think so deeply about these things, but I hope that my experience will make each of you give this some more thought.

In Tricia's blog she talks about some wise advice that a friend recently gave her. I am going to copy in that part because she says it better than I ever could. "On one lunch, a wise friend asked me if I had made a list of things I wanted to do, especially in this "limbo" period, where I am well enough to do some things but not healthy enough to return to work. The truth is, I've had an informal list ever since my diagnosis almost 10 years ago. I haven't ever formalized the list, but now I am thinking I should. From experience, I know if I write something down it is far more likely that I will do it! What's on your life list?"

At Long View, we do Career Life Planning. It allows everyone the chance to plan out what they want their career and their life to look like from now until retirement. It is a great exercise and really gets you to start thinking about these hard questions that many of us might not otherwise. This clarity has got me thinking that we could do even more to help people with their Life List. I am not sure of the details of this yet, but I think this might be one of the lessons that I can learn from my journey and something that I can really leverage to give back to society.

If we were all able to clearly detail our life list, it shouldn't matter when our time was up, because we knew what we wanted out of our life and were working towards it. Never has the saying "live each day like it's your last" had such meaning as now.

What's on your Life List?

My First TH Treatment

2007-02-07T02:28:00.000-07:00

Our day started off leaving our house around 7:30 in the morning. Ryan turned on the radio and the darth vadar theme was playing on the classical channel, so he turned that up to help us get in the mood of "kicking ass" in his words. I went for a chest x-ray at 8:30 and then to the other end of the hospital for an EKG. I probably won't get these results until I see my doctor next in a couple of weeks.

My chemo was scheduled for 9:30, but because of the large number of cancer patients, they are usually running a bit behind. So, at 10 they came and got me and took me to a new area - the area where people are there for more than 4 hours. It includes a bed and a little TV to keep you occupied.

They started by finding a vein that was good enough, that took 2 pokes. Then they started dripping the cocktails to stop most of the possible side effects. My first mix was Bendryl and Zantac, one for potential allergic reactions and the other for heartburn. The next mix was Zofran and Dexamethosone, one for anti-nausea and the other a steroid to kick up the anti-nausea even more.

After those, I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open. But, next was the first of two drugs that could cause me problems so I had to stay awake at least for the first 15 minutes to watch for what might come. The first drug was Taxol and it went great. No effects at all, other than as soon as the 15 minutes was up I fell right asleep. This drip took just over 3 hours and the major effects I had so far were hunger and sleepiness - not bad!

Tricia came for a visit around lunch and Ryan went and got us some food. That was really weird for me. As most of you know, Tricia had a very scary ordeal last summer and fall and I spent a lot of time with her at the hospital. She was usually sleepy and telling me to just go home. I would always tell her to just sleep and I would just sit there. It wasn't until yesterday that I got to realize first hand why that must have been so hard for her. Because you feel really guilty that someone came all the way from the South End to spend time with you and all you can do is sleep!

The next drip started around 2:30 and it was the Herceptin. It had the same scary side effects for the first 15 minutes, so I sat up again in bed and waited. Luckily for me (and all of your positive anti-nausea vibes), this one went great as well. No side effects! So, back to sleep for me. This drip finished at about 4:15 and then I was under observation until 5:15.

Because of the freezing rain we got in Calgary yesterday, we were home around 6:30 and I was asleep shortly after. Now because of my massive amount of sleep lately - I am not sleepy anymore at 2 am.

The next few days are to watch again for what may come. The big things to expect are nausea & vomiting (so far so good, keep your fingers crossed), muscle & joint pain - which has started a bit, but could get to the feeling like a "bus hit you" in my nurse's words and the neuropathy - numbness in my limbs. I will keep you posted - as long as I can still type!!!

Anti-Nausea Vibes

2007-02-06T06:56:00.000-07:00

We're off to the hospital in a few minutes. My counts were great yesterday! Since you're all educated on blood counts now, my netrophils were 2.6 - which is at the low range of normal.

We are heading there a bit early because they want to run a chest x-ray and EKG on my chest to try and figure out why I've been having chest pains. Then, it's a 7-9 hour chemo day - phew.

So, as I told some of you ...around 9:30 am, please send some anti-nausea vibes to the hospital for me!

Looking Towards the Future

2007-01-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Time has gone by really quickly since my last post. Ryan and I went in to meet with the Breast Cancer Center doctor and talked about many things. What we realized is that we haven't really had any time to talk lately, so it made us do that. The big realization that I had in our session is that Ryan and I really don't know what a "normal" relationship is. 2 weeks after we first got together, his brain tumour started to grow again, so we've really been dealing with one of our medical situations since. The doctor reminded us that this kind of constant stress is not normal and that we need to ensure we don't get too caught up in that. The other thing I left the meeting with is hope that there are options out there for us if we wanted to have another child. Of course we have a lot to get through in the next few years, but I just needed to know that there was a door open down the road if we wanted to pursue that.

My mind has been really focused on trying to figure out what my next set of treatments will be like. As I've said before, my oncologist wants me to only focus on what's next, so the last time we talked, it was about my last treatment and not about the next new one. What I do know is that I'm scheduled for February 6th. So, I will go in to see Dr. Webster on February 5th, check that my counts are high enough (I have an extra 3 days to recover this time) and then discuss what to expect over the following weeks.

My next set of drugs are called "Paclitaxel" (taxol) and "Herceptin". Taxol is the one that I am most concerned about right now. This will be the ultimate planners biggest nightmare. Like all chemo drugs, there are many possible side effects, but this one is very unpredictable. My day at the hospital will likely be anywhere from 7 to 9 hours for the first treatment (thanks to my mom who is coming to stay with us). I will lay down in a bed and they will start the IV as they normally do. However, within 3 minutes of my body receiving Taxol, about half of patients have a fairly serious side effect. This can range from extreme vomiting to instant itchy hives on your body or extreme difficulties in breathing. As you can imagine, this makes me more than a little bit anxious!

As soon as a patient starts to get a side effect, they stop the IV and then administer a counter drug to get the side effect under control. Once you are feeling better, they will re-start the Taxol and see if your body can better accept it. Apparently in some patients, it is just too hard on them and they are not able to get Taxol and this will be decided at that time. If I am strong enough, my oncologist would like me to receive 4 treatments in 3 week cycles. The biggest side effect after day one is numbness and tingling in your hands and feet. This is closely monitored as there is a risk that you will experience permanent nerve damage. Once this occurs, the drug is stopped. Another fun thing for me to worry over.

Once the Taxol is is in your system, they then start to administer the Herceptin. This is a drug that I will be getting for the next year in 3 week cycles. There can be side effects after the first 3 treatments, but then your body gets used to this drug and does a fairly good job of accepting it. The things to watch out for usually happen when it's administered and are similar to Taxol's effects. This drug is given in the background and so my oncologist assures me that once I am recovered from my surgery, I can work and live as normal while getting this treatment.

Monday I went for my MUGA Scan. This measures my heart muscle functioning and requires that they inject radiactive substances into my bloodstream and then I sit under a camera while my heart is lit up like a firework show. I should get the results from this test when I see my doctor on Febraury 5th.

Next week I return to work and normal life as much as possible. Being done this first set of chemo treatments feels like a real milestone to me. I am getting closer to the finish line and that feels really good. The current plan is that I finish this next set of chemo treatments in 3 months, then I go for surgery as soon as my counts are strong enough (typically 6-8 weeks after), then I complete my Herceptin cycles and start a drug called Tamoxifen for the next 3-5 years. This is a whole other story that I will leave for a future blog. I want to keep the feeling that I am close to the finish line for now...

Information Overload

2007-01-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

The fog started to lift yesterday morning and has gotten a bit better again today. On round 3, it started to lift on day 3, so I had high hopes this time, but because I didn’t wait as long to start this round, it had to take longer to get me up again. This week has been filled with appointments, but unfortunately the Monday one I couldn’t get out of bed for. It was for a Muga Scan, which measures my heart muscle functioning. This is one of the more major potential side effects, so they continue with this test to see how my heart is taking things. I have been feeling some aching pains around my heart the past two weeks, so hopefully that is just a fluke (as my doctor says).

Yesterday, I was at the Children’s Hospital to talk to the Cancer Genetic Counsellors. I have decided to go ahead with this process, but it’s quite a long one. It really only involves some more blood from me today, then after about a year of diagnoses, they come back to me to let me know whether or not they found BRCA1 or BRCA2, the two known breast cancer genes. If they do find either, it gives me an increased chance of getting another occurrence of breast cancer in my future or ovarian cancer (over the general population). Because of my young age, they suggested I go ahead with this. Really, it just lets you know whether you need to be more proactive with screening in the future and then they offer the option to my parents and my brother to be tested as well. If I have either of these genes, I got them from one of my parents and they could face the same increased risks (although for men it’s prostate cancer and breast cancer). Each child has a 50% chance of inheriting these genes, so Chad then would also have the option of testing to see if he carried it. They don’t test kids until they reach 18, so Talyn would then also have the option of testing when he was an adult.

Today we go to the Breast Health Supportive Care Clinic. They are a couple of doctors that specialize in Breast Cancer that are there to help if we have other things to discuss that we don’t get to in our 5 minute sessions every 3 weeks with our oncologist. So, Ryan and I are going to talk about what are our options really are if we wanted a second child and what the risks would be. This is a complicated issue and we just want to know the facts so that we can make a decision whether this is something that is an option and if not, then we can stop talking about it so that it isn’t so hard.

With my current schedule, I will be starting my next set of drugs on February 6th, so that means a clinic day on February 5th to check my blood counts. These next drugs sound more daunting the more I hear about them. There are some very serious side effects that can occur almost instantly and then some permanent nerve damage that can result. My dad was really worried about this and wondering why they would want to risk it. I told him that it was one of those things that brings perspective back to how serious this situation actually is. I am doing very well right now, but had I not had treatment things could have progressed in a much different direction. So the doctors really feel that these side effects aren't that major compared with the option of not going ahead and leaving the cancer in my body.

However, all in all I am very lucky and things could have been a lot worse and I thank you all for being along for the crazy ride as we all learn about all the things we never thought we'd have to!

Goodbye to AC

2007-01-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

My counts are finally high enough to take another round of chemo. So, today at 2 pm, I will start round 4 and say goodbye to my not-so good friends of Doxorubicin & Cyclophosphamide (AC). It will be a big day for me because it allows me to move onto the next phase of treatment, which will come with its own ups and downs - but it's progress, so I can't complain.

Next week I have a bunch of tests and meetings - they are re-checking my heart muscle functioning on Monday, then I go see some Genetics experts on Tuesday to figure out whether this might impact Talyn and then back to the Breast Cancer Support Center on Wednesday to talk about all the other health things going on with me.

Have a great weekend and hopefully I'll be back on my blog soon - which means that this round went better than expected!

Another Lesson in Patience

2007-01-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

The hospital just called and my counts have dipped to 0.9, so even lower than my last round. My amazing nurse Linda also knows how important getting this done this week is, so she has rescheduled me for Friday with hopes that my counts will be at least 1.2 by then. I wish there was something that I could do to make a difference, but my doctor says there isn't. I had heard from another doctor that there might be something they could give me to help my counts rebound faster, but Dr Webster told me yesterday that unfortunately isn't an option.

Although I am a planner, it is a definite challenge to continuously replan all the aspects of our life around this uncertainty: Ryan runs his own business and has to continue to reschedule client meetings, we have to change Talyn's daycare schedule, we have great family who have offered to come out and help, but we never really know when that is, my team at Long View makes whatever time I have for them work and our amazing friend Erin across the street continues to leave her life open for Talyn to drop in when needed.

Thank you to everyone who continues to change their lives because of our schedule, we appreciate it more than we can tell you!

What Does Normal Feel Like?

2007-01-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

Although I thought that I felt much better than last time, my counts didn't agree. My netrophils were once again only 1.1 and they needed to be at least 1.5. Dr. Webster could tell that I was very anxious to get my fourth cycle over, so he offered me a couple of options - which I took him up on.

I will go tomorrow morning to re-check my counts. If my netrophils are at least 1.2, then I can still go ahead with treatment tomorrow afternoon. Although I will have to be extremely careful throughout this cycle because my counts will likely be completely wiped out. If my counts are not high enough tomorrow, then I will go and re-check them again on Thursday and then potentially get treatment on Thursday afternoon.

If all of these options don't pan out, then I am again delayed one week. Which brings me back to my title - I clearly have no idea what normal even feels like anymore!

Today is the Day!

2007-01-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

It's funny how many of the people that I talk to ask how far along I am. When I say that I've finished 3 out of 8 treatments, they are always amazed at how quickly it has gone - they say that they feel like I just started. I however feel like I've been doing this forever!

Today I go get bloodwork at 2 and then meet with my doctor at 3 to review my counts and ensure they are high enough for tomorrow's treatment. I do feel stronger than the last time I did this, so that is a good sign. But mostly I really want to get tomorrow's treatment over with so that I will be 50% done! I think it will be a real milestone for me.

Last week I was talking to my boss at work and he was asking me if I now felt more confident in my ability to get through my treatments and I absolutely do. Shortly after my first treatment, I was laying on my bathroom floor and thinking that there was no way I could do this 1 more time, let alone 7. Now however, I have gotten used to the feelings that these drugs give me, I know what drinks and food I can keep down and Ryan knows when he should and shouldn't talk to me - ha, ha.

Most of all, I know that I will get through this set of treatments very shortly and then will turn my focus onto my next set of chemo drugs and the side effects that I can expect from them.

What? Something I Can't Control...

2006-12-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

With the news that my chemo was delayed, it has slowed everything down a bit. My life was moving along on such a fast pace and then I was forced to slow down. I do believe that most things in life happen for a reason and that there are still many lessons for me to learn from this little adventure in my life - but taking the time to slow down and realizing that we aren't as in control of things as we think has been a hard one for me.

As with the last two rounds, this round was different. They asked me to start with some of my anti nausea medications even before I got the chemo and they gave me a large amount of fluid at the end of my treatment. Also, because of the week delay in starting, my blood counts were much higher than at the beginning of the last round. Whatever it was that made the change, I found myself feeling a lot better sooner and that was a very welcome surprise! So welcome, that I overdid it a bit on Thursday, getting ready for the arrival of my brother (Chad) that night and my parents the next day. Which then left me spending Friday on the couch.

The mornings have been a bit rougher than I have let on to my family. The nausea, fogginess in my head and overall fatigue has stayed with me throughout the whole week, but something about Christmas and family, makes it more beareable. Although Ryan and I said a year ago, that we were going to spend this holiday in Calgary for the first time, we now don't have an option. The doctors want me to try and be within a 1 hour drive from the Cancer Center throughout my chemo treatments. So, my brother and parents graciously came to us!

As with every holiday, there has been way too much food, an abundance of presents and lots of unexpected fun! Those of you who know Chad, know that we are pretty competitive at some things. The one time of year we come together to create something great is when we build our gingerbread house. This year, Tricia also agreed to help us, which we definitely did not pass up - she is crazy artistic and nobody can pipe icing like her! With all of this confidence, I decided that we needed to step it up a bit and bought us a Fairty Tale Cottage Cake Pan, instead of our regular gingerbread house. We bought the chocolate cake mix and all of these great accessories for our house, what we did overestimate however was that we could put a regular cake mix in the special pan. So, instead of spending our time decorating the Fairy Tale Cottage, we spent the better part of one day trying to get the cake out of the pan once it was cooked. When we finally got it out...well, let's just say that it didn't really look much like the beautiful picture on the pan.

With the holidays starting to wind down around here, life will unfortunately get back to normal. What is it about Christmas that makes everything seem so magical and perfect? I wish I could hold onto that feeling forever!

It's now time to get ready for week 2 starting tomorrow, which means that my counts will drop and I have to rest, rest, rest. This is especially important this time to ensure that I am not delayed again and my counts will get back up to the levels that they need to be to start Round 4. This will be the last round of my A/C regimen and then for the next 4 rounds I will start a new set of chemo medications. I have heard different viewpoints on whether it will be worse or the same, so I think that it's another way of telling me to just "slow down, concentrate on the now and stop trying to control everything". I guess that lesson will just take a few more rounds to sink in.

Game On!

2006-12-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

I was at the Cancer Center this morning having my blood work re run again. At 1 pm, I got the message from my nurse that my counts were strong and I am able to have my treatment as planned tomorrow at 8 am.

The doctors have made a couple of changes to my medication and added in some more fluid to the IV drip tomorrow and are hopeful that these changes might make things a bit easier on me. I've heard that twice before... but am still hopeful that it will improve things slightly and allow me to have a fairly good Christmas with my family.

I have heard that eating beef the night before treatment is helpful, so we're going to eat a home made italian lasagna. One of the great people that I work with - Lori, had her grandma make it for us. If that can't make things better...I don't know what can?!

If I can, I will write again before Christmas, but if not - have a great day with your loved ones, you will all be in my thoughts when I think of how thankful I am for the great people in my life!

A Reason to be Thankful

2006-12-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

The fun doesn't end for our family. Early this morning, Talyn decided that after looking at our stockings hung on the mantle for several weeks, it was time to pull one of them off. Unfortunately, they were hung on our mantle with some very heavy stocking holders. So, Talyn got a corner of the stocking holder on his left front forehead.

Let me say right now that Talyn is okay. We took him to the Urgent Care and they did some x-rays to ensure there was no fracture of his skull - which there was not. He ended up with his first 2 stitches, a lot of bloody residue and a "you had an x-ray" sticker.

Although this definitely pushed Ryan and I over the point of stress that we can handle, we are very thankful that it wasn't any worse. There were a lot of sick people that were at the center and we were lucky enough to take our slightly bloody child home with us.

So parents, please beware of your stocking holders - who knew that they could be so unmerry?!

Off the Tracks

2006-12-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

I got a call from the hospital this afternoon and unfortunately, my counts were even lower today than they were yesterday. They have scheduled me for a chemo treatment for next Tuesday and I will go for blood again next Monday to ensure I can go ahead with this.

This news was pretty devastating. This whole adventure is not one that I planned for, but you do plan for the end date. The end date of my chemotherapy was supposed to be the end of April, but with this delay so early I wonder when I will really be done.

If they had gone ahead today, it would have been very risky health wise. My counts are so low now, that if they had started another cycle, they would have most likely wiped them out completely by next week. That might have ended in me being in the hospital for Christmas and I would much rather be on my couch.

In case I can't write again before you all of you go and spend the holidays with your loved ones - know that I am thankful that you are all in my life.

The Rollercoaster Contines

2006-12-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

I went for a doctor's appointment yesterday to ensure that I was strong enough for today's session of chemo and found out that my counts were too low. They retested them all this morning to see if by chance they have come up overnight. Now we are jumping at every phone call that comes in to see what our day holds.

There are obviously good and bad things about whatever happens, but ultimately if I'm not healthy enough to get through another round today, then it's best that I wait until next week. The hardest part about this will be my Christmas plans will have to be changed.

This is another "test" of this whole process for me. As you know, I am a planner and live by planning in advance many aspects of my life. So, when one thing gets moved back a week, it is really hard for me to think about replanning everything.

To all those "last minute" kind of people ... this kind of living by the moment is really hard, you'll have to send me some pointers!

Round 2 Done and the Fog is Lifting

2006-11-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

So, I now compare chemo to childbirth. There is definitely a reason that it is in 3 week cycles. There must be a hormone that gets infused in your body to have you completely forget how bad the last round was. Then, as soon as you’re back in it again – it all comes back to you!

This time things were a bit better in that they were better able to control the vomiting – but, by doing that they had me on as many medications as often as I could be. So, I was literally taking a combination of 5 different anti-nausea drugs. It seemed like every hour it was time to take something else and it left me in a really medicated state. I also learned my lesson from last time that I should be calling in once I start having problems – which I did. However, basically they said that I was taking as much as they could give me, so to just try my best to keep fluids down or else I might be hospitalized. Luckily – that didn’t happen.

My good friend Tricia called yesterday afternoon to see how I was doing and as soon as I answered the phone she said “I can tell by your voice that the fog is starting to lift” and I knew exactly what she meant. I have the wonderful luxury and ironic sadness of having a friend like Tricia who has been through the same protocol for chemo as I’m doing – so she knows exactly how I feel. This time it took 5 days until I started to feel a bit like myself again and even today, it’s turning around even more. And it’s funny how already I am starting to forget how bad last week got J.

The other big thing that has changed since the last time I emailed you all is that my hair fell out. So, a bit over a week ago Ryan and our friend Nathan had the pleasure of shaving my head to ¼ of an inch long. That really helped with the longer strands that were getting all over our house. But, by Monday, the stubble was really hurting because it was still falling out so quickly. So, Ryan got out his razor and finished the job.

Although I knew this was going to happen, I was really dreading it. Not from an aesthetic point of view (they are going to cut off my breasts in 6 months, so I have my head around the fact that aesthetics don’t mean much these days J). But, I knew that once my hair fell out, I would have a constant reminder every time I looked in the mirror or went out that I was sick. Until now, it was just something that doctors talked about and I had to deal with for the first week of chemo, but otherwise life was fairly normal.

It was truly amazing how everyday people changed once I had no hair. At first, I thought I must have something on my face because people would stare at me, but then I slowly realized that this is how things will be now. Every time I go out the door, I have a physical sign that I have cancer and the stares from strangers is another thing that I have to deal with and will eventually get used to.

So, another round is done. It definitely had its lows, but now I am really looking forward to the highs. My company Christmas party is coming up in less than 2 weeks and I will be able to go. Christmas is a great time to remind us how lucky we are to have such great friends and family and that is what this weekend does for me.

A friend from work sent me an email about a guy who traveled around the US giving out Free Hugs to anyone that wanted them. I found it truly inspirational and grounding for me to remember what life is all about. If I haven’t already sent it to you, take the 2 minutes to look at it and see what problems he runs into as he tries to make the world a better place by offering some support to anyone who needs it. I say that we can all use a little extra support from those we care about now and then, so thanks to you all for giving me that!

http://www.freehugs.org/

Chemotherapy is definitely not for wusses!

2006-11-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

So last you heard from me, it was Tuesday night and I was flying high – literally and probably about 20 minutes after I sent that email, the world all changed. It was shocking how quickly everything changed. I always thought I was pretty tough – but this was definitely my hardest test so far to see how tough I am. It’s hard to explain what happened, but my body started rejecting what had been put into it and I couldn’t keep anything down for 36 hours. I felt as if my body was filled with toxins and I ached from the inside out. The 3 anti-nausea medications that I was required to take also weren’t near enough, so I slept in my bathroom for about 20 minutes at a time L.

After the nausea started to subside on Thursday night, then the feelings of aching started to take over and again, my whole body felt as if it was bathed in toxins. The next two days I spent lying in bed – unable to sleep, but the thought of rolling over and getting a drink of water was overwhelming with the amount of energy I had. Finally, by Saturday night, I started to feel more and more like me again – thank goodness.

Yesterday, I spent the day feeling pretty good, except now I am overwhelmed by this weird fatigue. My counts have started to drop and that can affect people differently. It can hit your White Blood Cells – which are important in fighting infection and germs, your Red Blood Cells – which give us energy, your Platelets – which help clot blood and stop bleeding or all 3 of them. So far, I definitely notice that I am tired much easier and spend most of my day sitting down and taking much bigger breaths in to help me breathe. These little things we all take for granted every day are now something I am very mindful of.

Today starts my Day 7, which means the next week I am supposed to do what I can to avoid infection or germs of any kind because if my white cells do drop, I won’t have much to fight anything I get with and it can get from bad to worse very quickly. So, that means that my mom literally has me held captive in my house, while we wait and see what this week holds.

Thanks for all of your great emails and support – it’s important to keep laughing throughout all of this and that is what you have each helped me do! If you can do one thing to help me today, it’s to cherish those around you and tell them that you love them. We can get so caught up in day to day life, that we take the greatest things in our lives for granted.

Thanks for being so important to me and love to you all as well!

Life is interesting - isn't it???

2006-08-25T15:13:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, I have been spending a lot of time with my best friend who recently found out that she is terminally ill with Leukemia. What you didn’t know, is that at the beginning of July, I found a lump in my right breast and have been going through various tests over the past month and a bit, assuming it was nothing. Unfortunately, yesterday I found out that I have Breast Cancer and at this point, they have classified it as Level 2 out of 3, so moderately aggressive. What that means is that I am on an emergency list for surgery and this will likely happen in the next 3 weeks. Following this, I will have to undergo some intensive radiation for 5 weeks, daily. Then, depending on how far this has spread at the time of surgery, I may also have chemotherapy treatments as well.

Right after I found out this news, I went next door to the Tom Baker Cancer Center and visited my friend Tricia. She had some great news for me – she is in remission with her Leukemia. This is truly a miracle! Although she is still battling a few other potentially life threatening complications, things are definitely looking up and her lifeline has completely changed – but perhaps so has mine.

Ryan and I have a bunch of literature to continue to read through and some decisions to make by next Wednesday of which type of surgery that is best for me to undergo. Then we really are playing it by ear and it all depends on what they find during the surgery as to what my next treatment will be.